AIBU to stop making the effort with uninvolved sister-in-law?

[Whatthefork1]

Am I being unreasonable to not want a relationship with sister in law due to her lack of effort and contact with my children (her niece and nephew).

Sister and law and her partner are much older than myself and partner, they in their late forties / early fifties. MIL had her very young. They don’t have their own children, they have been together 25 plus years but only moved in together about 10 years ago,
SIL lived with MIL until then.

When we had our daughter nearly 5 years ago and we made a huge effort to involve them, we made them god parents (I know that doesn’t mean much these days, but we wanted to give them that honour). They were somewhat involved with my daughter and we would see them maybe every month at one point, at either ours or theirs, but as time went on the contact got less and less.

We had our son nearly two years ago and they have seen him probably 4 times his whole life. One of which was at his christening, then we went to visit them last Christmas and we saw them at MILs last week, wasn’t planned but they turned up when we were there. The other time was when they visited our house when he was born.

She doesn’t call or text to ask how the children are, she doesn’t invite us round or ask if she can visit us. I’m just done with it to be honest, I don’t see why we should make all the effort when she clearly couldn’t care less. Whenever she does see them, she takes a tonne of photos and posts them on social media- that really annoys me and I have commented and asked that she doesn’t upload our children onto social media as we don’t agree with it.

MIL has contacted my partner today and told him that he must talk to his sister more and check in on her and make sure she is okay. Why don’t we see her etc etc. he told MIL it is not his responsibility to make sure she is ok and that she knows where we live too. (I would like to add MIL is a whole other story and nightmare herself, but that isn’t the point of this post of course)

But anyway, AIBU to be pissed off and to say actually I don’t want anything to do with her anymore? Or am I being harsh and should I make more of an effort to try and involve her?

I get it. I felt the same about ex SIL. She made a big show now and then but made no effort if it wasn't about her.

It’s up to your DH to maintain contact not you. If neither are interested no need to do anything yourself.

Yes she is and no becuase they are not sisters, both are DH’s half sisters, so the two sisters are not related.

Clearly there is much more to this. As she’s thinking the same as you, but of you. So something is amiss here,

Just ignore MIL and see SIL when you see her. It doesn’t seem necessary to decide not to see her at all. A lot of families work casually rather than always checking in on each other.

I don’t think it’s that simple. Clearly sil feels the exact same way about the op as the op feels about her, the mil confirmed it. They both think the other isn’t interested,

Surely you just accept that yourself and your SIL are two different people with nothing in common and have no relationship, other than you happen to be married to her brother. She doesn’t have to want to have a close relationship with your children. You don’t have to try foster a relationship between them.

We just have a family WhatsApp and randomly stick pictures and things in. It’s quite nice, children are added so it’s very sweet and has silly memes and pictures of proms or school stuff

What was your relationship with her like pre-babies? Unless you and your h were besties with her, I think you’re unreasonable to be angry.

I would match SIL’s energy and just see her every 6 months and expect nothing more. Some families are happy seeing each other twice a year while others see each other more. Ignore MIL’s shit stirring and enjoy the other auntie.

Because I saw more of her before and I, well more so DH know the type of person she is and the life that her and her partner lead. I don’t need to go into detail, but the way their life is, personally I would describe as “just existing” and yes I fully understand that doesn’t sound kind and I will get back lash for this comment, but we are aware of the life they lead. And it is not to say there is anything wrong with it, if they are happy with it, but it is just my perspective.

Absolutely. MIL is stirring the pit because SHE thinks there should be more connection.

We definitely saw more of them before we had children, but we didn’t really have a close relationship. She is much older than me, so it is hard to have anything in common and to be honest she had always been more of a mother figure to my DH than a sister, she looked after my DH a lot when he was younger.

yes MIL is definitely stirring, she is known for it.

Did your dh even grow up with her or was she a teen when he came along? It doesn’t sound like there is potential to be a close relationship regardless of your kids.

I absolutely agree with you to be honest. But I think it is not her place to believe there should be more connection as she doesn’t have a great relationship with us or the kids either!

She was a teen and actually looked after him quite often when he was a child and his mum was working.

You cannot blame her for not being interested in children, until I had ds I wasn't interested in them either. My maternal instinctct just hadn't fired up.

You are all adults, she has her husband and her life, so probably busy, and you have your dcs and probably not interested in her.

My one hesitation is that your dh, her brother should keep in occasional contact in case her marriage hits the rocks and she needs help, but that only takes a few emails and a Xmas card each year.

We were in the same position with BILs. They showed very little interest, despite whining about never seeing us, but whenever we tried to involve them, they had so many reasons and stipulations why they couldn’t come visit. Or when we said “don’t come between 12 and 2 as she will be napping” so they turned up at 11.30 and got pissed off we put her down for a nap at 12. We weren't going to have her turn into a sleepless demon just because they couldn’t meet a schedule.

MIL kept pushing us to “make an effort” which we did, but never pushed them to do the same. So eventually we told her we’d done our bit and if they wanted a relationship with her the ball was in their court, and she backed off. Our daughter is 17 now. She sees them occasionally when she visits MIL, but even then, they rarely strike up a conversation with her.

This post nails it.

Im sorry but I had a SIL like you, thought I should be more involved in my nephews lives.

She also did what you are suggesting and cut off contact to punish us.The only people who this hurt the most are my nephews. Although I see them now they are older I don't have a bond with them.

Enjoy your children, make them your World but don't expect the same from others

I has zero interest in children when my nephew was born. I still made the effort to see him as often as I could, despite living 200 miles away.

Its a very child centric view of life to think people should want to hang out with your kids. Perhaps they think kids are boring, much as you seem to think they too are dull

Yes, this!
I don’t understand why they moan that they never see us, yet can’t make an effort to actually do it.

I think I quite often just go by my own standards, which I shouldn’t. I can’t wait for my sister and SIL to have children and I will very much enjoy being a part of their lives.

YANBU. Sil should not be taking pics of your DC and posting them on social media. I do hope she's taken them down. Is she child-free by choice which might explain her lack of interest in your DC? Either way, many people aren't interested in other people's children. If you don't particularly like her and don't have much in common, why on earth bother? Also, it sounds a bit like because you made her godparent you want gratitude and involvement from her but she really doesn't have to play ball. I'm surprised she accepted given the lack of interest. Do you think she felt she had to?

It’s not that she SHOULD be, it’s more a question of - why wouldn’t she want to be?

To be fair, there are some kids I wouldn't want to spend much time with.

Obviously their parents love them but they're not everyone's cup of tea.

I have a friend I've recently stepped back from because I was the only one who ever got in touch, and I'm really fed up with it. I deleted her number but didn't block it, so she can still get in touch with me. If she does, I'll be glad and will respond, but I just cannot keep reaching out. So I understand how you feel. I think if you get nothing back, the only way is to stop. Doesn't mean you have to fall out, just that you stop taking part in a one-way street.