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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel guilty after matching my husband’s birthday present budget?

75 replies

Iliveforglitter · Today 07:15

Me and DH have birthdays a few days apart, I had my 30th and he had his 33rd last week.

I got him a new travel mug, his broke a few weeks ago and he has never left for work without a cup of coffee in hand so he’s been taking an actual mug in the car. I also got him some clothes for our upcoming holiday as he’s not got many shorts.

The night of his birthday he told me he thought is brought him a new game that he wanted, the game is £80.

it did cross my mind a while back, so I feel a bit guilty now.. but I specifically didn’t spend that much because he brought me an £15 throw (one I had looked at to go in our lounge) for my 30th. he asked me for ideas ages ago, he spoke about potentially organising a trip to Florence for a weekend. and I’ve been directly saying “if you want an idea for my birthday I would love a..”

So I just feel I was trying to be equal, but now I feel guilty that he’s disappointed.. AIBU and should I just buy the game? 😫

OP posts:
Watchoutfortheslowaraf · Today 07:53

He bought you a throw that he’ll probably use for your 30th and you feel guilty? You need to say to him that you were thinking of the game but as he got you a throw, you assumed he didn’t want to make a big deal of birthdays and so acted accordingly

CloudyWithAChanceOfCustard · Today 07:54

Well he’s a right cunt isn’t he? Ffs…tell him to fuck right off…and why!

Stablegirl2012 · Today 07:55

Defo don’t buy the game!

lulubalu · Today 07:55

Well he's a cheeky fucker isn't he!?

I'd have struggled not to tell him as much when THAT conversation went down.

I try to 'meet people where they're at' and that's exactly what you did, good for you, if he needs it pointed out to him then don't hold back.

Stompythedinosaur · Today 07:55

I'd want an explicit conversation about birthday spending. He can't expect a big gift if he doesn't offer the same to you.

OneShyQuail · Today 07:55

I dont get the budget matching idea of presents but I do think presents reflect effort and thought.
I think of what my dp would like and he does the same, months in advance. I make a list of ideas or add them into my Amazon basket for example so I dont forget. He does the same. We may do some research but neither of us asks specifically what we wanted. It takes away thought and effort. That to me is rhe most important thing.

My DP booked a surprise trip to Paris last year for my 41st birthday, organised everything in complete secret including who was having the children. Budgeg wise it was big but effort and thought wise too. It doesnt then mean he expects me to match that budget on his next birthday (i have no idea how much it all costed and wouldnt ask anyway) but i did put a lot of time and effort into his present which was concert tickets for something he really wants to see (hard to get tickets) and I have booked a night in hotel and planned some other things to do while we are there. Nowhere near the same cost as paris, but a lot of effort and thought again and it means we have quality time together without the children too.

We also get meaningful cards and write a fair bit on them. This means a lot to me too.

Id be gutted if he bought me a throw I was looking at in the shops for my birthday! Not because it was £15 but because there is absolutely no thought gone into that at all, hes seen you liked something and bought it.

SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePleaseBarista · Today 07:58

You know deep down YANBU. What did you say to him last night? Do not but that game, he is being so disrespectful!

Owly11 · Today 08:00

This is the perfect opportunity to use that much loved Mumsnet phrase 'give your head a wobble'. When he takes you on the weekend away, then you can buy him the game. In the meantime you have already spent way more than him on a travel mug and clothes.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · Today 08:01

It’s not even as if time passed between the two events.
Why would he think he should get a much bigger present in the same week, and for a less significant birthday?

Does he view you a bit like a child views his parents?

SD1978 · Today 08:02

Nope. I wouldn’t be guilty and I’d call him out. You gave me a £15 throw for the lounge, for my 30th, so I assumed we were going to stick with budget gifts this year which were practical. If you want to do something different next year, let me know in advance, and I would prefer we spent similar amounts as that is much fairer on us both

WinterBlues26 · Today 08:02

He didn't buy YOU a £15 throw for your 30th, he bought the house a throw for your 30th but your gifts to him were only for him. You have a horrible, mean husband.

Do yourself a massive favour, don't buy his game but start looking for therapists so you can understand why you feeling guilty instead of feeling angry or used.

Mingou · Today 08:06

Bought, not brought.

