AIBU to stop making the effort with uninvolved sister-in-law?

[Whatthefork1]

Am I being unreasonable to not want a relationship with sister in law due to her lack of effort and contact with my children (her niece and nephew).

Sister and law and her partner are much older than myself and partner, they in their late forties / early fifties. MIL had her very young. They don’t have their own children, they have been together 25 plus years but only moved in together about 10 years ago,
SIL lived with MIL until then.

When we had our daughter nearly 5 years ago and we made a huge effort to involve them, we made them god parents (I know that doesn’t mean much these days, but we wanted to give them that honour). They were somewhat involved with my daughter and we would see them maybe every month at one point, at either ours or theirs, but as time went on the contact got less and less.

We had our son nearly two years ago and they have seen him probably 4 times his whole life. One of which was at his christening, then we went to visit them last Christmas and we saw them at MILs last week, wasn’t planned but they turned up when we were there. The other time was when they visited our house when he was born.

She doesn’t call or text to ask how the children are, she doesn’t invite us round or ask if she can visit us. I’m just done with it to be honest, I don’t see why we should make all the effort when she clearly couldn’t care less. Whenever she does see them, she takes a tonne of photos and posts them on social media- that really annoys me and I have commented and asked that she doesn’t upload our children onto social media as we don’t agree with it.

MIL has contacted my partner today and told him that he must talk to his sister more and check in on her and make sure she is okay. Why don’t we see her etc etc. he told MIL it is not his responsibility to make sure she is ok and that she knows where we live too. (I would like to add MIL is a whole other story and nightmare herself, but that isn’t the point of this post of course)

But anyway, AIBU to be pissed off and to say actually I don’t want anything to do with her anymore? Or am I being harsh and should I make more of an effort to try and involve her?

Ah just live and let live. We're all different. I don't care if my extended family don't want to see my kids. Other peoples kids are kinda boring

Similar but the other way round here. My OH never made any contact with his family unless I gingered him up a bit. After a while I asked myself why I was bothering - so I stopped.

Just let it wash by you. They either want to be involved with your and yours or not. Either way I can't think you are short of things to do!!

Some people just aren't interested in children. Especially small children who you can't have a proper conversation with. Many of us tolerate "you be the mummy and I'll be a horse" games with our own children but wouldn't ever want to play with other children. She doesn't have children of her own which is a fairly clear sign they are not that important to her.

I think you're being unfair to her really, the expectation that she "should" be interested in the unreasonable bit. She's not interested. She doesn't want to be involved. That doesn't mean she's a bad person.

It's the social media that would really piss me off here. I get that not everyone is interested in kids but to show barely any interest whilst posting photos on social media to pretend to the world that you're an involved family member with a meaningful relationship is entitled as fuck.

Especially the op saying she lives a boring life with not much going on. There are other ways to live.

You could arrange child free eg meals out with them and give up on the family stuff. Catch up and get to know them better that way.
im a DGM and spend a lot of time with my DGCs but no other DCs
Once your children are late teens or adults they might find they share an interest/ enjoy the odd bbq /xmas with young adults.
I would not push the family stuff

Some people just find small children hard work, OP. I'm one of them, which is why I'm childfree by choice. I found them much harder as I got older and, tbh, I don't find them very interesting.

Once they're into double figures, it's a whole different matter. I find older children and (especially) teenagers much more interesting and engaging. I'm the favourite aunty of a couple of my nieces and was the person they trusted and would tell things to that they didn't want to tell their parents. There were at least 2 occasions when I supported them to tell their parents stuff they would otherwise have been afraid to disclose. I'm closer to them now they're in their 20s and 30s than I ever was when they were under 12 or so. Your SIL may be similar.

And you're being very judgey to describe her life as "just existing". For all you know, she may be someone who likes a quiet life and is perfectly happy chilling at home.

It's very common to resent having been parentified and made to parent your sibling/s.

Obviously it's her parents who are to blame for this, but it's extremely common for older siblings who were put in this position to resent the sibling they were made to parent and also not to be keen on being made responsible for anyone else's children ever again.

I used to work in children's social care and where minor age older siblings had been parentified due to largely absent (but still living) parents they often cut contact once old enough to leave. Not always obviously..

MIL has contacted my partner today and told him that he must talk to his sister more and check in on her and make sure she is okay. Why don’t we see her etc etc.

Am I being unreasonable to not want a relationship with sister in law due to her lack of effort and contact with my children (her niece and nephew).

Yes, you are being massively unreasonable.. not everything revolves around you and your children and you hardly have a relationship with them now, so why would you even bother doing this if not to spite them for not worshipping your children? What your MIL thinks or suggests to your DH is separate to what SIL actually feels, it is HER that wants them to be closer.

