DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

This really changes everything doesn't it, even decisions like whether you tell your children about the assault are now no longer under your full control, since so many other people now know.

You must feel so betrayed by your husband. He should be grovelling.

O no OP that’s dreadful why has he been telling everybody? 😔

the only one maybe I could forgive as (because I don’t know yours and his dynamics) is MIL if he was looking at how to support you but otherwise why would it even up come up?

and his boss? Just WHY!

I hope he is apologising profusely?

Im so sorry OP. You deserve better from all of them.

Your DP is an attention seeking twat who has taken your trauma and made it all about himself. I don't think I could forgive him for that

I'm so, so sorry OP. I agree with others, I think this is relationship ending. I understand that is easy to say and hard to do, but it is such an utter betrayal.
It does seem your DH has used this as social currency. IF he felt he needed any support, and IF he felt he couldn't discuss it with you, at most he needed to tell a close friend that he knew you'd been 'been through some stuff' or that you've 'been treated badly by men in the past' and then moved on to himself, eg that it made him feel protective, or he felt helpless, as your current partner. There is no situation in which it was necessary for him to tell any details about what you have been through.

I'm really creeped out by Bs actions too. The route he was going down seems to me to have a lot in common with rape fantasy/rape porn. It's also the justification that some sex abusers use, that the victim wasn't a victim because they have become hyper sexualised as a consequence of their trauma, therefore they were seeking it/asking for it. I'm sorry to say that I suspect he preserved because he was getting a thrill about talking to you about it. It's absolutely awful behaviour and Im not only horrified at Bs actions, but I'm worried that your DH isn't seeing the seriousness of that either.

I can't imagine what you're going through and I really hope you have some real life support to help you put a stop to this utter gaslighting, and to take control of whatever you decide you want to happen next.

OP this must be so overwhelming.

I just wanted to send you a hug. And an extra hug to your vulnerable 17y self who was violated so appallingly.

You sound like you have done an incredible job, building a life up for yourself and engaging with difficult therapy. You are amazing. I am sure you will be prioritising your children through all this.

You are strong. You have got through some awful times, and you will get through this too. Please find somebody who can offer you unconditional support and fight your corner. You need someone you can trust by your side x

A pp said that what B has done is verbal sexual assult. Anyone legal on here know if it constitutes something like sexual harrassment or similar?
Knowing your history and that you had been traumatised. He also willfully told you that your husband had told him, which he must have known would cause disruptions in your marriage. The way he said it as if he knew your DH was wrong, knowing that would affect you and make you want to ask how? Why? setting up a conversation. He then started in with his pervy questions.

Wouldn't that be gross misconduct if at work? What he has done feels like a crime (even if it turns out not to be)

OP. Could you call a rape crisis centre for advice as it is connected to your previous trauma

Also, the confident, intrusive manner in which this was done (and as a pp said sitting alone in a bar where women congregate) really seems to illustrate his mindset and that he obviously thought he could get away with this. Is it possible that he already has some existing complaints against him.?

Maybe you have grounds to ask the Police to warn him. (I'm not an expert, but an RC would know) His behaviour has made you feel unsafe.

So that's one half of the problem.
The second half is your DH texting things like this to this horrible bastard.
"'I’ve known you both as long as each other and I want to try and maintain what we have whilst sorting out these issues.'

Is he a complete people pleaser? He needs a group of 7 people to tell him how to feel about this? Doesn't he realise that in insulting you, B has also insulted DH, enquiring into DH's sex life as well as yours actually.
Why is DH having to think twice about this? B effectively landed DH in it too, telling you in the worst possible way that they all knew.
I'm assuming DH is very low in the pecking order of this group if its OK by him and everyone else for B to behave like this. B is an evil Iago. "| want to try and maintain what we have"... ie what B and DH have? That almost sounds like B has taken offence at being called out and now DH is worried he's gone too far (all assumptions of course) Why do all of them get to decide how things go forward in a matter that really doesnt;t concern them. Tell their wives, they also need to be warned about B.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I hope you can find some RL support to get through this. You mentioned you've had therapy, I hope you are able to talk to someone.

He's not a people pleaser. I think the PP who said communal narcissist is spot on. He's used your trauma, OP, to attract attention and make himself look like a hero. To draw people's sympathy. What a fucking cunt.

I’m so sorry OP. There is no good explanation for this. He has been gossiping about you in the most brutal way.

You need IRL support. You said upthread that you had told a friend about some of what has happened in the last few days but she doesn’t know about the actual rape. Do you think you could tell her? You really do need someone to help you through this. Sending you love 💐

I am so sorry OP. You husband has dined out on this for years. There seems to be no one he has not told. He has let you down.

Like other posters I think he is an attention seeking twat. Weak, and needs to make himself look good. You deserve so much better. Please deal with him. Your daughter deserves a better role model.

Where is this idiots self respect? Who allows a group of ignorant men to dictate to him that they need a meeting about your trauma. This thread has made me more angry than any other I have read.

Also.
"I don't want an argument." before exiting, when you are trying to discuss something

A convenient way to not only shut you up but also make you wary of trying to continue getting the point across later.

It's like putting his hands over his ears and singing. It suggests he doesn't want to hear how it made you feel because... that might damage his lovely friendship group and if you could just forget about it - it would all go awaay and he could stop worrying about it.

This is just awful.

B is despicable and just needs to be cancelled by the group. The fact that they're not keen to do this, and the fact that apparently your DH told them in the first place because of their off-colour jokes suggests that they're all pretty awful and that your DH needs new friends.