Why would you when he was so tight for yours?

thepariscrimefiles · Today 08:09

Why on earth do you feel guilty? He spent £15 on a 'gift' for you for your 30th birthday and you have already bought him much better presents for his 33rd birthday and he now expects you to buy an £80 video game?

Absolutely do not buy him the game. He could hardly have made less effort for your 30th birthday present and it wasn't even a gift for you, it was something for the house.

You need to tell him how disappointed you were with his crappy 'gift' and that there is no way you are buying him that game.

Malasana · Today 08:13

Don’t feel guilty. He’s loads of money to buy himself the game seen as he only spent £15 on your 30th. Cheeky of him to even mention it after that!

Krevlornswath · Today 08:13

What he means is that this is what he wants for his birthday, presumably hoping you will go and get it. I wouldn't and would also have let him know at the time that it isn't that as it would have been out of budget.

It doesn't sound like a great deal of thought or expense went into your milestone birthday. Unless there is some significant disparity in your levels of wealth no person would be spending £15 on a partner's gift and then expect £80 spent on them in the next breath. There's nothing at all to feel guilty about, you are not responsible for his wish fulfilment/feelings, he's an adult man and will cope.

Speakeasier · Today 08:15

Him getting you a throw for your birthday is like you getting him a screwdriver for his birthday it’s hardly a personal, thoughtful gift unless you really wanted it.

But then to guilt you when you clearly spent more than he did is dreadful. Does he often guilt you to get his own way? If so knock that on the head straight away.

AnonymityAnonymity · Today 08:17

Since when did adults become so entitled about birthdays?

Mischance · Today 08:19

I am intrigued by this sort of approach to present giving. A sort of tit for tat competition.
OH and I always just gave each other something we knew would be enjoyed and never gave a thought to value.

Sinescure · Today 08:21

Fuck no. What a tight git. Tell him you'll get the game when he gets you the other 65 quid's worth of your 30TH birthday present. (Even that is quite a low budget for 30th if you're not broke and I don't go crazy at birthdays but 30 is a big one.)

Naunet · Today 08:22

You are being very unreasonable to feel guilty. He's a grown man for god sake, not a little child. Why does he think its acceptable to expect you to spend so much more than he was willing to? His entitlement should be making you angry, not guilty.

Sinescure · Today 08:22

Mischance · Today 08:19

I am intrigued by this sort of approach to present giving. A sort of tit for tat competition.
OH and I always just gave each other something we knew would be enjoyed and never gave a thought to value.

How very superior you are.

Sharptonguedwoman · Today 08:26

Don't buy the game but do have a conversation otherwise it all starts looking a bit tit for tat.

Naunet · Today 08:26

Mischance · Today 08:19

I am intrigued by this sort of approach to present giving. A sort of tit for tat competition.
OH and I always just gave each other something we knew would be enjoyed and never gave a thought to value.

Great, but he didn't do that either, did he? So are you suggesting that OP be a doormat and ignore the low effort, low cost he puts in to her birthdays and still splash out when its his birthday. If so, why? Do you really think that's reasonable?

Easilyforgotten · Today 08:27

It's really not about being entitled for your birthday. It's about being loved and cherished by your partner. If you have a partner who brings you coffee in bed every morning but is rubbish with presents, it won't matter to you. If you have a partner who accepts your thoughtfully sourced gifts but puts no effort into the relationship in return, that will sting. If you are both on the same page and don't care about gifts but show your affection in other ways, again no problem. It's the miss-match thats the issue.
Is your partner generous of his time and affection normally, or is this a symptom of a wider dynamic?

SummerInSun · Today 08:28

Two different issues here. In your gift to him, the game would have been better than clothes even if he needs the clothes. While there are some men who are into fashion and would regard shorts as a present, there aren’t many. I often buy my DH clothes because I want to see him wearing nicer stuff, but I also get him a “real” gift as well.

Separate issue is that he did so little for your 30th, totally missed your very clear suggestions of things he could get you, yet genuinely can’t see that it’s reasonable to hint he wants a game. I think if this relationship is to go the distance, you need a frank but non accusatory chat about birthdays / gifting generally and say that you both feel let down and both got it a bit wrong and how will you do Christmas/ next year differently?