AIBU to ask family to stop prioritising my brother's ex best friend?

[SILhatesHer]

DB has had the same female best friend since he was 15. He’s 40 now. When he got married at 35 quite abruptly distanced himself from her.

This was awkward as we all know her and love her and she is at majority of family events/ celebrations etc.

It’s really clear that SIL detests her. She said she is really hurt by this that she feels she’s lost her best friend and doesn’t understand why etc etc . All of my family are saying how awful it is and really backing her up. To the point she is now taking about coercive control and worrying that DB is somehow being abused by SIL. Even talk of doing a Clare’s law on SIL or making a report of coercive control ?

DB and SIL don’t attend any events if she will be there. I’ve stopped inviting her to anything we host so that DB and SIL can come as they have dc and I think family comes first. This has now caused tension between me and other family members and the friend. It’s not ideal as I also got along well with her and have known her since I was 13.

I’ve spoken to DB and he says there’s no issue they just grew apart, have different values now and had opposing views on what the friendship was going forward, he said he found her too intense and that she upset SIL. SIL will only say she just doesn’t like or understand her and doesn’t want her as part of their lives.

DB has an ex wife and dc - SIL gets on extremely well with her. There’s regular contact with his dc and they get on well so this is not it seems in SIL nature to be jealous or overreact. I think there is a bigger issue with the friend that we don’t know about.

AIBU to ask other family to back off a little too and not keep inviting her to so many things and for DM to stop seeing her socially as it feel wrong and it’s pushing DB out ?

How did your brother's first wife get on with the friend?

Yeah I agree it’s odd they are prioritising her over their own son. If I had an ex friend I’d find it so odd if my family kept inviting hers to stuff.

Oh come on.

If a guy makes a move on you and you turn him down, the next logical step is not to attend all his family get togethers and slander his wife.

Think through what you have written, it makes no sense at all.

but then thats still down to DB to make the effort ?

and his new wife its like omg your not talking to her etc

Unfortunately sometimes family members lack moral courage and take the path of least resistance. Because they know the friend will be upset and it will be awkward, it’s easier to continue involving her in everything and treating your brother like an outsider.

I don't think you should meddle in whom your parents (and other siblings?) do or don't invite to their home.

I'd leave your parents and brother to resolve this between themselves.

I think people like to look for abuse in this but I see this a lot with men.

Female friends are as good for as long as they are single for the level of emotional support they don’t see in male friendships.

Once they get a female partner to replace that role, the female friend is ditched.

It’s sad and I have experienced this too. The friend is right to be upset. It’s debilitating to learn your friend never viewed your friendship the same way. I think your family are fair to decide for themselves they don’t wish to ditch her however as she has done nothing wrong.

Edit - ignore me. I missed your last paragraph somehow. It seems he was married before and the friendship continued so there is something else. You still cannot control who your family choose to be friends with. If your brother and his spouse avoid events as a result that’s on them.

He was married before and plenty of people don’t think marriage has to mean abandoning all friendships.

I can't really believe all the replies that are saying this is fine!!

@SILhatesHer of course your family should prioritise your DB over any family friend - jeez, how close can a non-family member be that they get invited to so much family stuff?!

Only you know the best approach to apply for your DM etc. but I'm completely in agreement that this has to change going forwards. If your DM or whoever misses this friend so much they can meet up separately with them but family time is just that - Family only.

As pp's have said I assume the friend wanted more than that from your DB and that's where the friendship, for him, ended.

Does anyone remember Lovely and Somerville (I think) - there was a "friend" there that was determined to hang onto Lovely (even though she was herself married) - I'm feeling the same vibes here.

Your brother needs to deal with this, if it needs dealing with.

That sounds like a strange situation. I'd possibly discuss my concerns with my family, but if your brother is bothered, surely he'll raise the issue himself. If you mother is inviting the old friend knowing that it's the reason her own son isn't attending events, that's just weird. She prioritises seeing the friend over her own child?

There's clearly some backstory you're not privy to. Could it be that your mother knows something you do not? Not being particularly good friends with someone isn't usually enough to prevent you from attending family gatherings because she'll be there.

This is going to be one of those weird situations where the family always imaged the friends being a couple a big happy family.

Where as dbro married one women and had children. Separated.

I bet friend then made the move to secure this family with him backed up by your parents and other family members.

Dbro wanted nothing to do with it. Not interested romantically. Meets new wife. Friend acts like a dog marking its territory. Dbro goes enough is enough friend.

friend runs off telling your family about control wife ruining everything wah wah woe is me 😭

Is most like the story. Hell friends probably kept pushing behind the scenes as well by the fact she so desperately wants to keep going to these events 5 years on and is getting her pitch fork out for a legal search and trying to claim a person who hasn’t been interested in 5 years is in a coercive marriage.

Keep doing what you are op. Don’t invite the friend maintain the relationship with bro and children.

