AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if I have a right to be upset.
Tonight DH and I were talking about DS and how hopefully he'll get a space in a special school soon. DH said to me if that happens I'll need to do something during the day like go for a couple of miles walk. I asked why and he said well you need to exercise. I said if he was at school full time I was hoping to get a job. DH said well yeah as long as it's school hours term time only. I pointed out that as he's been at his job for years he could ask them to adjust his hours. Oh no apparently his work aren't doing that.
DH then said I should just stay home and most women would love the life I have. He was totally serious. So most women would love to have a chronic illness while caring for serverly autistic child. A six year old who has the development of a 12 month old, a child who's bedroom I have to scrub every day because he smears his poo at night. I do absolutely everything. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, therapy exercises with DS, fighting with the LA for the school place he needs and this makes me lucky? Most women would be jealous of that? I mean anyone who is can come round and clean my son's room tomorrow.
DHs comments have made me feel really shit. Like I'm a terrible mum because I don't enjoy being at home. Or like I don't appreciate DH goes to work and I don't have to (I do understand that most of the financial pressure.is on him). I would happily swap places with DH but he won't
I don't know I just feel like I can't even complain to DH if I've had a bad day now because he thinks I should be grateful I don't have to work. He's obviously got no intention of doing anything to help me get back to work if DS ever gets a school place and I suspect (well I know) everything will still fall to me because I have chosen to go back to work.
Don't get me wrong, I love DS to pieces and would do anything for him but he's still hard work. It probably sounds horrible to say but I did quite enjoy being a SAHM when my DDs were young but they had more understanding and enjoyed school holidays (DS doesn't because it changes his routine. We also can't go anywhere because DS doesn't like busy places) and they didn't smear.
I don't know if maybe I'm just really ungrateful and I should enjoy being a SAHM or if I'm right to be pissed off with what DH said and the fact he has no intention of doing anything to help me return to work

You have a right to be upset. Your husband is disrespectful and unappreciated of the work you are doing and sounds more than a little misogynist. It's your lot to scrub poop smears daily and you should be grateful you get to do so? Wow. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you can go back to work so you can have a social life outside this man who thinks so little of you.

Your child has profound needs and that is going to make finding care difficult. That does not mean your ability to provide for yourself financially in the event something happens to your husband should be completely ignored. This isn’t just about your personal satisfaction. Working also protects you and your children. It even protects you husband because if he can’t work anymore, you could become the sole breadwinner.

Finding a way for you to get work experience, make sure the family finances are robust, and make sure you have childcare covered will not be easy, but you aren’t wrong to want to try.

He's being a sexist pig and bully.

He's portraying you as living the life of Riley... Where the reality is that it's hard slog...

Do you ever leave him for a few days so he has to do all the caring tasks...??

His delivery was piss poor but I can understand what he means.
Working on top of doing everything else that needs doing is just adding extra stress on both of you. I have worked full-time since my children were tiny, it's not easy fitting everything in and if I could have reduced my hours/not worked I would have done.
Assuming your husband is happy for you to spend money as you see fit etc personally I wouldn't be in a rush to go back to work and would take the time for myself as your husband suggests.

On one hand he is being practical, as if your son does get a place then it may be reduced hours on a part time timetable or it will require someone to drop off/pick up or deal with school transport.

However the way he has said this should be you sounds very controlling. You have taken your turn at caring for your son and DH needs to now acknowledge that you are a person and I expect would like to work for a sense of being you and having adult conversation.

As others often say, is DH even providing a pension for you? Are you equal home owners?

Yes, I would be upset about this, for all the reasons you give.

If you have a chronic illness as well as all your caring duties I think your DH might be right that having a job as well might be too much. His delivery leaves a lot to be desired though. Could you do something working from home self employed with no fixed hours, do you have any hobbies that you could turn into a small business something like that would be ideal.

Sounds hard OP, you say you have a chronic illness, will you be able to work much? IF DH stopped working and you did would you be bringing in the same amount of money and be able to work for years to come?