But he doesn't seem to see it like that. The way he's handling the fallout from this is even worse than the initial betrayal of trust and confidentiality imo, and that was utterly awful in itself. Plus it's starting to seem as though he's told all and sundry for the flimsiest reasons. Has he been getting off on the attention? If so, it's hardly surprising his revelations have attracted the attention of a predatory voyeur like B.

All of this is just a snapshot of a small part of your marriage and I don't want to be part of a kneejerk LTB brigade but if I'm honest this would have me questioning the future of my marriage. The fact that he's doing anything other than apologising unreservedly and telling his friends to fuck off is a big, big problem imo. You should not be bearing the brunt of this awful situation.

Fwiw I think messaging them all yourself was the right thing to do, brave, and probably how I would have handled it too.

for you, OP.

Came to say this. When there has been a huge breach of trust by your husband involving another person, in order for trust to be rebuilt (if you want the marriage to continue, that is, and that is your choice), he HAS to cut off all contact with said person / people to show he is serious about moving forward. This will also prevent that person from raising the betrayal again, intentionally, unintentionally, or just by their sheer presence (which would be a trigger in itself)

He needs to choose you or them. There is no other way. Sending huge hugs, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Betrayal is so painful.

Precisely. I feel white hot rage just thinking about it.

That's the biggest betrayal OP.

I don't think I could ever trust him again after this.

I would be fuming with my husband
No matter what, he had no right to tell anyone about it.
I think personally, i couldnt get over the betrayal of my husband

I’m sorry but your husband is clearly the issue here, I thought that before you even said he’d told his boss and his mum. It was the fact he told all his mates, lied to you and clearly wants to meet with them and brush this under the carpet and continue as it was.

he has betrayed your trust. And I suspect the way b spoke about it to you is indicative of how your husband speaks about it. And that’s why the group think a meeting is fine. As he’s had similar conversations about you with them. He’s even discussed your sex life.

im sorry but for Me, my marriage would be over.

He’s used your trauma for validation. He’s a disgusting man and you need to get out of this relationship. The trust has gone and he’s scum.
you are the company you keep and if his friend said things like that to you I wonder what they talk about in the “lads group chat”.

Op, I have read all your replies and honestly I cant believe what I have read.

I'm am so sorry you are going through this.

Your husband had no right telling anyone about this, what he has done is abhorrent.

What the so called friend did is horrific too. Speaking about something so personal, so others could hear. He was obviously getting some kind gratification from it, there is no way he didn't know how this would make you feel or that it was inappropriate.

Now they are trying to blame/shame you by saying how much it will affect them.

They are all worthless pieces of 💩. You owe them nothing and deserve so much better. Xx

💐

The only reason why dh would ever be okay with B’s despicable behaviour will be because it’s entirely accepted behaviour in his group, and has been for decades. Understood between them
as in line with the norm. They might have material on dh or other examples of his own behaviour - and so this is how it is controlled and enforced.

Within the group this will be blamed squarely on op. She will be seen as the one causing trouble and being over the top.

My basic assumption is that dh can’t and won’t stand up to B or the group, he has only one option to exit, and it’s debatable whether he will do that - he might fudge it and lie to op, and hope in time it all passes. Either way she is left with this huge betrayal, living with a man happy to throw her under a bus, and one that does not respect her courage or feelings.

So sorry OP. I was attacked and raped by a stranger at the same age as you. I’m in my 50s now and have ptsd etc. life is hard.

I have no advice I’m afraid apart from I would no longer be married to my husband if they did that.

The only people who know what happened to me are on here as I’m anonymous, my current DP and we never discuss it, one friend and one parent. This subject is not up for discussion ever.

You are married to a disgusting pig. It actually sounds as if he might get off on discussing it. I'm so sorry OP. What is being suggested - this round table discussion of your deeply private past - is so, so beyond normal it's hard to even put it into words. I really don't think you should go though, it will be like dogs circling prey. You are being forced to relive it and discuss it by your scum of a husband. It isn't up for discussion, how fucking dare your husband even consider that it is.

I’ve read your updates that a boss, mil know as well etc. I’d have to end my relationship over this as I could never trust the person who broke my confidence again. So very sorry op.

I do understand how it feels as as I put in my previous comment I was attacked at the same age.

@Anon8761 OP, your husband is a very, very, very weird man and so it follows that his friends are too. Absolutely none of this falls into the category of normal. Not even close. It's like something from a nihilistic film plot. I sincerely hope you're making plans to leave this twisted and toxic cult.

This is a huge, huge betrayal of trust. And his excuses for telling boss and MiL are pathetic and ridiculous and most probably lies. What, did he think he'd have to rush from work because you were having a 'breakdown'? He knows better than that, especially as I'm sure he knows the hard work you put in to dealing with the trauma. No, most likely he told his boss to garner sympathy or as an excuse to take a day off. As for telling MiL, did he think your children were 'at risk from you' so MiL needed to 'keep a special eye' on them'? Chances are he just wanted her to know. Even if there'd been some sort of disagreement with MiL and you, using what happened to you to 'explain it away' is the rankest betrayal.

I'm not saying LTB unless that is what you want to do. But if that's not your immediate decision, I do think that it wouldn't hurt for the two of you to see a marriage counselor. You need to be able to vent and rage at him in a 'controlled environment' (ie he has to shut up and listen) and he needs to understand that he didn't just 'cross a line', he leapt over the Grand Canyon. He needs to really 'get' that your trust is broken and he's going to have to work hard to earn it back. If that's even possible.