AIBU to stop making the effort with uninvolved sister-in-law?

[Whatthefork1]

Am I being unreasonable to not want a relationship with sister in law due to her lack of effort and contact with my children (her niece and nephew).

Sister and law and her partner are much older than myself and partner, they in their late forties / early fifties. MIL had her very young. They don’t have their own children, they have been together 25 plus years but only moved in together about 10 years ago,
SIL lived with MIL until then.

When we had our daughter nearly 5 years ago and we made a huge effort to involve them, we made them god parents (I know that doesn’t mean much these days, but we wanted to give them that honour). They were somewhat involved with my daughter and we would see them maybe every month at one point, at either ours or theirs, but as time went on the contact got less and less.

We had our son nearly two years ago and they have seen him probably 4 times his whole life. One of which was at his christening, then we went to visit them last Christmas and we saw them at MILs last week, wasn’t planned but they turned up when we were there. The other time was when they visited our house when he was born.

She doesn’t call or text to ask how the children are, she doesn’t invite us round or ask if she can visit us. I’m just done with it to be honest, I don’t see why we should make all the effort when she clearly couldn’t care less. Whenever she does see them, she takes a tonne of photos and posts them on social media- that really annoys me and I have commented and asked that she doesn’t upload our children onto social media as we don’t agree with it.

MIL has contacted my partner today and told him that he must talk to his sister more and check in on her and make sure she is okay. Why don’t we see her etc etc. he told MIL it is not his responsibility to make sure she is ok and that she knows where we live too. (I would like to add MIL is a whole other story and nightmare herself, but that isn’t the point of this post of course)

But anyway, AIBU to be pissed off and to say actually I don’t want anything to do with her anymore? Or am I being harsh and should I make more of an effort to try and involve her?

Christ - stop being so self centred OP - she hasn't had kids, maybe it was a choice and she doesnt find them interesting OR she tried to have them and failed - can you really not see that there might be reasons why? Not everyone finds your kids interesting you know....prob just you and your husband,..just leave them be, i dont know why you want to cut her off from your life - she hasnt done anything.

Just leave the woman alone and stop mithering about her.

Maybe you and your DH aren't her cup of tea. That's okay, isn't it?

we made them god parents (I know that doesn’t mean much these days, but we wanted to give them that honour)

It’s not that she SHOULD be [more involved with OP's family], it’s more a question of - why wouldn’t she want to be? I just simply don’t get it.

I can't decide if you're a card OP or just have main character energy on behalf of your entire little faaaaahmily

I’ve certainly not got main character energy, I’m quite the opposite of that in terms of personality.

I think, after reading all of the comments I am just naive in thinking that everyone (family) loves and thinks my kids are great as much as I do and a lot of our family do, which is lovely, but I realise that can’t be true for all.

Oh bless you OP. No, the vast majority of people don’t really give a shite about your DC. They say nice things to be polite.

You have been naive but there’s no reason to fall out with SIL just because she’s not crazy about your child.

Yes honestly most people although nice in person only really care truly about their own children and then grandchildren.

They may be fond of others children but mostly that comes down to the relationship the adults have with each other.

If my best friend had a baby then I’d be excited and couldn’t wait for a cuddle and be asking her loads of stuff and buying lots of little bits.

But my sil well she’s my sil and she’s dh’s problem. We are not friends we are just in-laws who are polite and friendly in person because we both love my dh basically. If we divorced I’d never see her or her children again.

I don’t consider them my nieces or nephews although I don’t verbalise that either they are dh’s nieces and nephews. I don’t hate them but I don’t love them. My world wouldn’t stop if I never saw them or heard about them again. I’d be sad if something happened to them the same way it would be sad that anything happened to any child but there is no bond and life would go on.

Just match her energy OP.
Do what she does.
Evens.

You can still have a relationship with her, even if she's not into your kids.
As long as she doesn't hate them or is abusive, there's no reason to fall out.

I love kids, but also have a stressful job, so when I have free time, the last thing on my mind is to call DB and DSIL about the nephews.

When I see them, we have a lovely time, until next time.

My DSis does video call the nephews, which she enjoys.

I couldn't bear it honestly as I like quiet boring time.
No one is wrong, it's because we're all different.

I never get these threads!

My SIL isn’t interested in seeing me much so I will punish her by making it NEVER.

Makes no sense!

Why do people suddenly turn very insular when they have children, no one needs to be involved in your children only their parents

I am perfectly capable of having adult relationships and connections with people as they are it is a great skill for a grown up to have

@PollyBell It sounds as if the OP's DH and his sister are very different people and they're not particularly interested in each other's lives, let alone each other's partners and children. It's fine, families aren't always close.

