AIBU to not want our one holiday with his friends?

[IsItMe24]

My partner and I have a baby together and two older kids each from a previous relationship. I know mumsnet doesn’t appear to be a fan of blended families but ours works for us, it’s just busy with a family of 7. Due to this it’s rare we get any time to ourselves and we have to budget i.e one holiday a year. Next year my partner is talking about booking a holiday with his best friend, his wife and their 3 children. They don’t live close so I’ve only met his mate a couple of times (but he spent most of the time with my partner) and I’ve never met the wife. The kids are lovely and extremely close to his kids (same age and they’ve grown up together). So it’s to be expected that when they’ve been, my kids have been a little bit left out. For my oldest this has been a bit upsetting as he usually plays a lot with partners DS and he’s ended up just staying in his bedroom being a bit sad. But I know I can’t expect partners son to include him all the time. I just feel that will be a difficult dynamic to manage on holiday. So AIBU here to not want to go on holiday with them?!
My partner would absolutely hate it if I said no and to him I feel he would view it as disrespectful as they’re like his family. But I can’t stop having visions of it potentially being awkward (I’m not the most outgoing and even if I did meet the wife prior to going away, I doubt we’re gonna be on a friend level as it takes time for me to warm up to someone. I also feel that I’m gonna be left with my kids a lot of the time as they’re younger and need more supervision- his and mates kids are teenagers and mine are primary school age. My youngest and our baby will also be getting up early and I can see myself being the one to do this whilst they all sleep in till 8/9 and stay up late.
I also begrudge spending our one holiday going away somewhere I have little say and will feel obliged to do things other people want to do. Plus 7 kids on holiday sounds even more manic than 5. And mostly I worry about feeling uncomfortable. Am I overthinking this and should just go? What would you do?
To add it will be in a holiday home with a pool so the idea is we will stay there most of the time, cook all meals and only wander out to the beach etc.

Id feel the same way as you and I’d tell your partner that you don’t want to go. You don’t need to say anything negative about his friends , just that as you only have time and money for one holiday a year you want to spend it with just him and your kids.

So stuck in a villa with another family you barely know, cooking, clearing up & looking after young kids? Your son being upset because he's being left out by his step brother.
You will be getting up early because your kids will be up wanting breakfast & then getting in the pool. Your partner will get a lie in every morning "because he's on holiday".
Meanwhile your partner will stay up later drinking with his buddy & wife, older kids up later & you will get minimal sleep.
You will need a holiday to get over this one, resenting your partner & he'll be nice & relaxed after chilling out because you've done all the hard work & wondering why you are so annoyed with him?

Yeah, sounds fab (not). As above, I'd be saying no. Family holiday should be a holiday for everyone. Not just DP whilst you get run ragged.

I feel like if I try and explain why I don’t want to go, he’ll reassure me that he’ll help with the kids and if necessary try and save for a second holiday (to try and please me).
So if we pretend that’s true, AIBU to still say no? As if I’m honest I just don’t really think I want to. I think holidays with young kids can be stressful enough (and partners for that matter) without adding another family to it. And make that 8 kids, not 7!

What you have just described sounds like my idea of hell. YANBU even if he gives you all the excuses about kids and second holiday. I think he's being selfish. Would he do the same for you if the shoe was on the other foot?

Wouldn’t you rather get to know someone before you commit to going on holiday with them? Seems crazy to be going g away when you don’t even know the wife you could all rock up and the two of you hate each other.
much too soon.

I will only do group hols if everyone has their own accommodation and we can just meet up for the odd activity. Couldn’t cope with being with another family 24:7. I don’t want to be sharing housekeeping, shopping, cooking etc with others as it can lead to resentment as people have different ideas about things.

You are being perfectly reasonable to say this isn’t your idea of a holiday. It sounds like you all already do really well by blending the families and age groups. Why mess with a good thing?

And what's this 'disrespectful' nonsense? What has respect got to do with it and 'disrespecting' who, anyway?

Holidays cost a shed load of money, you don't get many of them and it's yours as well as theirs so don't accept this plan if it's not what you want.

Yanbu at all. I would absolutely not want to go on that holiday, it sounds far too claustrophobic and tricky with all the kids. You’d end up on kid breakfast duty for whichever child was awake!

I’d suggest he goes alone with his older 2 and you go away with all yours and have a family holiday another time (do you have family to have a holiday with?). I’d do anything to avoid this becoming a “tradition”.

If you must go with these people go all inclusive, no shopping no sharing no negotiation on who pays for what, no clearing up and separate apartments.

Hell no. You don’t know these people. Holidays are for relaxing, not spending in the company of relatively new people. It sounds very stress inducing.

I don’t know if it’s a culture thing as he doesn’t seem to understand why this would be awkward for me. We haven’t spoken yet though. But they’re all very excited and I could hear them talking about it last night (when I was in bed as we already have different sleep schedules)
I just remember a similar conversation where he thought I was rude because I didn’t put more of an effort in with his friends when they came for the weekend. Again I’d never met them before and they stayed for 2 nights. They mainly sat in the separate living room so admittedly no I didn’t really go in to talk as I still had the kids to deal with. And just did my usual routine. So other than eating I didn’t really interact with them. He said then that was disrespectful! He understood in the end but is still adamant that he would have made far more effort as friends and family are so important to him. So I can absolutely imagine him saying that if it was the other way round then of course he would go.
Just trying to get some outside views to make sure I’m not just being weird here as socialising with new people isn’t my strong point

What about suggesting just a weekend away, maybe somewhere half way between where you both live.

