AIBU to stop making the effort with uninvolved sister-in-law?

[Whatthefork1]

Am I being unreasonable to not want a relationship with sister in law due to her lack of effort and contact with my children (her niece and nephew).

Sister and law and her partner are much older than myself and partner, they in their late forties / early fifties. MIL had her very young. They don’t have their own children, they have been together 25 plus years but only moved in together about 10 years ago,
SIL lived with MIL until then.

When we had our daughter nearly 5 years ago and we made a huge effort to involve them, we made them god parents (I know that doesn’t mean much these days, but we wanted to give them that honour). They were somewhat involved with my daughter and we would see them maybe every month at one point, at either ours or theirs, but as time went on the contact got less and less.

We had our son nearly two years ago and they have seen him probably 4 times his whole life. One of which was at his christening, then we went to visit them last Christmas and we saw them at MILs last week, wasn’t planned but they turned up when we were there. The other time was when they visited our house when he was born.

She doesn’t call or text to ask how the children are, she doesn’t invite us round or ask if she can visit us. I’m just done with it to be honest, I don’t see why we should make all the effort when she clearly couldn’t care less. Whenever she does see them, she takes a tonne of photos and posts them on social media- that really annoys me and I have commented and asked that she doesn’t upload our children onto social media as we don’t agree with it.

MIL has contacted my partner today and told him that he must talk to his sister more and check in on her and make sure she is okay. Why don’t we see her etc etc. he told MIL it is not his responsibility to make sure she is ok and that she knows where we live too. (I would like to add MIL is a whole other story and nightmare herself, but that isn’t the point of this post of course)

But anyway, AIBU to be pissed off and to say actually I don’t want anything to do with her anymore? Or am I being harsh and should I make more of an effort to try and involve her?

Well you also need to look at it from someone else’s perspective and not just your own small minded world.
this is someone who raised her sibling , then chose not to have any kids of her very own. Very reasonable to expect this type of person to not have an interest in someone else’s.
unless you look at it from a small mind and can only see what you expect then you end up in this situation

You don't need anyone's permission to feel disappointed.

This is a good point, helping raise her brother might have taken a lot out of her.

She could also have raised him thinking she can't wait to have her own family, only not to be able to. (Maybe).

It could also be that after helping raise him, it made her not want kids and realise it's not her thing.

Not everyone feels the need or interest to get on with or be interested in the children of others.

Enjoy her company, or don’t.

Some people just aren't kid people, or even all that family oriented. Drop the rope and let them get on with it. You sound really sneery about their life anyway, perhaps they have picked up on your feelings.

@ChaToilLeam Yes, if his sister isn't interested in a close relationship with her extended family, that's OK. Presumably she doesn't expect to be invited for Christmas and involved in special occasions (perhaps she felt pushed into being a godparent)?

I don't know why you "presume" that since they're two different things.

@KaleidoscopeSmile Every family is different, but tbh if siblings don't make an effort to keep in contact throughout the year, what's the point of celebrating special occasions together?

That was part of the OP's initial upset, that they included her SIL in the christening and made her a godparent, but she's not really interested in her godchild. She's not interested in them and tbh, it doesn't sound as if her brother is interested in her. Best to let it go IMO.

Yeah if my sibling or sil had asked me to be god mum I’d feel I had to accept even if I wasn’t fussed.

It would seem like a very pointed thing to turn it down.

You clearly don’t like her, so why would she want to spend time with you? The comment about giving her the ‘honour’ of being your child’s godparent also sounds pretty self-important. If you give off the vibes that her and her partner’s lives are worth less than yours because they don’t have children, and that you look down on her for having lived with her mum into adulthood, and that you think her life is boring now, why would she want to be around you?

A lot of people are saying the same thing about my comment of “giving her the honour of being god parent”, I definitely used the wrong wording there and I can see how it sounds. I guess what I meant was more like - I thought it would be a special thing to do and they would see that we value their presence in our lives.

They didn’t actively choose to not have children because they don’t like children, I’m of the understanding that it was more of the fact that they left it too late, they didn’t live with each-other until into their forties, mainly due to MIL. So yes I guess you could say I chose them as god parents as a gesture of - we very much appreciate your presence in ours and our children’s lives and I believed that they would have enjoyed being involved more.

obviously I assumed wrong and that is fine.

But you don't seem to understand that it could be a painful thing for them if they wanted kids but couldn't have them.

You haven't addressed this at all and you seem to think, because they couldn't have they're own kids, they should be grateful and love being Godparents to yours.

They might have still been trying/hopeful when they were chosen as Godparents, hence agreeing.

It's hard to refuse to be a Godparent for most people anyway. They may well get into the swing of it once the kids are older as some people aren't great with young kids.

I have a friend who wasn't involved with her nieces but now, they go to the ballet and do gardening together. They have a special relationship that wasn't forced.

Your posts are more about you and no thought for your SIL or what she could be going through mentally.

Some people can brush off not being able to have kids, others can't.

Don't make it about yourself.

Funnily enough, I know a few people who had a big hand in raising a sibling or siblings, and none of them wanted kids as adults. One friend who's from a family of five remembers helping to toilet-train her much younger sister. She said she's done all that and doesn't want to do it again!

OP, I wouldn't listen to the PP who are criticising you. You asked family to be godparents, which is completely normal, and you're puzzled as to why your SIL isn't making much effort with you and your family. Again, a normal reaction.

Who knows what her problem is. I've had people do the slow fade on me, too. It's really best that you stop chasing her. I felt so much better when I stopped chasing mine and matched their effort. It also had the effect that I stopped thinking about them. Once I stopped trying to get their attention, they took up far less space in my head.

I'd just focus on your relationship with your brother, and as for your children, I'd put my energies towards friends and any other family members who are bothered about them. And she's the one missing out. I was extremely fond of my late uncle who married into the family (before I was born) and I miss him a lot. Same with my paternal uncle's ex-wife. They were my aunt and uncle for four decades, known them all my life, and they were/are family to me every bit as much as my "blood" aunt and uncle. Great memories of my late non-blood-related uncle. He enriched my life.

A distant SIL really isn't worth all this headspace.

But who is moaning? If it is MIL then that is not your SIL. Often in families things get reported wrongly! MIL would like you to have a better relationship but that isn't her choice.

@CrazyMidget : OP, I wouldn't listen to the PP who are criticising you.

How narcissistic of you, what would be the point of posting then?

Listening to others and self reflection leads to growth.

OPs who post for advice but stick to their view no matter what anyone says, only show how narrow minded they are.

I don’t get why your angry about this and would make a drama by not speaking to her when you hardly see her anyway. It’s up to your dp to get upset and angry. I can’t imagine my partner bothering if my sister hardly seen me, everyone is different just accept that and focus on positives. She may be struggling mentally or struggles to be around kids. Id be miffed too but I would just match her energy and be polite when you do see her