AIBU to be surprised DH would stay single after a split?

[ForgodssakeJanetyoutakethegibletsoutfirst]

Talking to DH about what he’d do if we split up. Lighthearted, we aren’t splitting up.

He said he wouldn’t look for a new relationship. First reason, he couldn’t be arsed. Second reason, it would be disruptive for DD to have new people in her life. He said that basically what he wants comes second, and he didn’t think her navigating a blended family just so he “could get laid” was worth it.

I was surprised by his response, as I’d assumed most men would get back in the game. AIBU?

I don’t think that what someone says they’ll do in that situation is that reliable. Not that he’s lying, just that right now, while he’s still happily in love with you, he probably does think “nah I wouldn’t want another partner”.
If you break up, he’s got the children probably a max of 50% of the time and is otherwise living alone, he may feel differently.

Well, I can't give you a man's 💪 opinion but a few years back me and then (D)H had a conversation that involved me saying if we ever split up the kids wouldn't have a stepdad, I would remain single. I definitely meant it. A few years on we have split up. He has a girlfriend, I've remained single. And plan to keep it that way.

I think you're both being unreasonable to think an answer to this question can really be predicted in advance.

For one, relationships break up in different ways. Sometimes the relationship has lacked any kind of intimacy for a long time before the separation, so the actual break feels like it happened way before it actually did. Emotionally, you may be craving connection because you've already grieved the loss of your previous relationship.

Another thing is what you envisage relationships will look like and how the reality can differ. He might be thinking that he won't be rushing into the kind of entanglement you have with each other now. The kind of thing you likely built as two single, childless people because you both desired the marriage/house/kids traditional life.

You'll never be those people again. So in the future, you may find that a live apart long term relationship where you arent a blended family isn't as unattractive as you assume to people your (current) age. When you find that actually there isnt the pressure to "blend", it makes at least some relationships seem more of a possibility without getting in the way of the parenting standards you set for yourself.

I believe your dh for all the exact reasons. No 1 being , no way am I ever taking on anyone else’s kids or sharing my kids home with them. No way will my kids be forced to spend time with and their home with random kids. His thought process is exactly what I would say, so I do believe him.

It sounds like one of those tiktok videos where the womans only asking to start an argument 😂

I doubt it.

Hope it never happens to the OP.

I’ve said this exact same thing. No interest at all in finding a new partner if DH and I ever break up.

YABU to take any notice of a hypothetical conversation.

I know scores of women and men who are adamant they wouldn't want to meet anyone else, until they do.

No-one knows what the future holds or who they may end up falling in love with.

My dh says the same said he couldn’t be bothered and would never join a dating app 🤷‍♀️

It’s just words.

OP, do you actually think it would be the case, or is he saying it because he thinks that's what you want to hear?

What was he supposed to say.

"Oh darling if we ever split up I would be on tinder before the ink even dried on the divorce papers. I would shag multiple women per week, and eventually remarry when I had done shagging around".

What was he supposed to say.

"I'd climb into bed with your sister before the front door was closed behind you" 🤣🤣

The single dads I know absolutely do put their children first. They do date sometimes when they don't have the kids but that's casual. One of them was in a longer relationship with a single mum but that was more of a FWB as it suited them both.

YABU to believe him.

Of course he's saying that now.

I was the "perfect parent" prior to actually being one! its one of those things you say because you arent in that situation

Mine said that. He was already shagging someone else 🤣

Hopefully your DH is a decent chap. There must be some out there!

I don’t know really. Dh and I have both said the same in conversation, just couldn’t be arsed to do that getting to know you bit again, getting my body out to a stranger, learning their quirks, none of it.
If we broke up we both said we’d not bother again. But you just never know do you?
So I’d believe what he said but not put any stock by it that either of you would remain single forever because it’s just how life works out sometimes.

I always said the same thing - I remember saying it to a recently divorced friend. Unbeknown to me she started seeing someone and told me it’s easy to say but you never know until you’ve been there.

I now firmly agree it is easy to say until you’re in that position. You never know what the future holds. The same thing happened to me several years later and I have enjoyed meeting someone new. I waited a few years first and then met someone. There is no pressure to blend, both of us like hanging out when we’re not with our children.

I am single for the same reasons he cited - CBA plus impact on DD. I divorced when she was 5, she's now 20.

My ex hasn’t met anyone and I doubt he intends to. We still get on well, and I think probably he’d have been perfectly happy single for his whole life.

I'm a widow and when I started dating I had countless people say to me, "if my husband/wife died I wouldn't want to meet someone else, I'd stay single forever", and I see it online all the time too. And to be fair I'd have said the same before I was widowed. But when you are actually faced with it, it doesn't look or feel anything like you thought it would, and your perspective is completely upended. And I imagine it would be the same if you ever did split up.

Take comfort in the fact that he probably isn't seriously thinking about it, because it sounds like it's a very abstract concept to him!

If you believe that you'll believe anything.

My ex husband stood in the kitchen in floods of tears when we were divorcing that he couldn't bear not to see DC every day, he simply couldn't bear it...breaking his heart it was. I said I would make him a promise that I would never stand in his way of seeing the children at any time, and I have kept it.

Fast forward six months, he was hardly to be seen, very very busy with his new GF now wife, suddenly not quite so heartbroken after all. He has never asked to have them on Father's day once, off on lots of very nice child free holidays several times a year, and has them when he's not busy with his new life.

Time, the great healer!

You are being unreasonable to expect your DH to know what he would do in an unknown situation which may or may not happen. You are also being quite naive here - if his first thoughts were that he would ask for a date with his secretary/colleague/mates sister etc , do you think he would tell you ?

I've been single since we broke up in 2015.
If my ex has had a relationship since, it must be with a phantom, so I believe he's been single too. According to him, he has enough stress in his life, so has no room for extra people.

Not everyone has the capacity for extra people, so maybe he genuinely believes this.