AIBU to ask family to stop prioritising my brother's ex best friend?

[SILhatesHer]

DB has had the same female best friend since he was 15. He’s 40 now. When he got married at 35 quite abruptly distanced himself from her.

This was awkward as we all know her and love her and she is at majority of family events/ celebrations etc.

It’s really clear that SIL detests her. She said she is really hurt by this that she feels she’s lost her best friend and doesn’t understand why etc etc . All of my family are saying how awful it is and really backing her up. To the point she is now taking about coercive control and worrying that DB is somehow being abused by SIL. Even talk of doing a Clare’s law on SIL or making a report of coercive control ?

DB and SIL don’t attend any events if she will be there. I’ve stopped inviting her to anything we host so that DB and SIL can come as they have dc and I think family comes first. This has now caused tension between me and other family members and the friend. It’s not ideal as I also got along well with her and have known her since I was 13.

I’ve spoken to DB and he says there’s no issue they just grew apart, have different values now and had opposing views on what the friendship was going forward, he said he found her too intense and that she upset SIL. SIL will only say she just doesn’t like or understand her and doesn’t want her as part of their lives.

DB has an ex wife and dc - SIL gets on extremely well with her. There’s regular contact with his dc and they get on well so this is not it seems in SIL nature to be jealous or overreact. I think there is a bigger issue with the friend that we don’t know about.

AIBU to ask other family to back off a little too and not keep inviting her to so many things and for DM to stop seeing her socially as it feel wrong and it’s pushing DB out ?

AIBU to ask other family to back off a little too and not keep inviting her to so many things and for DM to stop seeing her socially as it feel wrong and it’s pushing DB out ?

I think you need to keep your nose out of who your other family members invite to things.

DB is pushing himself out if he doesn't want to turn up because his virtually life-long friend has been invited.

You can obviously invite who you want, just as they can.

My concern is that it’s also pushing out children who should be seeing family - that to me is more important than protecting the feelings of an adult who no longer has the connection to DB

I think that's really odd that they're choosing a friend over their own son!

I agree with you. Next time it comes up, just ask the question: “Are you seriously choosing ex-friend over DB? You know that seeing ex friend is putting your relationship with DB at risk?” .

What @INX said. Not your call who other people invite. You think ‘family comes first’. Other people may feel personal liking and long friendship come before that. I also would be stating quite firmly that I wasn’t getting involved in speculation about the reason your DB dropped her on marriage, coercive control etc.

She sounds like she needs to get a life of her own. I feel sorry for your SIL.

So what, though?

Do what you think is right if you're hosting but I think its not really any of your business who other family members invite tbh. I wouldn't take kindly to being told not to invite someone to events I wanted them at because of drama being caused by other people.

It seems a bit odd to prioritise a friend but I'm guessing she was close to the rest your family in her own right for this to be happening.

It does sound like something happened, maybe other people know more than you and think your brother is majorly in the wrong? I can see how that would lead to the situation they're currently in.

It's your brother's decision to have his children pushed out, if he's refusing to accept family invitations because his best friend who his family love, has been invited.

If he can't be grown up enough to just nod at her during an event they've both been invited to, his kids will eventually realise this when they're old enough.

If SiL gets on with the ex wife that strongly indicates the problem is with the ex-friend not SiL.
I think you are right to back your brother and respect his choices. If this was my family I'd be telling why I was doing this and let them make their own decisions.

Exactly. He’s the one isolating his family. If this woman has been around for 25 years, she has her own independent relationships with family members.

It's quite possible they're prioritising the friend, because they think the SIL is actually controlling.

If this was posted by a wife who's dh had put in place good boundaries around what sounds like a relationship that has got a bit toxic/inappropriate, everyone would be telling her what a great dh she has for not going to events where said person would be.

Not right that she is being invited to things at the expense of your DB & DSIL. If your family want to have a relationship with her that’s fine but they need to arrange to see her separately

She's a family friend. Not your brother's ex friend. They can invite who they like. If him and his Mrs want to avoid her that's their business.

But it's hardly like the fact they're remaining friends with her is actually preventing any family relations. It's your brother who's choosing to boycott events where she is present.

