To make awful demands of DH

[jonesonscam]

DH likes to stuff all my clothes in my drawer in a mildly aggressive manner as he doesn’t like that I sometimes leave small piles of folded clothes on top of my chest of drawers. This evening I brought my laundry up, had a shower, got my pjs on and DH came up in a huff, saw my unhung/sorted pile of laundry and started stuffing it into drawers - think drawers with clothes spilling out of the top, rolled into balls etc. I said, calmly and not unkindly ‘I haven’t got around to hanging them yet, please can you not stuff them in like that as you crease them and sometimes rip them?’

This was, apparently, V V U. ‘God I can’t do anything right today CAN I?!’ husband huffs, alluding I assume to a conversation this morning where I asked him if he could turn off his reading light after midnight in future because he had it on until 2am last night and I couldn’t get off to sleep properly (I did ask at the time and was told ‘yes I am just finishing this book’).

That too, was apparently V V U.

I 100% believe in rejection sensitivity dysphoria as a thing but this is just effing ridiculous. I feel like I can’t say ‘What the hell DH?!’ because that will make him even WORSE.

My god, how do people live like this? He sounds awful.

Agree with this. Courtesy to your partner is a basic expectation when in a relationship. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

many of us are putting up with absolute man children

Indeed.

I wonder how many men say they have rejection sensitivity dysphoria when in fact they are just being dicks

So you have different circumstances but generally it would be selfish to keep someone awake by leaving any light on. There are other ways, as people have suggested, a kindle with a back light.
My husband and I are both really bad sleepers but when we shared a bed neither of us would dream of keeping the other awake by leaving a light on.
Now the children are grown up and left home we sleep in separate rooms. It is bliss and we can visit each other from time to time.

Hell will freeze before I wear an eye mask to bed in my own home. It is much more common and normal to respect others and take your reading elsewhere and let people sleep.

YANBU about the light and reading.

The clothes thing - that depends. Your 'a few things piled up' might be your idea of a few things but in reality might be a toppling pile of stuff that gets knocked off every time someone walks past (obviously I don't know, but I reserve judgement on that one).

But he does need to work on his reactions.

You sound v v annoying!

My DH reads a lot (retired) but he doesn’t read in bed ever as I can’t stand any lights on in the bedroom. He’ll read downstairs until he feels sleepy then comes to bed. He’ll use a pen torch when getting undressed as I’m already in bed asleep when he goes to bed. A bedside light would wake me up.

It’s not hard to be considerate towards your partner. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He is inconsiderate. My DH would turn the light off once I roll over to go to sleep. He wouldn't put my clothes away, badly or not but also wouldn't be bothered if they were there for a day or two. Tell him he's being a jerk.

Epic excuse! Dirty clothes on the bathroom floor is “a system” but a pile of folded clean clothes is a mess. Yeah right…..

Nearly 20 years treading the boards of MN. And if you are a parent of a child who struggles with emotional regulation, there are so many online support groups and content creators who will suggest ND and RSD, so it is easy to think it is 'the thing'. When one's child is not developing in line with social, developmental or cognitive norms, we find ourselves desperate for answers. I totally understand how RSD becomes a plausible explanation, but I have found it much less disempowering, once I learnt about the shaky ground upon the idea of RSD was founded, to steer away from challenges with emotional regulation being somehow innate, and much more empowering to work on the idea that, like other behaviour and communication, this too can be addressed with appropriate practical and therapeutic tools.

So does that give him a get out of jail free card to be a dick to OP

I'd ask him why he was being so hostile and aggressive to me when I asked him to not do something. The things you've mentioned are completely reasonable.
Don't have a reading lamp pointing at your wife's face when she wants to bloody sleep. How the fuck does he think that's not going to piss someone off? That's actually really mean and pass agg of him since he knows you are trying to sleep and have tried to offer other types of light so he could still read. It's not as if you are saying he can't read in bed.
Him doing that with your clothes is passive aggressive. It's also hypocritical of him too.
Tell him that you expect to be able to tell him things or ask him to not do something without him making it awkward and a bigger deal than it needs to be.
Whats his problem with you??
RSD is definitely a thing, but also I don't think this is what is making him act like a prick to you.

I think if you have chests of drawers (chester draws) where the screw of the handle pokes out into the drawer, its quite easy to catch clothing on it, Ive done it myself when staying at airbnbs and you hae to be really careful. If you're just randomly shoving stuff in with little care I can see how this happens.

Yes very annoying.

At no point did I say I wouldn't have a conversation with my DH about it if he bought it up. I think the key differences that I'm learning as I scroll mumsnet is a lot of you (not all) are very resentful because of an inability to communicate (whichever partner that may be) leading to a complete lack of flexibility or compromise.

It's so weird.

I’ve read most of the thread and I think all the ops post, and if rejection sensitive dysphoria makes you an asshole to your wife and also stops her from commenting on this in any way, then he needs to be single. And if there’s no diagnosis and he is just an asshole who thinks the ops feelings, sleep, work load and general opinion about anything at all is completely irrelevant to him then he really needs to be single, starting years ago.

OP has tried to communicate with her DH but supposedly that is when his RSD kicks in

Your clothes not being put away and him having the light on are red herrings.

You don’t like each other.
If it weren’t these things, you’d find other things to argue about.

Do you have DCs?
How long has this been going on?

Perhaps a serious conversation about whether you’re both going to try and make this work or separate is needed.
Neither of you can continue living like this.

My pjs were in the pile but why does this even matter?

of course you can! If you're going to be reading until 2am you can read in literally any other room in the house. It's normal to not want to sleep with a light on.

@jonesonscam

As your first complaint re your husband is how he puts away your laundry, had you done it before your shower he would not have been ' stuffing ' your clothes into a chest.

I’m not sure why you can’t if you’re stopping the other person from sleeping.
what next? Watching Tv because it’s nicer in bed afd tge OP should also wear ear plugs if it disturbs her?

@jonesonscam your dh is inconsiderate at the very least.
Im also Wonderimg if he is showing other controlling/punishing (? Seeing this happened on the back of the morning argument) behaviours tbh.

He did Somethimg that sometimes (often?) damages your belongings. He did it KNOWING you don’t like it because youve told him. That’s not just ‘rejection sensitivity’. That’s a very aggressive move.

And I’m not even going into the fa t he is doing that in such a way it has DAMAGED your stuff before. How can you damage clothes puttimg them in a drawer. I mean unless you’re purposefully doing it to damage said clothes,

I can't believe people are actually on here saying op should have put her clothes away before her shower and also let him keep her awake with his reading till gone midnight. Honestly, he seems very selective in what he is and isn't bothered by, if he was so bothered about things being tidy he wouldn't be chucking his own shit on the floor, and to keep someone awake in their own bed past midnight isn't on. He can read elsewhere, the bed is for sleeping! Yes some people can sleep with a light on but op can't and that's what matters. He's just not giving a shit really

He sounds an utter cunt, don’t make excuses for him with RSD ffs
Divorce him, why waste your one life with someone who doesn’t even like you.