All the more reason not to be that interested in your DC. I don't understand why you feel like this. She's got her own life.

I don’t think because she’s his half sister is reason to not be interested. They never refer to eachother as half siblings and they both lived together with their mum until DH was about 23.

Kindly, I think you don't want to listen to opinions here which are on the whole saying the same thing. I think you just want to follow your own narrative because you don't agree with what people are saying. Why come on here? No-one has to be interested in you or your children, family or not, but I don't think you want to hear that.

Does your MIL perhaps know something is wrong with your SIL and is encouraging your DH to offer her support?

It sounds like a very one-sided relationship where you’re expecting a lot of input and interaction for your children from your SIL but what’s she getting from the relationship? You’re rude about her lifestyle. How much did you see them before you had your children?

I reduced contact with my relatives and nephews/nieces after it became apparent they were only interested in my interactions with their children. They couldn’t be bothered to take an interest in my job, social life, pressures I’m under etc?

OP my family take an interest and help each other out. Even so, you sound like a lot.

Could she honestly have declined being godparent? If you think it's an honour, I imagine you would have been mightily insulted if she'd said no thanks.

Do you know she is "moaning" (horrible term) about not seeing you? Or is this just something your mother in law says?

You sound a bit like my sister in law. She is a nice enough woman but quite obsessed with her children and very oblivious. She makes lot of quite rude comments without even realising - like you, with your slighting comments about their empty lives. She doesn't mean any harm but her own world is restricted to her children and she will make judgy little asides about women who have "careers" or use IVF or go back to work. She is not a bad person, but quite hard work socially. I think she thinks of herself as a reasonable, nice person and probably has no idea how she comes across outside her own circle.

Before I had kids I didnt bother much with my siblings children. Now I've had kids I'd still only see them on occasions. Im happy to see them but I don't of out of my way to see them and don't expect anyone to go out of their way to see mine.

People have their own lives, you calling hers boring isn't very nice, its what she wants to be doing. You come across as one of the "if you don't have kids you're missing out" women which is not true, kids are not for everyone. People choose not to have kids and if they're lucky they don't meet too many judgey people along the way who give that shitty pity vibe cos they're "missing out". From your comments, I'd say your SIL has had a few vibes from you. It may not be the kids she's avoiding is perhaps another thing you could have a think about.

Not everyone loves kids, even their own family. You can see sil doesn’t want to be involved, fair enough, not ideal; but that’s the situation. You have to accept that’s what it is. Don’t push it anymore, just continue to see her very occasionally, as before.

it she can’t be bothered to make the effort with you guys; then it’s not fair mil blames it on DH and yourself; youve tried it’s not reciprocated. But obvs mil has her own agenda, just ignore that

just carry on and cherish the nice relationship dc have got with their other auntie

I don't think that it's unreasonable to hope that closer family members will take an interest in your children, it's not like it's uncommon and it can be a real positive so disappointment is a normal reaction.

I think it sounds like she is though when she sees them. She’s not very close to her much younger half-brother and they have very little in common. It sounds like the SIL is taking more interest in his life/family than he is with hers.

It doesn't sound like they see that much of each other given that they don't live far away. I'm experiencing this with my own in laws and it is something that really disappoints you.

That being said you have to try and accept what can't be changed. Some family members aren't close whatever you try.

I think OP has had a hard time here. I think it's normal to want a wider family around your nuclear family and that can be a wonderful thing. Sadly, it doesn't seem to be happening in this situation, do you have other relatives and friends who are more interested?
I've had some relatives who aren't interested in our family and I've just had to accept it and match their effort. It doesn't upset me anymore as we've moved on as a family.

OP, this is you being unreasonable and ridiculous. Your SIL has never pretended any particular interest in you or your family, so surely you can see there’s no point in you thinking she should be grateful for you ‘making the effort’? She doesn’t want you to ‘make the effort’ and possibly wishes you’d stop! It’s like someone making someone an elaborate dish the giver knows the giftee doesn’t like and then getting cross they’re not grateful ‘for the effort’!

Look, this is your husband’s sister. Let him handle making and maintaining a relationship, if he wants one. Otherwise you’re like someone climbing a mountain and getting very cross no one is grateful for all your effort in climbing the mountain.

They don’t have kids of their own and made that choice, yet you want them to be involved with yours? Why?
Your dh needs to check himself too, his sister had a heavy hand in raising him and he has the cheek to not even step back and think of the impact it had on her.