AIBU to think my seven-year-old granddaughter’s schedule is too full?

[Franciey]

Afternoon all, generally speaking as a grandmother I have maintained an approach of never commenting on how my children parent, I’ve always known if I thought it were actually abusive or dangerous I would speak up but In 14 years of being a grandmother that has never happened.

One of my daughters has one child, a lovely 7 year old girl, they don’t live in the uk.
My granddaughter will be 8 in August before school goes back in mid-September here.
We are over visiting for a few weeks and my daughter has been proudly taking me to collect all the things her daughter will need for the next school year.
In conversation I’ve realised, my granddaughter rarely has time to just play.

For example from September her schedule will include, a pre-vocational school for one of her hobbies that is 2 hours (6pm-8pm) 3 nights a week and 2 hours on a Saturday. Tennis lessons (apparently must be private due to scheduling, on the other two nights from 7-8pm). School here finishes at 4pm after which her nanny/governess is expected to have her home, get her a snack, do school homework and English lessons before taking her to the other activities. Dinner doesn’t seem to be until 8.30 most nights if not later, and in the morning she is expected to fit in piano practice before school!
This seems completely stifling and far too much for a small child, would I be unreasonable to mention to my daughter that maybe something like tennis or piano don’t have to happen unless granddaughter really wants to? When will we ever just have time to play? Or relax? Or be bored?

I think it’s too much. Unpopular opinion but I suggest a light, uncritical conversation with your daughter about this routine and its perceived positives. Do you think your daughter is driven and aspirational, and this impacts her daughter negatively? I find this talk of “elite schools” at 11 for a little girl who’s still only 7 both cringey and intense. I have daughters, they do lots of sports, but they also have time to just hang out in the school week.

Have you considered that the British have only relatively recently allowed children to have a childhood and 'play'. It's not the only acceptable way. Playing the piano and having a hobby is fine. I do however, think it's weird the parents ignored the science around letting children be bored sometimes. I wouldn't raise the issue directly, but maybe one day you 'happened upon' an interesting article about the benefits of boredom to creative thinking and decided to share it with them to be helpful(!)

What is this obsession with “being bored”? It seems to have become de rigeur for parents at the moment.

Its all based on notions of recreating an ersatz organic childhood based on den building and stream damming but the reality is “bored” children these days will revert to screens.

Far better to be playing tennis than spending your life on Minecraft.

Most of the time when people bang on about “being bored” I think they just feel inadequate about not supporting their kids in doing interesting stuff. Im

I am still waiting to see the masterpieces created during the lockdown when boredom was all the kids had.

I feel a parents will (majority of the time) read their child the best they will recognise if it's too much.

My kids get up at 7 and have activities straight through until 8pm. They are only a year older. But we work hard play hard, holidays are proper holidays and Sundays are always a day of rest. Our parents said similar, to be honest I just thought they were out if order, interfering, and clearly didn't know the kids well. If it was too much their grades would start dropping and they wouldnt be happy. But they are thriving and giving themselves a head start in life and learning to be disciplined.

I get everyone is different. But I would tred careful before you cause unnecessary upset.

@Thepeopleversuswork
Well, their parents could put THEIR screens down, get off their arses & go pick blackberries with the kids, play poo sticks if there's a stream nearby etc.. yes they might seem old fashioned but kids absolutely love things like that.
One of my favourite 'toys' when I was little was a huge cardboard box. It was a spaceship, train, tractor etc for me & my sister!

Kids might 'revert to screens' if parents let them.. this is why you have to step up & BE a parent!

My DC dances. She does 2-3 hours every night. Sometimes more if a competition is coming up with her team. And she then has at least 1 private lessons for her solo, duet and trio, competition dances per week. She absolutely lives and breathes her sport. Playing doesn't matter to her. Homework doesn't matter to her ( which her school agrees with as she's bright and is top groups for all subjects). If I suggested cutting down on dance she'd be distraught!

Are you sure this is parent led and not DG led?

But it defeats the whole premise of “being bored” if a parent is taking the child out to pick blackberries!

If the objective is to make the child so “bored” that their imagination fires into life then having the parents organise all this Enid Blyton era activity for them is the opposite of that. They’re not “being bored” at all, they’re having their childhood organised for them.

I don’t disagree by the way that children love things like this but its not “being bored”.

”Being bored” being good for children is a fairytale parents tell themselves when they can’t be arsed.

Maybe she’s happy doing this? I wouldn’t mention anything, some children are genuinely happier with lots of hobbies.

