AIBU to ask family to stop prioritising my brother's ex best friend?

[SILhatesHer]

DB has had the same female best friend since he was 15. He’s 40 now. When he got married at 35 quite abruptly distanced himself from her.

This was awkward as we all know her and love her and she is at majority of family events/ celebrations etc.

It’s really clear that SIL detests her. She said she is really hurt by this that she feels she’s lost her best friend and doesn’t understand why etc etc . All of my family are saying how awful it is and really backing her up. To the point she is now taking about coercive control and worrying that DB is somehow being abused by SIL. Even talk of doing a Clare’s law on SIL or making a report of coercive control ?

DB and SIL don’t attend any events if she will be there. I’ve stopped inviting her to anything we host so that DB and SIL can come as they have dc and I think family comes first. This has now caused tension between me and other family members and the friend. It’s not ideal as I also got along well with her and have known her since I was 13.

I’ve spoken to DB and he says there’s no issue they just grew apart, have different values now and had opposing views on what the friendship was going forward, he said he found her too intense and that she upset SIL. SIL will only say she just doesn’t like or understand her and doesn’t want her as part of their lives.

DB has an ex wife and dc - SIL gets on extremely well with her. There’s regular contact with his dc and they get on well so this is not it seems in SIL nature to be jealous or overreact. I think there is a bigger issue with the friend that we don’t know about.

AIBU to ask other family to back off a little too and not keep inviting her to so many things and for DM to stop seeing her socially as it feel wrong and it’s pushing DB out ?

That was my assumption too - maybe the friend was hoping for a romantic relationship after your DB split up with his previous wife, but DB did not, and this has changed the friendship. As a previous poster has said, the fact that your SIL gets on with the ex-wife suggests the friend is the problem, not SIL. I think your family are being unfair here.

Did his ex wife get on with this friend. Do you think your family see her as his endgame and this has ruined their plans. Are they close to her family

It's not the family that are making a decision to keep your DB and SIL from going to events. It's their choice.

Given they are all adults, unless there is something more to the story than you have explained here, they should be able to be civil enough to one another over the course of an evening.

If your DB chooses not to attend, that's on him.

Sorry, the friend can’t understand why their relationship has changed when DB has gotten married to a woman? Really? It’s called marital boundaries…and a lot of the family seem to lack an understanding of boundaries.

i think it’s insane they’re choosing a friend over your brother.

This is a strange situation @SILhatesHer

The friend should not be the priority. Seems weird that the family would do this. They could easily catch up with her separately without having to invite her to everything and push your DB/SIL out.

I think you're right to raise this as an issue with your family. Ignore anyone who says to keep your nose out. I think you're being a good sister and SIL to support them

I reckon your SIP is spot on with what's bothering her, especially if she has a good relationship with his ex. In your brother's shoes I'd be really hurt that family weren't supporting my marriage.

How did the ex wife feel about this friend? Maybe DB has learned from his mistakes?

From what you’ve said I would assume that something has happened that the family don’t know about.

I agree with you. The family should support your DB.

Sounds to me like the friend is trying to turn the family against the SIL, that’s a strike against her, surely any decent person would step back from family events and avoid your brother becoming estranged from his family.

But if the friend has in fact done something terrible, it’s the brother’s responsibility to communicate this. The OP has asked him. He says they just grew apart and his wife doesn’t like her. That’s no reason for sunk e else to drop an old family friend.

Can't imagine having the gall to create these issues as ex BF is doing. Us she not embarrassed?

There is clearly a lot more to it than the DB is sharing. He should not be forced into sharing details that he or his wife may be uncomfortable with.

The fact he and his wife are having to actively avoid social situations she's at shows the level of discomfort they feel. That should really be enough to signal to the family that it is a situation to be taken seriously and managed not exacerbated by a taking sides approach.

If the sexes were reversed and this was a male friend and a sister, I think people would view the situation quite differently and be more willing to give the family member support without necessarily having to know all the ins and outs.

