AIBU to think my seven-year-old granddaughter’s schedule is too full?

[Franciey]

Afternoon all, generally speaking as a grandmother I have maintained an approach of never commenting on how my children parent, I’ve always known if I thought it were actually abusive or dangerous I would speak up but In 14 years of being a grandmother that has never happened.

One of my daughters has one child, a lovely 7 year old girl, they don’t live in the uk.
My granddaughter will be 8 in August before school goes back in mid-September here.
We are over visiting for a few weeks and my daughter has been proudly taking me to collect all the things her daughter will need for the next school year.
In conversation I’ve realised, my granddaughter rarely has time to just play.

For example from September her schedule will include, a pre-vocational school for one of her hobbies that is 2 hours (6pm-8pm) 3 nights a week and 2 hours on a Saturday. Tennis lessons (apparently must be private due to scheduling, on the other two nights from 7-8pm). School here finishes at 4pm after which her nanny/governess is expected to have her home, get her a snack, do school homework and English lessons before taking her to the other activities. Dinner doesn’t seem to be until 8.30 most nights if not later, and in the morning she is expected to fit in piano practice before school!
This seems completely stifling and far too much for a small child, would I be unreasonable to mention to my daughter that maybe something like tennis or piano don’t have to happen unless granddaughter really wants to? When will we ever just have time to play? Or relax? Or be bored?

I wouldn't.

If I were you I wouldn’t mention anything - they’ll start tapering off as she gets older and has more of a say about what she enjoys and I think would be perceived as criticism. They obviously think it’s fine so why would you saying anything make a difference? They can see how much she does. It is the way for many children now.

I'm assuming this is somewhere like Hong Kong / Tokyo / Seoul and an International type school?

Sounds pretty normal for that kind of education at that age in many parts of the world. Just a different experience from a UK state school system.

No this is in Europe, from what I know it’s not the norm but clearly some children must be doing it. I understand the pre-vocational school, the process of getting in is highly selective and my granddaughter is clearly very excited about it, but it seems tennis and piano are just being maintained because they are what all the other children she goes to school with do and to make her “well rounded”, when I asked my granddaughter if she liked tennis (I put Wimbledon on the TV) she replied “it’s fine I guess”, so I don’t get the feeling she’s particularly excited about 2 hours worth of private lessons!

I think most of your concerns are valid but whether it’s a good idea to say anything is a completely different matter.

What is it like culturally where they live - is this kind of full-on schedule the norm?

Whether you should raise it with your daughter depends on the relationship you have and whether she’s liable to view it as criticism/interfering. I think this would be hard to raise unless the subject comes up naturally. If she feels as if you’re criticising you may find no future invites to stay are offered, and that would be a shame.

If it were abusive or neglectful then of course you’d speak up but as it’s neither and just a different parenting style, you’re probably better not saying anything.

Two hours three nights a week is quite a lot but presumably she enjoys that and had to apply/ve selected for it.

i don’t think a bit of piano practice each morning is too much.

I think that’s way too much structured activity for any child let alone one that young. I understand why you would want to say something - just try to frame it from a place of concern or curiosity eg have they considered it might be nice for her to have downtime, rather than telling them what to do/judging.

Mine was probably similar at that age and it was honestly fine. There was still unstructured time but as I grew up I filled more time with structured things.

I am lucky I did because had a bad accident recently and the only reason they will do quite a rare surgery for my age is because of the massive amount of sports I did when younger...

The downside is this accident has left me unable to do sports and I am a bit driving everyone absolutely crazy 🤣

Honestly I had a similar full timetable as a kid and loved it. I was always asking to do more.

my kids started off with a couple of activities a week. Then as they got better they were invited to practice more, so by about 7 is was one dance class, 2 gymnastics, 2 swim, and a Saturday am social activity.

gradually it evolved so they had to make a choice, focus on one at a higher level, or keep doing all at a fun level but keep to one class a week of each. One chose fun, one chose focus.

they are both adults now. One is competing nationally, the other has found a fun sport/hobby which is also very social and spends a lot of time on that. Neither have any regrets.

i remember someone judging me for my 6 year old doing dance and swim classes. Said I was pushy, and should wait until the child asks to do it. But if they don’t try things, how will they know if they enjoy it?