What are these family gatherings? Summer bbq with all the neighbours? Grandma’s 90th? Christmas?
if it is family only then it is really weird that she keeps getting invited AND showing up even after DB has said that it makes him uncomfortable. Clearly something happened, and kudos to him for not keeping it private, and for putting his family first.

i would mention it to people… who is coming? Oh, why do you keep inviting X to family functions? You know that her and DB are no longer friends…
people can stay friends with her, and meet for a coffee, she doesn’t have to come to all family functions - not her family.

*keeping it private and not telling everyone all the gossip

Wow I can't believe that all the people are happy that another woman is wanting to force out the brothers wife, accusing her of controlling him.

So all of the women who replied would be happy to have your husband and his family invite someone who doesn't like you to family events... someone who isn't family.

Her connection to the family is that she was close friends with the brother. That is no longer the case and very clearly she has done something to upset him and he's too nice/embarrassed to say...and all of his family want her around.

It seems like there are some strange family dynamics. Most families have some "family only" events and it would be very odd for a family to continually be inviting an ex friend along, especially at the expense of their own child and grandchildren. I'd tell them what you think especially in regard to the ex friend dropping poison and manipulating the situation. You can't force the family to change but you can decide who you invite to your events and also which family events you attend.

I think the word coercive is used all too freely and frequently nowadays. Your SIL may be well within her right to ask her own husband not to maintain relationship with a woman from his past, even if that woman was a longstanding friend, if something inappropriate had happened. It doesn't sound like the rest of the family know the full story. I wouldn't think that would be controlling of her at all, she may well have her reasons and they may be totally valid.
I think it's strange your family are siding with the friend, and not with their own family member - I would trust my family member that they have good and valid reasons for avoiding this woman (who sounds like she's stirring up trouble, or at least trying to).
Having said all that, you can't tell people who to invite, but I do think the choice they're making is very strange. If I had to cut ties with a friend due to something to do with my DP, and then my family were quite happy to not see me or my kids just so they could continue seeing my former friend, I'd be devastated and feel very betrayed by the people who are meant to be the closest to me.

My general thoughts before I read this.

When circumstances change such as marriage, divorce etc then often the family & friends dynamic of those involved change too. The fact your brother has grown apart from this woman & is prioritising his wife is admirable. His former friend shoudn't be continuing to interfere with your family life when it's obvious your brother & his wife don't wish to continue the relationship. Your mother is wrong to keep it going. I wouldn't like it if my mil was still involved with a former friend of DH unless it was a former wife with children involved. There is basically no need for the relationship to continue especially when her DIL is being made to feel uncomfortable with the whole situation.

Even talk of doing a Clare’s law on SIL or making a report of coercive control ?

Because your DB no longer wants to be friends with her? Has your extended family no concern for how that accusation could affect his DC? They would rather put this woman and her feelings first over your brother, his wife but most importantly his children. Your brother is right to keep far,far away from all the family that are supporting this shit stirrer former friend.

This friend has clearly developed individual relationships with all your DB’s family members, having been around for so long. These are entirely separate from her now expunged relationship with your DB.
It is unreasonable of your DB and SiL to boycott gatherings with family that include the friend, and thereby insist on you all cutting your own relationships with her, unless they’ll tell you explicitly what the problem is i.e. the thing that you think you’re in the dark about.

If there is no BIG, hidden reason, and it’s just that your SIL doesn’t like her, a conversation needs to be had about withholding the children from family activities based on her own whim. This is unfair and controlling.

If there IS something else that has happened or is going on, then you all have a decision to make.

If the other family members are complaining they don't see your DB's children- point out that they are choosing that. And then butt out and carry on as you are.

You can invite who you want to things you host.

If people critise then frankly I would be blunt - inviting friend means causing issues with Sil and brother meaning children aren't getting to know family - and you are prioritising family not this friend.

However when others host - you can't really object.

If they moan SIL and brother and kids aren't coming again then you can say well you knew inviting friend meant they would not come - doesn't matter anyone else views on that that's their stance - as SIL gets on with brother ex you are assume there something admiss with friend conduct. Beyond that - you don't get to say is invited.

This. You can’t get involved too much OP. It’s clear to anyone with a pair of eyes something has gone on with this “friend” and if they are too stupid to see that then that’s on them. This “friend” is also throwing around a lot of serious and seemingly baseless accusations about SIL in the hope of winning over his family members. Shady AF.
Keep doing what you’re doing and seeing the situation for what it is. Ultimately family is family, and whether she intends it or not this “friend” is trying (successfully) to drive a wedge between DB and his family. THAT is the behavior in all this that smacks of control.

It’s none of your or your brothers business who the rest of the family are friends with. He’s entitled to end his friendship with this woman, he’s deranged to think he can dictate who other people in his family are friends with. He’s the only one causing an issue here by refusing to be an adult about it and go to the events if he wants to. “Family” is used to excuse such batshit behaviour sometimes. Family is people you’re biologically related to, not a groupthink cult. If they think your brother is being an idiot, why should they prioritise him just because “family”? What matters is individual relationships, regardless of familial status. If people prioritise friendships over family members that’s entirely their prerogative. Maybe they just like her more than your brother.