It does make me feel a little sad reading your post. It’s different if your grand daughter wants to do all that, but it sounds like it’s a schedule imposed on her rather than one she asked for.

I have a similar aged daughter who does no after school activities apart from after school club. She does a lot of arts and crafts in her spare time, coming up with all sorts of projects involving cardboard, paint, glue, clay, beads, glitter…. It’s messy and a lot of work for me as I’m constantly being asked for things but it’s great to see how creative she is. Kids can be left to themselves and not always default to screens.

If she is going to an international school or school with children who have very wealthy parents - her not doing these things could lead to bullying or being left out of social things with her peers in the future.

Her having a busy schedule and learning Piano and Tennis isn't going to harm her.

If she is playing with stuffed animals and practising her ballet - then she does have time to play.

I don't think you should say anything to the parents.

The Victoria and Albert Museum did an exhibit on all the kids artwork from lock down. Actually quite amazing. I don't know if any of them will be the next Picaso but I'm sure the parents hope.

Don't say anything, not if you're not asked.

That's a lot of things, but what jumps out to me is it takes away so many hours during the time of day when they could be spending quality family time together. I'd just make sure that the time YOU spend with her is full of proper flexible and responsive kids stuff and/or human connection. I.e. don't put Wimbledon on unless it's like a proper bonding experience and you're getting excited together about it.

She does two hours of sport and 8 hours of hobbies. Hobbies are fun. They might not be your idea of play, but if the likes them then she's happy. She has a whole Sunday to be bored.

@Franciey Show her this:

https://www.snhhealth.org/about-us/about-snhh/news-and-articles/overbooked-kids-overscheduled-crisis

I think it'll work itself out, and wouldn't say anything. If it starts to get too intense or difficult, presumably they'll make a change. It is an intense schedule, I agree, but some kids are fine with this.

Honestly, some of the best “bonding” time I’ve had with my kids is in the car on the way to training or somewhere.

enclosed space, pretty much forced to talk to you 🤣

it’s also been some of our more interesting discussions- you’d be suprised when eye contact is taken away how much easier it is for kids to open up.

at home being “bored” usually translates to screens or me finding housework and crap to do so not interacting at all.

It’s not your place to say anything unless your GD has confided in you and asked for help. If she is really that good at ballet then her ballet school will tell them to stop tennis soon enough for fear of injury.

my MIL believed my kids were over scheduled because she did nothing with DH and his siblings yet couldn’t understand why DH (who is very musical but never has had formal lessons or support at home) didn’t end up as a professional musician like our DD. If your GD is happy stay out of it.

I’d say something. It all depends on your relationship with your daughter though.

My just turned 8 yr old does 2 sports totalling 6 sessions a week. School finishes at 4.30 and she is often not home from sports till 7/8pm. It is a lot but i dont think that 8 yr olds should only do 1 sport. That said she has all day Sunday when we stay home and often sat afternoon free time and sports also stops over the school holidays.

That does sound intense and I agree children need time to play, it would not be my choice, but I think it is importantly she has formal interests other than ballet. She sounds very dedicated, but if at 11 she did not get in where she wants or sustained an over use injury, at least she has other piano and tennis?

I’ve never understood why the upper middle classes are so obsessed with tennis. I’ve worked for them most of my working life and all of the children had private tennis lessons, as did all of their school friends . They also went to week long tennis camps every summer. As far as I could tell, most of them didn’t even like it that much, but didn’t really get a say because it was the done thing. They all gave it up in their teens as soon as they could.

That's legit, though for me I'm not a chatty driver unless there's a long straight bit of road! I need to go for a walk to get some good old low eye contact time 😂.

I'll add I wasn't advocating for or against boredom, though. I was more thinking of the apparent lack of relaxed family time during the week. I could have inferred wrong 🤷‍♀️

With full time hours those few hours at the end of the day feel so precious, I would feel robbed if my kid was that active at the end of every weekday! She's only reception though, so I may feel differently in a couple of years...

Does this child ever see and spend time with her parents? Or is she being raised by a nanny, activity leaders and school?

My Grandaughter is exactly the same age as yours, 8 in August. Her schedule is Monday, football, Tuesday is dance class and then on to hockey, Wednesday dance class, Thursday a different dance class, acro and then tap, Friday dance class. Saturday dance class and then swimming in the afternoon and Sunday she has football festivals every two weeks. She is in the advanced classes for dancing and some of the classes are extra coaching. She is now also registered for dance competitions so they will start soon on a weekend. She actually has swimming twice a week but I can’t remember when the other class is. I have also said it’s too much but she loves it.