You are correct @SILhatesHer . The friend sounds crazy and her behaviour is worrying. Doing a Clare's law on your sister in law and talking about coercive control? Jesus wept! Who does she think she is and what gives her the right?
You are doing the right thing. Supporting your brother, his wife and children. How can your parents, siblings etc justify putting someone who is not a family member before their son/brother, grandchildren/nieces/nephews.
His ex and their children are accepting yet his own family don't.

The friend sounds crazy and her behaviour is worrying. Doing a Clare's law on your sister in law and talking about coercive control? Jesus wept! Who does she think she is and what gives her the right?

Well according to the OP, all the family are backing her up.

So there could well be more to this than even the OP knows.

You can mention it to your parents that they'll see less and less of their son and grandchildren if they keep inviting the ex best friend. You can't force them to not invite her though, so eventually it's their choice who they want to see more. Just keep inviting DB/SIL to your own events and if anyone comments about the ex, tell them what you've said here - family is more important to you.

I think there’s probably a difference for your be SIL between an ex partner with shared children and a best single(?) friend.

I can totally see why an opposite sex best friend would be more of an issue for a partner, her and your brother must have been very close if they’ve had such a long term friendship.

His former best friend is acting strangely, maybe she had feelings for him, or maybe she doesn’t understand why she has been dropped after so long and it’s easier to blame your brother’s partner rather than him. She is probably very hurt.

I do think your family’s actions are strange though. I would expect them to want their children and grandchildren at events.

Absolutely this. There have been so many threads in the past about pushy female friends crossing boundaries, or making the wife feel uncomfortable and posters telling OP to ensure the husband puts his wife first. Your brother has done just this and your family are punishing him for it. It’s his choice who he’s friends with and the wider family don’t know the ins and outs of what’s gone on between them or with SIL.

Yes your family are entitled to invite whoever they want to event they are hosting but it seems unnecessarily cruel to invite someone when you know doing so will prevent family members, including grandchildren from attending. Your mum can maintain a friendship with this woman if she wants to but she doesn’t need to be included in everything.

Could your brother be persuaded to attend events and just ignore her for the sake of his children’s wider family relationships? If not can he explain why he’s so averse to being in this woman’s presence? Friendships end, if there was no massive reason surely they can be civil. Ultimately it’s the children who are being penalised here for adults being unable to be mature about coexisting peacefully (unless there is some unknown completely understandable reason that you’re unaware of).

Do you think your brother is in a coercive relationship? The friends response is utterly bizarre if the only issue is that he doesn’t want to be friends with her anymore. I get she may be hurt but she sounds like she’s campaigning to get the family to turn against SIL.

In that case they need to be working doubly hard to keep BIL close, in case he needs to leave! If my sibling was in a controlling relationship I’d be hanging on to them for dear life!!

SiL might be controlling, or the friend might have a crush on DB or a sense of ownership or just poor boundaries, none of you have any idea. I think you're absolutely right to challenge family who are choosing to invite someone not in the family to events knowing that DB and SiL won't come as a result. It feels very pointed.

This isn't that important though. Or at least, it's not in your control, like the rest of it.

You can't control who your family invites to events. They're not "prioritising your brother's ex-best friend", they're inviting a woman they consider their friend of multiple decades' standing.

You can't control your brother's decision to keep him and his children away from events she'll be at.

You can't force any of these parties to compromise if they don't want to. Judging any of them as unreasonable will just make them dig their heels in more. They obviously don't see the situation in the same way you do and you can't control this.

In you post you said your brother told you:
"They had opposing views on what the friendship was going forward, he said he found her too intense and that she upset SIL."

Did the friend indicate she had strong romantic feelings / tell your brother not to get married or similar? That's my immediate assumption and I'm surprised your family haven't come to the same conclusion.

You should definitely carry on inviting your DB and his family over her, but talk to your DB again about his "too intense" comment and what she did to upset his wife. If the friend tried to do something bad to scupper their marriage, then the rest of the family should be told. It's so wrong they are putting this woman above their grandchildren/nieces and nephews.