AIBU to feel guilty after matching my husband’s birthday present budget?

[Iliveforglitter]

Me and DH have birthdays a few days apart, I had my 30th and he had his 33rd last week.

I got him a new travel mug, his broke a few weeks ago and he has never left for work without a cup of coffee in hand so he’s been taking an actual mug in the car. I also got him some clothes for our upcoming holiday as he’s not got many shorts.

The night of his birthday he told me he thought is brought him a new game that he wanted, the game is £80.

it did cross my mind a while back, so I feel a bit guilty now.. but I specifically didn’t spend that much because he brought me an £15 throw (one I had looked at to go in our lounge) for my 30th. he asked me for ideas ages ago, he spoke about potentially organising a trip to Florence for a weekend. and I’ve been directly saying “if you want an idea for my birthday I would love a..”

So I just feel I was trying to be equal, but now I feel guilty that he’s disappointed.. AIBU and should I just buy the game? 😫

Except he didnt do that, did he.
Its all right there in the op.

It's not a separate issue. OP doesn't need lessons on what men like for their birthdays.

He put minimal effort and cheaped out on her 30th birthday.

She returned him that energy.

It's probably not the best way to deal with it, but it'll probably get the message across.

Does he have form for being tight or is he just utterly thoughtless/checked out?
Neither is a good quality in a partner - if he’s like this now, when you’ve presumably not been married all that long, then it will only get worse.

Give some thought as to why you’re the one feeling guilty, when he gave you a bloody throw for your 30th.

Thank God we’re not transactional about birthday presents. I can’t imagine a marriage like this.

It’s fine but I would tell him why you spent less this year and if he feels hard done by it is his fault.

OPs DH didn’t do that though…

It must be awful. We buy each other things we know that the other person would value and enjoy. I have no idea who spends more.

Before the next birthday or Christmas, perhaps you need to sit down together and talk about expectations. Is it that he genuinely isn't good at choosing gifts, or is this a sign that he's not putting the effort into the relationship? Try to work things through.
Otherwise this just becomes a tit for tat and it'll grind you down.

I‘m more interested in the fact that you felt ‘guilty’ and he is a gamer who buys his partner a household practical gift. Are you his mummy op? Do you do everything for him like he’s a little boy? Cook? Clean?

If so, you’ve only got yourself to blame here. He won’t be booking weekends awsy in Italy for a women who doesn’t respect herself.

Was that not the opportunity to ask him why he spent so little money and effort on your 30th? And then has the cheek to expect a lot more for his birthday? And can't he imagine how you felt after discussing a trip to Florence, to get a throw? Why on earth are you feeling guilty for his shitty behaviour?

Do you earn more or something so he expects more from you than he gives to you?

That’s not the point here though is it? It’s not like he thoughtfully bought her some very carefully chosen item and because it was in an antique shop it only cost him £15. It’s not the monetary value at the heart of this.

It’s about him thinking a cheap sofa throw is all she was worth, and yet she feels ‘guilt’ for not giving him the earth. It’s about low standards and low self esteem.

It doesn't say anywhere in your OP that he's disappointed. For him to say that though is quite rude. Don't buy it

thank you! I was thinking there was a lot of people with very transactional views of gifts.

We only gets gifts if it's something we know the other actually wants, so some years that might mean getting nothing or a fairly inexpensive gift (if OP really loved the throw, why is it such a rubbish gift?) and some years might be a lot more expensive. And some years we agree to spend money on a trip out or a holiday instead.

I don't think OP should feel guilty, but it does sound like she and her DH should communicate better.

And thats lovely.
But the op's husband did not do that.
He bought her a throw for the living room despite her giving him examples of things she would like. None of which were a throw or any form of household object.

Thats not making an effort, being thoughtful or buying something you know your partner will love.

Just tell him. Based on my gift last year, I assumed we were doing low key presents for our birthdays now.

No point making a point if he doesn't KNOW you're making a point.

The throw was an odd birthday gift not because of the price or suitability (it was at least something you liked) but because it was something for the shared living space rather than for you. Your gifts to him are practical but at least they are for his personal use. I find it really rude that he told you he was disappointed not to get the game AFTER you gave him his actual gifts. Did he at least acknowledge and thank you for those? Did he ever acknowledge that you might have been disappointed to get the throw instead of the trip to Florence or whatever else you told him you'd like? I'd draw a line under this year's birthday gifts (don't buy him the game) but also talk it out so you both have a better idea of what to expect next year, or at Christmas, etc. if you exchange gifts then.

Yes, I know, hence my advice to discuss expectations.

If my husband got me a throw because he genuinely thought I'd love it then that's perfect. I don't get him presents that match his spending, I but him gift because I think he would enjoy them. I also would throw my toys out the pram because someone hadn't gifted me an expensive computer game I had hinted at! I don't get the expectation of gift recieving or matching value.

Buy him a divorce, he's rubbish at presents. Do not buy him the game. He's an idiot.

I guess it's my advanced age, and I know some of you will look up from your games consoles and howl with rage, but to me buying a computer game for a 33-year old seems pathetically sad. Rather the same feeling as my daughter, who finally dumped a boyfriend in her late 20s because he asked for a double-ended light sabre for his birthday. Why are people carrying childishness on so late in life? Like adults going to Disney in princess dresses.....get a grip!!!

I didn’t know what way the vote worked so opted for YABU in that you’d be mad to spend even more money on him after he got you something fairly shit for your 30th.

If he says he's disappointed he didn't get the game say yes I know how you feel, I'm disappointed you didn't take me away even though I said that's what I'd like.
He can't really say anything to that and he will hopefully understand how upsetting it is when people don't put much effort in to birthdays.
30 is a kind of milestone (33 isn't) so he should have done more than buy something that wasn't even for you but for the house and he should have spent more than £15.

A £15 throw for your 30th? No OP you’re not being unreasonable, he is!!

its not even the cost of things it’s the thought and effort that’s the biggest thing to make somebody feel special I’m sorry he didn’t do that for you 🩷

A £15 throw for your 30th is shit. Unless you're totally skint as a household.

Minimum effort, minimal spend.

It's an extra you'd get on top of a main present.

Unless OP is going to reveal he also threw her a party or took her out for a fancy meal and dancing.