AIBU to ask family to stop prioritising my brother's ex best friend?

[SILhatesHer]

DB has had the same female best friend since he was 15. He’s 40 now. When he got married at 35 quite abruptly distanced himself from her.

This was awkward as we all know her and love her and she is at majority of family events/ celebrations etc.

It’s really clear that SIL detests her. She said she is really hurt by this that she feels she’s lost her best friend and doesn’t understand why etc etc . All of my family are saying how awful it is and really backing her up. To the point she is now taking about coercive control and worrying that DB is somehow being abused by SIL. Even talk of doing a Clare’s law on SIL or making a report of coercive control ?

DB and SIL don’t attend any events if she will be there. I’ve stopped inviting her to anything we host so that DB and SIL can come as they have dc and I think family comes first. This has now caused tension between me and other family members and the friend. It’s not ideal as I also got along well with her and have known her since I was 13.

I’ve spoken to DB and he says there’s no issue they just grew apart, have different values now and had opposing views on what the friendship was going forward, he said he found her too intense and that she upset SIL. SIL will only say she just doesn’t like or understand her and doesn’t want her as part of their lives.

DB has an ex wife and dc - SIL gets on extremely well with her. There’s regular contact with his dc and they get on well so this is not it seems in SIL nature to be jealous or overreact. I think there is a bigger issue with the friend that we don’t know about.

AIBU to ask other family to back off a little too and not keep inviting her to so many things and for DM to stop seeing her socially as it feel wrong and it’s pushing DB out ?

Insane. Your/your husband’s decision to end a friendship has absolutely no bearing on whether other family members are also friends with the person.

It most certainly is if it is the main cause of disruption within a family unit. I would never consider putting my sons EX! friend before my son & DIL or my sons former wife if there were no children involved. If it caused my family unhappiness that would be enough for me to back off. If you don't agree then that's your mindset & opinion. It wouldn't be everyone's idea & they are just as entitled to prioritise the general feeling within immediate family.

This seems contradictory. You say OP’s brother and SIL have no right to object to this woman being invited - yet when they vote with their feet and don’t attend the events, “a conversation needs to be had” about the children not being there.

Why do OP’s parents get to decide who they invite and tough luck for anyone who objects, but OP’s brother and SIL don’t get a choice about attending? Which is it - are people free to make their own decisions without family interference or not?

I think you don’t get to withhold your children from familial relationships without good reason. It’s cruel to both the children and the wider family.
If there’s a reason, fine; say what it is and give an opportunity for it to be resolved.
If there isn’t, it’s a problem that needs to be sorted out.

But there is a good reason. The ex friend has cuckoo'd her way into the family and is accusing OP's bro's wife of being abusive and wanting to contact the police and do a Clare's Law on the wife.

The ex friend is dangerous and the more people who go no contact with her and don't play her toxic games, the better. No relationship with the parents, no relationship with the kids.

The brother and SIL clearly think they do have a good reason - it's just one Op unware of and rest of family doesn't seem to want to consider.

The op even says:
I think there is a bigger issue with the friend that we don’t know about.

Why brother and SIl haven't told rest of the family is odd but perhaps there a pattern of rest of family being flying monkeys and their concerns being dismissed.

OP doesn't seem to think SIL is one to over react - and gets on with the actualy ex - all points to this "friend" having done something -

She said she is really hurt by this that she feels she’s lost her best friend and doesn’t understand why etc etc . All of my family are saying how awful it is and really backing her up. To the point she is now taking about coercive control and worrying that DB is somehow being abused by SIL. Even talk of doing a Clare’s law on SIL or making a report of coercive control ?

That's not a normal reaction from friend.

Something strange is going on if DB's former friend is being invited to family events even though the hosts know that her being there means that DB and his children won't attend. Why are they doing that? Do they hate SIL and want to exclude her at any cost?
You are doing the right thing by inviting DB instead of her to family meetups. You don't know why his wife dislikes/distrusts/fears his former friend, she may have her reasons; you don't need to take sides, just to recognise that it's a possibility, and it sounds as if DB is also uncomfortable with her these days as he finds her too intense.
Family members who want to continue seeing her, including you, can do it at times when it isn't natural to invite DB.

I guess it’s fair enough to
maintain a friendship with ex friend, but at family events, surely their son should take priority? To put it bluntly, she’s not family. Did they hope (or assume) your brother would marry her (still hoping?). Maybe that’s want she wanted as well and that’s why the friendship broke down.

It sounds ex friend could be the one with coercive control and maybe your brother has broken free.

Continue what you are doing by supporting your brother and sil. You’re doing the right thing.

The responses to this thread surprise me.

It's not even as if SIL has taken a random dislike to friend - friend has done a Claire's Law on her and accused her of abuse - assuming she is innocent of this, it's human nature for SIL to feel hurt and insulted by this. And quite rightly DB is supporting his wife - sounds like he is behaving like a good husband - fair play to him.

If this was my brother, however much I liked friend, I would prioritise inviting DB to large family events. If I still wanted to be friends with friend (and that's questionable after the way she has treated SIL) I would see her separately.

OP, you can't control your family's actions but you have the right to politely express your opinions on what they are doing. I imagine DB and SIL would appreciate your support.

Out of interest (sorry if I missed this) what is Ex SIL's view of friend? As she is wellplaced to have an insight into how friend behaves towards DB and his relationships.....

What an awkward situation for you op. Fwiw, I totally agree with you. Your family shouldn't prioritise your family friend over your brother and SIL. They are causing a rift in your family by prioritising her.

You should definitely keep inviting your brother. I wouldn't bother addressing whatever has happened between him and his ex BF, you'll never get to the bottom of it. I would make SIL feel especially welcome. Keep the kids in close contact.

Might you point out to your mum your feelings. How there needs to be some balance perhaps?

Good luck

I agree. But it needs to be flushed out.
The silence is not appropriate given the established relationships being upended.

OP’s brother and SIL are the parents. They get to decide where their child does and doesn’t go.

It comes down to choice on both sides - and both sides have to deal with the consequences. OO’s parents have decided they want this woman there no matter what: their choice. But they can’t then complain if their son makes HIS choice not to come.

Seriously - you’re saying people shouldn’t be able to rely on their own parents?

OP’s parents have two choices here. Either they accept their son’s wishes and he attends, or they decide the family friend and their right to invite her is more important - in which case, they accept the son and his family don’t come. There is no magic option 3 where they get what they want.

Fine. But then they don’t get to complain that their son and his family don’t come.