AIBU to find my husband's early-morning visit to our friend fishy?

[Weejayy]

My husband and I have a lovely female mutual friend, who we will call Cathy.

My husband (31m) left her some overnight oats on her windowsill after finding out she’d been through a bad break up. Sweet thing to do. He didn’t tell me about it but she did later and I was like oh, ok, maybe it just slipped his mind.

Then yesterday morning I wake up at 6am and my husband isn’t anywhere in the house. I get on with my day and assume he’s just on a run. At 9am I start getting worried that he’s not back so I give him a call. No answer. So I check find my friends and discover he’s at Cathy’s address.

Cathy and him have a running group together so I sort of assume the group have all gone running together and are having brunch.

I give him another call to let him know I’m taking the car and when I’m likely to be back from meeting friends. I ask him about his morning and what he’s been doing, sort of expecting he’d say he’d had a good run with the group.

He says he’s been getting on with his day. I say oh, ok, where did you go? (I was slightly bummed he hadn’t sent a courtesy text that he’d be out). He answers with the name of our nearest city. I said oh ok, who are you with? (Still thinking I’d get news from our friends but now feeling a bit weird that he isn’t really giving a straight answer)
he says he’s on his own. (at this point I’m plain suspicious) so I ask him, so where in [name of our city] are you? He says oh, you know, around [name of city] I go yes but where? He replies with the name of a side road I wouldn’t recognise. And I say who were you with this morning? (At this point I think he’s clocked I know) so he says ‘Cathy’ and I say ‘you were at her house?’ He sounds a bit panicked and says ‘I just left my phone there while we were out running.’
at which point I go ‘ok, I think that’s all I need to know.’

technnically, none of this is lying and they may well have just gone on a run together and the rest of group didn’t show up. But am I being unreasonable for finding the cover up to this whole thing a bit fishy? Like why didn’t he just tell me straight?

I would, but I would put the onus on him, as in, ask her if he was bothering her turning up at hers without you. That way you’re not accusing her of anything.

I’ve read more than one post on here where single women say married men have hit on them straight after a breakup - and even after being widowed.

This with bells on.

Cheating husbands are known to gaslight. Part of the script. They are not very original.

Agree 😬

Men do not want to be friends with women as they would be with other men.
Does that mean they're misogynist? No.
Does it mean they can't have work colleagues, and acquaintances they're fond of? No.
They just don't want to go out of their way to spend time with women they aren't related to.

Unless it's getting their leg over or exploiting her for money etc.

I wish that women would wake up about this and stop supporting this corrosive idea.

Dh has made a new female friend and they're going away on a bog snorkeling course but the hotel has only one room available with a double bed and they've booked it.. Aibu to be suspicious?

Then the smarmy replies,

Don't you trust him, OP?

Visit Cathy.
Get some straight answers.

Can we have the recipe for the overnight oats? They seem magical’

They may or may not be having an affair.
But one thing is clear.
Your husband fancies ‘Cathy’.

Here's the thing, he may not have been pining for her or fancying her in the way that women fancy men, it's just she's a not 'wholly' unattractive woman in his orbit who is now single.

Cathy being vulnerable at this point is now a target.
She may have had sex with him and now regrets it.
Telling him it's a one-off.
In which case, he might be moody as there's no repeat performance.

YANBU, exactly, why wouldn't he just tell you straight away? Maybe he thought it would look fishy hency why he hesitsted, but it didn't help much. If anything, it only made the situation worse!

I was just about to post something similar.

You have no concrete evidence that he is having an affair, so accusing him or her may blow up in your face. You can either keep quiet whilst you look for it, or put a sledgehammer to this right away.

I'd basically tell him that you are onto him. Everytime he moved his lips I would say "Oh, are you going over to CATHY'S again. Is Cathy joining us? Are you doing her overnight oats again. Tell Cathy I said hi?"

I would also be ready for the reverse psychology that cheating men use to shut women up. "It's all in my head? Oh DH, nice bit of gaslighting there". Or, make a bingo card of gaslighting and other cheating lying husband buzzwords and phrases and then pull it out and shout HOUSE when it is full and pass it to him. If you are not a sarcastic cow like me, then I would just say "No, don't gaslight me, I am not having it".

Yes if she wants to have him for herself and cause trouble

Oh op he’s definitely having an affair.

Ask her - face to face - so you can really see if she’s scrabbling to cover up etc.

And confront him again when he gets home. All sounds very dodgy.

Sorry but the first part alone is dodgy as hell.
he clearly fancies her. When men want something, they pursue it. That’s exactly what he’s doing.

Why don’t you go for a coffee with Cathy and see how you feel after that.. I reckon you will feel awkward and your gut will tell you your answers. She may also shed some light on what’s unfolding.

Your husband thinks the grass is greener!

Do you have a birthday coming up op? Or similar? Could they be planning a surprise party or something like that for you?

When he starts telling you that you are just being jealous, paranoid etc and that's why he didn't tell you, just smile and say 'that's in the first part of the script'

If he looks confused , sit him down and kindly explain you won't stand for his gaslighting bullshit, and what the 'script' is.

He's spent 3 hours with your friend and lied multiple times about it. You'll never know what exactly happened, but he obviously fancies his chances with her.

Do you think he’d be dropping overnight oats at Mavis’s house in her 60s who’d just split up with her husband? That’s always the clincher for me.

I know there are some lovely men who’d do this sort of thing for their wives, mates etc but I think it’s vanishingly rare. Most men aren’t ‘thoughtful’ unless it actually benefits them. They certainly wouldn’t be rushing around doing favours for women they didn’t want to sleep with.

I had a number of married men sniffing after me when I was young, naive and single. I think they liked the vulnerability and the seeming lack of baggage - obviously I appeared more carefree than their wives because they didn’t see me in a domestic setting (it was usually workmates).

Anyway I don’t think Cathy has definitely done anything wrong but your DH is as guilty as hell in intentions if not in execution.

This is fishy as fuck. Sorry op. It may not have gone anywhere - yet - but this needs dealing with. Would you behave like this? Would he be ok with it if you did? Fuck, no,

This would really concern me, sounds like he’s hiding the truth here

Trust your gut-it's never wrong.

Could have been related?

Your gut is very rarely wrong. His actions don’t make sense and you know him well enough to know he is lying. You know something is up…just not the extent.

Now you have to decide how to play it.

1. Go full on private investigator. Read his messages, emails, track his location, show up at her house when he’s supposed to be on a ‘run’.
2. Have a serious conversation that his actions have made you uncomfortable and questioning his intentions towards the friend and your marriage. Be very clear that if anything is going on (or he wants it to) it will be the end of your marriage. Tell him you are giving him this one chance to be honest and step back from whatever is happening (if he’s not already DTD).
3. Speak to her subtly and try and get her take. ‘You and DH seem to be going on really early runs recently. How you holding up with your break up? Is DH being supportive or too much?’ If you know your friend well and get her talking you may be able to spot if she is uncomfortable talking about his support.
4. Wait and watch. See if it is a one off or if it’s a recurring pattern. If it continues then pick one of the actions above.

It’s an awful position to be in. Especially when it’s with someone you consider a friend. My advice is be strong on what your boundaries are from the beginning (no lying, telling you where he is, being transparent in his communication with her) and if he can’t respect that then I would come down hard. Ask him to move out / reconsider your relationship. Ultimately if he really wants to cheat he will, the only thing that may stop him is knowing there would be no way back with you and having that made loud and clear.

He left it on a windowsill like some sort of soggy oats fairy?

that’s the weirdest excuse for having an addie I’ve ever heard!

confront her. Turn up unanounced. Then divorce him.