I suggest he wants you at home so that he doesn’t have to do his share of the grunt work. The trouble is that you are financially vulnerable, while he fills up his pension no doubt.

Op That sounds so hard a chronic illness and the care you are giving your son, does your DH help with the morning's and the cleaning etc?

I feel like work would be pretty impossible to fit in around this but I can read that you’d like to have some independent time and sounds like you need a structured break from being a mum, do you ever get any breaks or any time away at all?

I think your DH sounds like he may have had good intentions only you know him well enough as the way you’ve written this he sounds like an arse, but he could have worded it better.

My DS is in a special school. Over the years I've kept trying to get back to work, and I had a great job - self employed, wfh, school hours, high pay. But it's ended up being impossible. I miss working hugely and have a great deal of resentment that DH has continued in his career while I've had to give mine up. For many reasons it would make more sense for me to be the one working, but like most men, he refused.

I think 'most women would love the life you have' is incredibly old fashioned and most women these days would prefer to be working, independent, in charge of their own lives. You're right to be pissed off with DH.

Having said that, don't rush into finding a job or insisting DH adjust his hours. See how things are after your son's settled into his school. You absolutely need something for yourself, whether that's work or something a like volunteering/hobby/exercising/socialising, but don't underestimate the continued load while he's at school - and your need to decompress and recover when you finally get some time to yourself.

Yes! Agree it’s definitely time for you to have to go and see your family “urgently” op and leave your dh to cope this weekend.

Could you possibly get a pt job to start? Just something to get you out of the house and start building up some savings?

Or go on an AI or digital marketing course to get your skills up to date so you can work from home?

But the core problem here is your dh thinking that the care of ds is solely down to you. I think it would be worth booking say six sessions with a marriage counsellor to discuss this because he sounds very controlling and dismissive and you need to make a stand on this right now because he is already taking you for granted by saying everyone would love to be in your position.

He doesn’t appreciate or respect what you do now. And you DO have a right to feel upset.

Don’t let him get away with that op. Your dh doesn’t get to define every part of who you are and what you do,

Nor should you be doing all of the domestic chores. Does your dh do anything to help at home at all?

And as other have said it leaves you vulnerable and without a pension

I think you could point out to him that if you divorced he would have to pay out a lot more for your services and he would have to wash his own socks,

In the meantime, what do you want for yourself? If your family circumstances were different what have you always wanted to do?

You are allowed to be someone other than a mother and wife op.

The first step to this is finding support. Could you try and find a fit energetic grandmother type very close by that you can call on to look after your son when necessary. Have her over for a morning or two a week paid for by your dh until your son gets to know her. I know it’s not easy finding the right person but persist.

Then start your course and then eventually your job or and then both your dh and you can start paying for her jointly. It’s very important that if your dh refuses to cover emergencies that he contributes to having someone around to support you. So it’s not all on you. That is your escape route from being totally under your dh’s control and I am sure it will help you manage your chronic illness if you feel better mentally from having just a little area of your life that is just for you.

You really need to make a stand on this now op and energetically pursue your ambitions but get support to do it.

If the therapy works out ok and your dh changes his attitude then that’s all well and good, but if he doesn’t, then you need to make your life work for you without him. Either staying married and getting support in. Or not staying married. But the main point I am trying to get across is that YOU DO NOT NEED YOUR HUSBAND’s PERMISSION to develop your own life andand career. Do it anyway.

So you wanna have to do all that of a day and go to work. I’m with your husband. He’s not saying your life is glamorous but staying at home is surely easier than working too.

Playing devils advocate based on what you’ve said and your user name also, is what he’s said right? Trying to deal with everything you’ve got going on right now, add on trying to fit work into that, is it all going to be too much? Sounds like it was all delivered very badly, but if you feel like is hard now, adding work into that will greatly increase that stress.