No one is saying they can't continue to see this friend, but to prioritise the brother/SIL if it's a significant family get together. That is not at all unreasonable.

The friend sounds a bit needy. He’s been married 5 years. She needs to accept the situation. Your family need to understand the importance of keeping brother and sil close. The sil sounds quite sensible and is fine with the ex wife.
Has she not got family
of her own. Her behaviour shouldn’t be encouraged.

The friend sounds toxic. Very odd that the family are so completely enamoured with her at the expense of their own son and grandchildren.

The ex friend sounds terrifying

Your parents risk losing a relationship with your db if they persist in getting the ex friend to come over. What are they thinking?!

What kind of friend enmeshed herself with her best friend's family to the point that she's pushed him and his wife out of being at family gatherings?

That's not a good friend. A good friend would recognize that he and his wife being around his family should take priority over her.

She's enmeshed herself in the middle of his family like a cuckoo and those accusations of wife being abusive are coming from somewhere. I would bet the ex friend is jealous and toxic. She's started a vicious family feud over your brother marrying and split your family. That's no friend.

You're doing well to support your bro. I don't know if you can stop ex friend and the family that are part of that web from keeping on trying to undermine your brother's marriage but it's worth a try.

The advice I would give him would be go no contact with those that support her. They are actively working to take this feud to the next level by involving police and spreading awful rumours. If I was him I'd move and only keep contact with supportive family if they agreed not to let the ex friend and her supporters have any info about them down to their address.

Well, it’s the brother who is not attending the gatherings. Surely it’s just as logical to see him as losing a relationship with his parents and other family members?

His relationship with his parents should not be dependent on accepting someone who makes him and his wife feel deeply uncomfortable. Especially someone who is not even a family member.

There is no need for them to be at the same gatherings all the time. This situation can be easily managed if a little thought is applied rather than people digging their heels in. It's not that difficult to make this workable, just needs a little common sense.

But his expectations - that his family don't include someone who makes him and his wife uncomfortable at gatherings - are reasonable. The family's expectations that he and his wife spend time with someone who makes them uncomfortable are the unreasonable expectations.

No it’s not. He’s entitled to maintain his own and his wife’s privacy.

It’s possible that he’s trying to be kind and not to ruin the friend’s reputation or embarrass her in front of his family.

Regardless “we are no longer friends” is quite enough information.

They were FWB!!

I’m not sure why she’s accepting invites, particularly as her connection to the family, your DB, isn’t turning up. Does she not have much family of her own?

I do think you are right to stop inviting her. She’s not part of your family, she’s not your brothers friend anymore, she’s not really your friend (in that you don’t see her 1-2-1) so why would you invite her? to your family complaining just say “she’s neither my family nor my friend. If she’s your friend and you want to invite her to your events, do that. It’s odd to invite her and not brothers ex-wife who was family.”

My betting is that brother has always had a thing for friend but she’s made it clear they’re just very good friends so he’s tried to move on. This hasn’t worked and marriage has failed and friend still wasn’t interested like that so he’s tried moving on again and has tried to distance himself from friend to try and make it work this time. Sil can probably also sense this which is why she doesn’t like friend.
Friend has no idea what she’s done so to her it’s the sils jealousy that looks like a problem and explains why db won’t say she’s done anything wrong, because she hasn’t.

"Different views about the friendship going forward"... "too intense". She declared feelings as soon as he found someone and started being manipulative when rejected.
What, did his ex wife think of her?

I think it’s weird that she’s still being invited by your family when they know how your brother and SIL feel. But realistically, what do you think you will achieve by saying something? Your brother and SIL - the people this actually affects - have said something. They’ve done more than that; they’ve voted with their feet. If that hasn’t changed anything, why are your firm words going to be the silver bullet?

All you can do is keep on doing what you’ve been doing and prioritising your brother when you are hosting. Maybe invite them without the rest of your family sometimes too, so they can just enjoy themselves without the elephant in the room. Stick to the things you can control.