AIBU to not want our one holiday with his friends?

[IsItMe24]

My partner and I have a baby together and two older kids each from a previous relationship. I know mumsnet doesn’t appear to be a fan of blended families but ours works for us, it’s just busy with a family of 7. Due to this it’s rare we get any time to ourselves and we have to budget i.e one holiday a year. Next year my partner is talking about booking a holiday with his best friend, his wife and their 3 children. They don’t live close so I’ve only met his mate a couple of times (but he spent most of the time with my partner) and I’ve never met the wife. The kids are lovely and extremely close to his kids (same age and they’ve grown up together). So it’s to be expected that when they’ve been, my kids have been a little bit left out. For my oldest this has been a bit upsetting as he usually plays a lot with partners DS and he’s ended up just staying in his bedroom being a bit sad. But I know I can’t expect partners son to include him all the time. I just feel that will be a difficult dynamic to manage on holiday. So AIBU here to not want to go on holiday with them?!
My partner would absolutely hate it if I said no and to him I feel he would view it as disrespectful as they’re like his family. But I can’t stop having visions of it potentially being awkward (I’m not the most outgoing and even if I did meet the wife prior to going away, I doubt we’re gonna be on a friend level as it takes time for me to warm up to someone. I also feel that I’m gonna be left with my kids a lot of the time as they’re younger and need more supervision- his and mates kids are teenagers and mine are primary school age. My youngest and our baby will also be getting up early and I can see myself being the one to do this whilst they all sleep in till 8/9 and stay up late.
I also begrudge spending our one holiday going away somewhere I have little say and will feel obliged to do things other people want to do. Plus 7 kids on holiday sounds even more manic than 5. And mostly I worry about feeling uncomfortable. Am I overthinking this and should just go? What would you do?
To add it will be in a holiday home with a pool so the idea is we will stay there most of the time, cook all meals and only wander out to the beach etc.

But I will talk to him anyway and see what he says. Right now I think he’s just presumed that I’m on board as he hasn’t asked, just told me they’re looking at such and such for x date

Well it seems fair enough that you have your own children as responsibilities and share the cooking/cleaning for your shared home. But this won't work quite as smoothly now there's a shared child. He should be doing half the work with the baby outside of when he's at work which doesn't sound like it's happening.

It's a good idea to give it a go this once. Your DS and the other family's DC will have more opportunity to get to know each other and to build up a friendship. You say the other DC are lovely so that surely would be a positive and you could help to encourage that to happen.
My kids' favourites holidays are the ones spent in the UK with family friends - they love(d) having other kids to hang out with.

Did you see the ages of the children?

Fuck that. I hate holidaying with other people, let alone ones I barely know. And it's a given that your younger children will be left out. Teenagers don't want to hang out with 5 year olds. It all sounds uniquely horrible.

i would speak to him and say he seems more worried about how his friends feel than his wife and you don’t want to spend your only holiday in this situation.

Bugger that for a joke. You're being dragged along as chief cook and bottle-washer, and not even included in the decision to go!

I'd put my foot down on this one, but if he's so keen to "have all the kids along" then he can take them all by himself while you take a well-deserved break alone.

He can save for the 2nd holiday with his friends. Family only holiday comes 1st and he gets up everyday with the baby on that one. If he does that and saves enough for a second holiday you go.

You only get one family holiday and he wants yiu to spend it socialising actively with strangers because it would be really rude not to, you have evidence that this is what he’d think and expect, and the younger kids would be left out? no.

dh, I’ve been thinking and that will not work for our family holiday, we only get one, and I would hate it and the younger kids would find it hard. I’m happy to talk you through it, but I’ve decided, and you don’t get to steamroll me because it would be fun for you and the older kids. Our one family holiday a year is not for fun for half the family.

If he starts talking about finding money for more holidays you say excellent, if you can do that you can book a weekend for you, your kids and your friend, after our family holiday.
if he is unhappy about you not going/vetoinf, you repeat I’ve told you i won’t enjoy it, you wanting me to use my one family holiday for something I won’t enjoy is really unkind. I don’t try and talk you into spending major family leisure time having a shit time solo parenting while I have fun. Please try and talk
like you think my feelings matter.

@IsItMe24

I was of two minds until I read the ages of the children. But now I think YA absolutely NBU to not go. There is no way the older kids are going to want to entertain the younger kids. At their ages they'll probably want to spend a lot of on their own at the beach or 'hanging out' somewhere. And since the younger children are your children it's going to simply be expected that you look after them. And your DP has already shown that he's not going to step away from his friends to help you, and probably deep down feels 'your circus, your monkeys' about your 2 DC when it comes to his priorities. Nor would it really help much if he did since take over for a bit since you don't know the other couple all that well so there would probably be awkward conversation with some periods of silence. I'd tell him you are 'declining the pleasure'. If he doesn't like it, let him go off in a huff.

I had a friend my esDH didn't like. He had a lovely friend whose wife neither of us could stand, but he put up with her because he loved his friend like a brother. I chose not to do so. We socialized with those friends separately (other than if that wife wasn't around, then I enjoyed his friend's company). There's nothing wrong with that.

I would suggest though that you make an effort to get to know the 'couple in question'. But I'd do it in neutral ground and 'adults only', like meeting at a restaurant for a meal (where he can't shut them all up in 'his' living room).

I'd end that separate living room pronto! I'd make it my mission to 'invade that space' as much as I could. Unless it's full of authentic Louis XIV furniture, walls full of Rembrandts, and tables crowded with Sevrés figurines there's no reason for DC to be 'barred' from it. Childproof it, get washable covers for the sofa, and tell him his 'man cave' is now the 'family room'.

Many I know of have two living spaces have an adult room and then a play/family room

I think it's fine to have two reception rooms where one is more of a playroom the other more formal. What I don't think is fine is that the dad spends his evenings in the one living room by himself whilst the kids, and by default the mum, are banished to the other living room. He just sounds inherently selfish.

This whole blended family set up is really really odd.

@IsItMe24 your partner isn't as nice as you seem to think he is. He was the rude one, shutting himself away with his friends when they came to visit leaving you caring for the younger dc, like a nanny. you seem scared to upset him, but he doesn't care about your feelings, only his friends.

I felt horrified reading about the partner's behaviour. I feel sad for her children in all this

I absolutely would NOT do a holiday where my children were likely to be ignored in favor of other kids who are not family members. Your partner says it's disrespectful of you not to welcome his friend's family on your family holiday. Well I say it's disrespectful of your partner, towards you, to expect you to allow your family holiday to be hijacked so he can center his friend on YOUR holiday.

If your partner truly sees you as creating a permanent blended family, then fostering the relationships amongst all the kids you have together, is a lot more important than ensuring his kids can have fun with his friend's kids, especially if it means that your own children will be left out by his children.

My instinct here is that this relationship won't last so I would make sure your children do not lose out on a single fun vacation of their childhood. Make sure you build good memories for your children. Don't let your partner ruin that by centering some other family that he cares about more than yours.

Older dc definitely won’t want to do 8yr old activities or want a younger child hanging round as they’re dive bombing each other in the pool. Their ages are not compatible and I think this and not even knowing the wife should be your starting point with a discussion. It’s not rude or disrespectful, it’s plain common sense. Plus, you’ll end up doing the lion’s share of care of your 3 anyway on any holiday, being with a stranger and having his dc from a previous relationship, I guarantee you’ll end up being the maid, basically. It makes no sense.

Nah. Wouldn't like this but then my personality isn't suited to the sort of dynamic. Some people love that sort of thing. I'd compromise on a weekend in the UK at the most.