My DH barely sees his siblings and they only ever show an interest in our daughter at birthdays/xmas, we get on great when we see them, but he doesn't have a close relationship with them at all, so I wouldn't expect them to be close with our children, because why would they?? In comparison, I'm close with my sisters and we all make a massive effort with each others kids, always meeting up, seeing each other, making plans etc .. if it was left to DH he wouldn't bother as it is just not how he is, without turning it into a sexist debate, I think it is because he is a bloke, and most the blokes in our wider family and people I know socially could absolutely take or leave spending times with their siblings and children.

IMO the adult relationship very much dictates the child relationship, if DH and his sister are not close then she won't be close to your children either.. don't punish her for that.

Do you know if they wanted children? Perhaps they had fertility issues?

I must be honest. I think you are expecting a lot. They are not her children they are yours. Not everyone is as attached to them as you are. She does not have any of her own. You cannot force someone to fawn over your kids. They are the centre of you and your husbands universe. If you feel her behaviour warrants to be cut off from you, then so be it. But, I am actually having a hard time understanding exactly what she has done wrong. Apart from not involving herself in your childrens lives! It really all sounds quite petty and immature.

You seem to be expecting a whole lot more effort from her than you’re prepared to put in. Only 1 out of 4 times you have seen her was going to her so it’s not like you’re constantly going out of your way to see her.
Yes, it’s really weird to say you just don’t want anything to do with someone because you feel they don’t see you enough.

Did you overdo it with the contact initially? I saw my relatives monthly when their children were small and gave them what was to me a lot of help - helping with bathtimes, babysitting so they could go out, getting up early with their kids if I stayed over so they could have a lie in. I had a full time job and my own life so this wasn’t an insignificant amount of my free time even once a month.

After a few years of being used like
this and no appreciation for my own life, priorities or offering me any support, I cut back on contact. I needed to get on with my life and my job had got busier. I felt like they assumed I wanted to be in their life because they had children.

Just leave it, she's not interested in your family, and you're not interested in her and her DH. That's fine, you're allowed to be uninterested in each other!

Your MIL is another issue entirely.

MIL has contacted my partner today and told him that he must talk to his sister more and check in on her and make sure she is okay. Why don’t we see her etc etc. he told MIL it is not his responsibility to make sure she is ok and that she knows where we live too.

Your DH's response was perfect, she can't control your relationships like this, thank goodness he's willing to push back.

@Whatthefork1 Well if you don't want a relationship with her you don't have to do anything really. She made it pretty clear she's not keen on you or your children so that's about it. No need to make a big deal about it, just accept it for what it is.

I can’t remember the last time I texted my sil about her children maybe Christmas for present ideas. I mean why would I? If I needed to know something about them then she can tell me. If we were arranging a meet up dh can text his sister.

Sounds like your sil did her time raising your dh likely why she hasn’t had children as many who have been parentified decide they do not want children and would rather a boring just existing life as you called it.

Mil shit stiring is likely because she knows dh is closer to his other half sister and it boils her piss.

OP has it occurred to you that posting photos of your DC online and accepting to be god parents may have been done for appearances sake, to please you, or at least appear interested in your DC even if they are not?

As much as you think their lives are boring, they likely think your lives filled with small children are also dull.

Focus on the people who are interested in you/your family and if your DH wants to reach out more to his sister (and vice versa), he will.

@LakieLady I think that's part of the OP's issue tbh. The idea that her SIL might pick and choose when to be part of their lives, i.e., they're too much work now, but perhaps they'll be acceptable to her when they're older! It's the reverse of dropping a previously energetic and engaging relative when they become elderly and unwell.

People who choose not to have children are rarely interested in being closely involved with other people's children, whether they are family or not. I wasn't, until I had my own. By then, I'd fallen out with my sister-in-law, who claimed I did not pay enough attention to my niece - which was true, but that's the way I felt at the time. You can't force your children on other people; not even family. Just let them be.

@Whatthefork1 I had a very similar situation when my DC were little. I couldn’t fathom the lack of interest from in-laws, esp SIL. It was upsetting tbh as we really could have done with the ‘village’. But what goes around, comes around. SIL has a little one now and I’m now delighted to not owe her anything. We NEVER have to babysit or help in general. We have a cushty time with older DC who generally look after themselves.

I’m pretty sure SIL has no idea why we don’t bother. She’s far too selfish to consider her own previous behaviour.

Your hearts in the right place OP but being family doesn't guarantee people will be interested. I think if it's not there naturally, you can't force it.

I'm confused Why exactly are you expecting them to be asking after your kids? And visiting you etc?

Well I definitely am. I know more about 2 niece)nephews now they are adults and speak to me occasionally on Facebook but the younger one I've seen twice in her life ( she's nearly 10) both of them at my mums house when they happened to be there

Nothing wrong with any of the kids but I don't see why I would have any real interest in tgen

Every one's best is different. Give your SIL unconditional love.
Treat all SIL with the same respect, Op.

You don't need to see her too often but do not show your children how to be mean. They are older relatives and boring ... but have self respect and be kind.

You husband could take one child over to see them every month.