That way you get a chance to get to know each other, but it's not too long (and you can still have your regular family trip later in the year as well).

If it's wonderful, then plan a longer trip in the future (sell it to DH this way).

If it's terrible, then nobody suffers for too long and you won't have to tell DH why it was a terrible idea, he will see it for himself.

His teenage son will probably have a much better time hanging out with his teenage friend, rather than this primary aged step-brother.

Yeah this is true op maybe his teen kids want a holiday with friends rather than having to entertain young kids

It sounds like he has planned this already without your input? Does it happen often that you don’t get a say? How do you usually make decisions? When do you get to decide something and he goes along with it?

I think you have a few options;

1. let him know that your child will feel left out, they are his long standing friends, not yours and so whilst he will find it relaxing, it’s not the holiday you want or need. See what he says. I think he will guilt you and manipulate you to try and get you to agree.
2. Do it, suck it up, get to k is them and accept it’s not the holiday you wanted but next year you call the shots. If they are good friends then get them to support their kids to include yours more.
3. Let him know that it’s not your idea of a relaxing holiday, you’d be happy to join them for a weekend but you will plan something for just you and your child this year but you hope they have a lovely time.

You matter too. Your wants and needs matter too.

Say no until you have got to know the family a bit more.

Yes I’m aware that the older kids would absolutely love it. As I said they’re very close, speak everyday. I have no problem with partner going and just taking the older kids even if it means me and the younger kids don’t go anywhere. That’s how much I don’t think I’ll enjoy it. But maybe that’s mean as it’s depriving the younger kids of a holiday? Plus I believe my partner will say no to that anyway. My son being left out is something I can deal with, I’ll just have to entertain etc. So really it’s more about me. Is that selfish?

I think you would be reasonable to say no until you know them better.

I agree with other, this clearly suits his family better than yours.

It sounds like you were rude when they came to stay. Just because you have small children doesn’t mean you have to sit in a different room to visiting adults. Routines can flex a bit on occasion.

But it also sounds like you are shy and I get that. He should know that about you really since he has built a life with you.

No. It’s not. You matter too.

If you say “look, I really do understand that this is your ideal holiday. You enjoy and feel relaxed with and have fun with your friends. Your kids and theirs are really close and will enjoy it. For me and my child, we don’t have that same relationship and it will be going on holiday with people we don’t know very well. One day I hope we will feel close enough with them to holiday together, and a weekend away would be fine, but for the main family holiday, I would really like it to be just us. You have already all been talking about it and getting excited, so I don’t want you all to miss out. This year I’ll take my child to X instead.”

what would he say?

I agree, you are not being selfish. You matter and it’s your one holiday. A holiday needs to suit the whole family really, though that isn’t easy.

I think your partner is being selfish really as he must know this idea suits him and his family much more than you and yours.

Call his bluff and say you’re willing to do it after you’ve had a family holiday alone first.

What are the ages of the kids?

I’ve done some group holidays with friends but all the kids were within a range of ages (next summer there are 3 families but the kids are all 11-14 and good friends). It’s still a bit tricky to navigate at times and we’ve been family friends with these people for almost 20 years. I don’t think friend holidays work well if the kids aren’t near enough in age to hang out together.

I think the most logical thing is for him to take his children and you to stay home - particularly as that’s what you want to do anyway. I think some people would love this setup but you get a vote too. Just maybe only talk about the positives of staying home with your partner as the way you are posting here would make me feel terribly guilty.

Could you look for a cheap caravan holiday for your children? Over one of the half terms maybe? If you drive it can be really affordable and you can go swimming etc.

I would explain how difficult it is for your DC when his friend’s DC are around because they get left out and a whole week of that on holiday wouldn’t be pleasant for them. If he still really wants to go with friends, perhaps he can do that with his DC and you take yours on a separate holiday?

I certainly don’t think you are being unreasonable. I think the idea of suggesting a weekend only compromise is a good one.
Personally in your situation I would point out the older teenagers who are good friends will hang out and it will mean your son is (understandably) left out, as has happened before. Therefore whilst I can see this is a great idea for him and his children, it isn’t for you and yours. Therefore, my proposal would be that I go somewhere else with my children at the same time. Somewhere focussed for their age group. I would take the baby but honestly I’d before I do I’d use the baby to point out his hypocrisy. I’d ask if he wants to take the baby too, as baby won’t care which holiday they go on and they are 3 adults and 5 children rather than 1 to 3. When he inevitably says no, I’d ask why. Whatever answer he gives will be very insightful for helping me justify why he is being unreasonable. Eg we won’t be able to do the same activities the older ones enjoy with a baby (ah so you were assuming I would be childcare and not participate if we come). I don’t want to get up early after drinking (why would that make a difference unless you were assuming that would be my problem) etc etc.

If I was the other family with essentially self-sufficient DC I wouldn't want a holiday with young DC (including a baby) that need watching 24/7 because of the pool. Are you sure they're as keen and it's not just the two husbands planning this jolly?