He delivered it badly but surely he was referring to being able to stay home / not go to work once all your kids are at school (and have a few hours of well earned downtime to yourself during the day). Unless he is usually a complete arsehole I doubt he meant other women would think you’re lucky to be living with a chronic illness and a child with significant needs.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 I realise this isn’t your main issue, but with regards to the poo smearing have you tried using a back to front onesie at night? I know someone who had a similar issue with their severely disabled child and putting them in a onesie with the zip/poppers at the back really helped as the child couldn’t remove the onesie. After a year or so in a onesie they grew out of the poo smearing phase, due to breaking the habit.

You were happy to be a SAHM with your older children when being a SAHM was easier, because your children did not have additional needs. You were happy for your husband to go out to work and provide.

Now being a SAHM is much harder, but I feel it's a bit unfair to suggest that your household income becomes less stable, so your husband can take on some of your role, when he, being the only able-bodied adult can bring in money on a regular basis and you were happy for him to do this in the past.

Having said that, your workload is hard and unrelenting, and you probably feel a bit isolated during the day. I hope your son gets the school place he deserves and I think you should use the time when he's at school to enjoy some exercise, leisure and social activities. You deserve it.

But not working leaves op in a very vulnerable position should the marriage break down. We see it all the time on here - woman is a SAHM for years, then dh leaves and she's screwed. It's not the answer here. Dh needs to step up and do his share of the caring role.

Reframe this. He’s just said to you that being at home with your children is easy and joyous. Great - he has just given you the opportunity to go on a lovely solo break. He can look after the children solo, as after all it’s easy.

Hey, i don’t have anything to add ie working etc but just wanted to say- my son is 11 and has the development of a 3 year old, he was also a smearer, we ended up putting lino in his bedroom because carpet was just such a pain to clean out- he does still on occasion get poo everywhere (in the bathroom and by accident when trying to clean himself) but he no longer smears, it is really tough and i feel what you are going through OP, i think what PPs have put could be accurate, enjoy some time to yourself while he is at school and take a well deserved break from him- sounds horrible i know but my DS going to school everyday really helps me to have some time away from him and destress ready for when he gets home, because as much as i love him having a pre pubescent, 10st, 3 year old is very stressful.

He clearly has zero idea what you deal with everyday and in 2026 most women wouldn't love to stay at home (they probably like most want a balance).

It does sound like you need a break though can you escape for a few hours at the weekend let him care for your child for a bit?

Job wise it's going to be tricky to find the right roll with flexibility some of the work from home customer support roles might work.

Unfortunately DS can get out of them which I know sounds unusual but he just yanks at the material unit it gives way enough for him to wriggle out.
I just feel like DH thinks I'm sitting at home doing nothing which is not the case, I used to work when DS was younger. He came to nursery with me and we did compressed days (35 hours over 3.5 days) but I had to give that up when he started school as he can't do full days at mainstream. I'd love to go back, I was third in charge and really felt I could have progressed but DH persuaded me to give up, saying it would only be short term (which we thought it would be at the time).
I know that job wouldn't be compatible with DS now but I would like to do a few hours at least. It's not just work I feel so lonely and isolated most of the time.
I don't know DH isn't horrible, not financially controlling or anything like that but he does make me feel like I'm unreasonable to want to work again, like I should love being at home. I think he likes me being at home because then everything is down to me as he's done his bit by earning.

When do you get a break OP? It sounds like your DH never gives you rest even on the days when he is not at work.

I have many health conditions and also carer for our adult daughter. Although really clumsily put your husband is right. Do go for a walk when your son is at school. I didn’t and regret it. I was a SAHM when the kids were at school. My learning disabled child went to school walking distance. It was tiring and painful and I was relieved when she could walk to school on her own. And that was the end of my daily walks. But use or lose it is so true. I have many more issues now because I didn’t get my step count in.

Check your benefits. You may well find your National Insurance is being paid therefore you will get an old age pension. I assume you are getting PIP for your own conditions and also carers allowance because of your son.

Or maybe...she goes to work and now husband actually starts to share some of the childcare