AIBU to find my husband's early-morning visit to our friend fishy?

[Weejayy]

My husband and I have a lovely female mutual friend, who we will call Cathy.

My husband (31m) left her some overnight oats on her windowsill after finding out she’d been through a bad break up. Sweet thing to do. He didn’t tell me about it but she did later and I was like oh, ok, maybe it just slipped his mind.

Then yesterday morning I wake up at 6am and my husband isn’t anywhere in the house. I get on with my day and assume he’s just on a run. At 9am I start getting worried that he’s not back so I give him a call. No answer. So I check find my friends and discover he’s at Cathy’s address.

Cathy and him have a running group together so I sort of assume the group have all gone running together and are having brunch.

I give him another call to let him know I’m taking the car and when I’m likely to be back from meeting friends. I ask him about his morning and what he’s been doing, sort of expecting he’d say he’d had a good run with the group.

He says he’s been getting on with his day. I say oh, ok, where did you go? (I was slightly bummed he hadn’t sent a courtesy text that he’d be out). He answers with the name of our nearest city. I said oh ok, who are you with? (Still thinking I’d get news from our friends but now feeling a bit weird that he isn’t really giving a straight answer)
he says he’s on his own. (at this point I’m plain suspicious) so I ask him, so where in [name of our city] are you? He says oh, you know, around [name of city] I go yes but where? He replies with the name of a side road I wouldn’t recognise. And I say who were you with this morning? (At this point I think he’s clocked I know) so he says ‘Cathy’ and I say ‘you were at her house?’ He sounds a bit panicked and says ‘I just left my phone there while we were out running.’
at which point I go ‘ok, I think that’s all I need to know.’

technnically, none of this is lying and they may well have just gone on a run together and the rest of group didn’t show up. But am I being unreasonable for finding the cover up to this whole thing a bit fishy? Like why didn’t he just tell me straight?

Id be very disturbed if someone left me oats on my windowsill! That's so strange and creepy. She could have him after that alone. So many questions - did he creep around in the dark and drop them? How did she know the oats were there and find them? Did she bring the plate back?

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That doesn’t sound good either

😆

Wouldn’t be having it …
Each to their own but in my humble opinion he’s at it .

It may be all one-sided on your Dh's part, OP.
But the obfuscating and failure to answer a very reasonable question is highly suspicious. He's hiding something for sure.

I’d ring Cathy and just be honest with her. Explain that your husband keeps lying about where he is, when he is with her?! You’re finding his behaviour a bit strange! Is everything okay when they’re together? See what she says. If she acts strange then you know something’s up.

why are you being so naive? Of course he is shagging her or will be soon!

Did she mention the overnight oats to you cos she’s concerned he’s being a bit weird? Or just she genuinely assumed you’d know about it. I’d say to her look Cathy I feel weird asking this but DH lied to me about seeing you and is being shifty. Should I be concerned? Then I’d have a chat with DH and say maybe we’ve been taking each other for granted but we need to discuss our relationship and set some appropriate boundaries. I wouldn’t go to another man’s house or leave gifts on his windowsill because I’d consider it disrespectful and I expect you to treat me with the same degree of respect.

Overnight oats! Well I guess chocolates would melt in this heat.

I would tell her that you and your DH are splitting up due to him having an affair…

If I was up and out the house before 6am I would definitely either message DH where I was or leave a note. If it's planned in advance and I'd tell him "I'm going for a run first thing with X". And either "I'll he back around..." or "not sure when I'll be back."
Isn't that quite basic communication?

I think maybe approach it as "Cathy, I am a bit worried DH has been making a nuisance of himself - I think he has maybe developed a bit of a crush" and see how she responds.

It's not looking good. Normally when nothing to hide people tell each other their plans (he's off to Cathy's) and where they are (at Cathy's). They are open and transparent, not secretive and fibbing.

A week or so my oldest friend whose husband had cheated on her repeatedly so she knows exactly how this feels and nursed me through a adulterous breakup revealed to me that she’s been shagging somebody for five years
People are mental

Also, if he didn't leave oats on the window before she was single, why not? It's either a perfectly ok friendly gesture or it's something that crosses a boundary. If it were the former he'd have done it when her boyfriend was on the scene. What stopped him?

They are both awful. There's no excuse for cheating or for shagging a married man.
What a grim pair. Sorry op.

I wouldn't be speaking to Cathy. I'd be speaking to my husband. I'd tell him flat out that what he is doing is putting his marriage at risk and he needs to think very carefully about what his priorities are.

If he wants to be a good friend to Cathy then why can't you do things all together? And when was the last time he made you breakfast or took you to the nearby city?

I wouldn't assume it’s an affair as he may not have done anything. I’d assume though that he at least hopes to, as why else would he behaving so secretively. The nice guy act while she’s a little more vulnerable is also in itself a warning sign of how manipulative he can be.

I'm someone who jumps to conclusions and can't help myself so perhaps don't read too much into this; I'd put the left leg of each of his trousers & shorts into a shredder

😆

He wouldn’t lie if there was absolutely nothing to worry about. Even if it’s just an unrequited crush on his side. I’d be watching for him switching off his location on Find My Friends. I’d also be telling him that the evasiveness about where he’s been and who he’s been with only creates distrust and if that continues the relationship will be over.

Your husband’s behaviour is very suspicious. This isn’t a woman whose husband of many years died but someone who is well rid of a dodgy boyfriend whose parents she only met once. I doubt he’d be making special breakfasts for a male friend who’d been dumped. Why is he going round her house at all for his running? If she’s a mutual friend then I would say something but it sounds like she’s his friend not yours. I would not be happy with more visits to this woman.

Strange she told you about the oats, unless it was a case of getting her version in first

maybe he's why Cathy's relationship broke-up?

"Overnight oats" eh?

Strange thing to leave on somebody's windowsill...

In my opinion, Cathy may be an innocent party in all this. She’s been honest and upfront with you, it seems. Your husband has something going on with her—but I think it might be an unrequited crush at this point. Why else would he lie?