Personally I think that’s too much for a 7yo, but you don’t know what the day-to-day is like, week in and week out, you don’t know what the competitive field for school admissions is like, maybe the child needs structure and discipline, maybe the parents do, etc etc etc. There could be any number of reasons why this might be a good idea.

Whether or not you say something depends on your relationship with your DD and whether you’re able to pull off a breezy “gosh, you all seem to live a very busy and disciplined life, is this what you would have wished for when you were 7?” and taking whatever response you get on the chin. Ultimately, it’s none of your business and you can’t change anything anyway, but I think it’s fair to sense-test at times as long as there’s no hint of criticism or you think your DD will find a way to feel criticised.

What would you hope to achieve by saying something?

I think it'd be an error.

I am wondering if her main hobby is dance? In which case she is probably crazy about it and loving it. For now at least.

I am more of a “cast the net wide” type of parent - my dc enjoyed all sorts of things and over the years tried lots of things including tae kwondo, violin, drama, kayaking, Army cadets, diving … both my kids are high energy.

Dc1 has calmed right down and now only does martial arts but reads about five books a week (something I guess she didn’t have time for as a kid!)

Dc2 is crazy keen on cycling - he cycles most days of the week unless it’s snowing or thundering.

I think if a child has a passion you have to keep feeding it.

You’re not being unreasonable that it’s too much, but you need to keep out of it. Your daughter won’t thank you for it.

Yes the main hobby is Ballet, and I don’t doubt that my granddaughter loves the ballet part, I think they are aiming for some of the prestigious ballet schools at 11.
She seems to genuinely adore this (her idea of play time from what I can tell is practicing ballet or lining up all her stuffed animals and dolls to do a ballet show for them!)

On the other hand I don’t think she is remotely interested in tennis!

The tennis may well be a distraction from the dance though.

I’d argue that allowing an intense focus solely on one activity at age 7 is less healthy than a couple of extra sessions playing tennis.

shows her that there’s more out there than dance, gives her a different work out so builds strength and fitness but will decrease the chance of overuse injuries in comparison to simply adding more dance training.

most intense sports and activities are now aware that a broader range is better than hyper focus. Even music- I had a friend who was a fantastic singer- when she got a place at music school they made her pause her singing and learn piano and violin- increasing her musicality while refusing strain on her voice.

if she’s aiming for an intense dance programme it sounds like the other activities are for balance rather than increasing the load…

Don't try to impose your cultural norm for kids on kids living and being raised in a different culture. It won't end well.

It depends on the child. I was listening to one of DD's mothers tell me all about her hobbies, it sounded crazy to me and wouldn't suit DD at all, but apparently her friend has chosen all of it and is thriving.

It does sound like a lot for a 7 year old but if I were you, I'd keep quiet. It's how they choose to parent and it's not as if they're being neglectful or cruel. If it proves too much and their daughter seems worn out or reluctant, they will probably scale it back. Either way, I highly doubt they'd appreciate comments from you!

I know it is different on the continent but the lessons all sound very late. My 8.5yo would be knackered. In fact all of mine, including a night owl teenager, would struggle with that level of activity at those times.

Assuming the child has enough sleep / rest and seems happy enough then I'd not say anything at this point. It depends on your relationship with your DD though? By all means mention it if you think it isn't going to cause offence.

It doesn’t surprise me this is somewhere in Europe. My DD went to a london prep and the Italians and Greek mums were the most pushy and chilled I have ever encountered. Really surprised me

but fgs, don’t say anything!!

You can think the schedule might be too full but it’s up to her parents how they run their lives. When you visit go along and see if your DG is happy. You might be concerned unnecessarily

Thinking of Italian mums I know...all my cousins kids do lots of extra curriculars (as do mine!)
Same for my friend in Spain.

I personally think it’s too much but I wouldn’t say anything. On the subject of ballet, my DD is a professional ballet dancer and hadn’t even started dance lessons at seven, so I think that’s too early for such intensive lessons.

I wouldn’t say it’s too much hit it’s a bit late in the day. My kid is a little younger and does a lot but I try to be done with everything by 6:30 during the week. School ends 3:15 most days and 2 one day. After that is activities/ extracurriculars. And some on weekends. He wants to do them and if occasionally needs to skip some to have a break, I’m fine with that.

Whilst agreeing that it seems way too much, I would not say anything.

It will only cause resentment from your DD and you will be seen as interfering. At the end of the day you raise your children as you see fit, and you allow them the courtesy of doing the same.