AIBU to not want our one holiday with his friends?

[IsItMe24]

My partner and I have a baby together and two older kids each from a previous relationship. I know mumsnet doesn’t appear to be a fan of blended families but ours works for us, it’s just busy with a family of 7. Due to this it’s rare we get any time to ourselves and we have to budget i.e one holiday a year. Next year my partner is talking about booking a holiday with his best friend, his wife and their 3 children. They don’t live close so I’ve only met his mate a couple of times (but he spent most of the time with my partner) and I’ve never met the wife. The kids are lovely and extremely close to his kids (same age and they’ve grown up together). So it’s to be expected that when they’ve been, my kids have been a little bit left out. For my oldest this has been a bit upsetting as he usually plays a lot with partners DS and he’s ended up just staying in his bedroom being a bit sad. But I know I can’t expect partners son to include him all the time. I just feel that will be a difficult dynamic to manage on holiday. So AIBU here to not want to go on holiday with them?!
My partner would absolutely hate it if I said no and to him I feel he would view it as disrespectful as they’re like his family. But I can’t stop having visions of it potentially being awkward (I’m not the most outgoing and even if I did meet the wife prior to going away, I doubt we’re gonna be on a friend level as it takes time for me to warm up to someone. I also feel that I’m gonna be left with my kids a lot of the time as they’re younger and need more supervision- his and mates kids are teenagers and mine are primary school age. My youngest and our baby will also be getting up early and I can see myself being the one to do this whilst they all sleep in till 8/9 and stay up late.
I also begrudge spending our one holiday going away somewhere I have little say and will feel obliged to do things other people want to do. Plus 7 kids on holiday sounds even more manic than 5. And mostly I worry about feeling uncomfortable. Am I overthinking this and should just go? What would you do?
To add it will be in a holiday home with a pool so the idea is we will stay there most of the time, cook all meals and only wander out to the beach etc.

You’re not selfish at all - you matter too & it’s your 1 holiday a year! Just tell him no, you don’t want to go as you want the holiday solely to be with your blended family alone. If he gets angry or annoyed, then tell him to go with them but you & your DCs won’t be going & see how he is then. If he picks holidaying with his friend over you, then that’s his choice (but doesn’t bode well for the future really).

"he would view it as disrespectful"

"a similar conversation where he thought I was rude"

"He said then that was disrespectful!"

He's quite opinionated on the matter of you being 'rude' and 'disrespectful' isn't he? Something about the way you've mentioned this a few times in just a few posts feels uncomfortable to me.

It’s not the job of your teenage step-son to keep your primary aged child entertained on holiday.

That said, I am assuming they will all be spending the time hanging out at the pool anywhere, where everyone will join in together

Tbf it does sound like she was pretty rude when he had friends over. He could have done more with the kids so she could socialise with the friends but it sounds like she wouldn't have liked that

mainly sat in the separate living room so admittedly no I didn’t really go in to talk

Yeah. that's weird. You made zero extra effort with his friends who he has explained are very important to him. No wonder he thinks you're rude.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable about not wanting to go on this trip. But you should be able to talk about this with your DP without worrying about how he will respond. Just because he wants to go and doesn’t see any problems that can’t be overcome doesn’t mean he can’t try and get where you’re coming from. It sounds like you’re tip toing around rather than feeling safe enough to be frank and just say this is how you’re feeling and why. Your DP needs to really listen to what you’re saying and allow you to have your own needs. I think this is what true intimacy is about, you can say things and not be judged and can find a way to work things out together, understanding that you have different perspectives for a whole range of reasons and that’s ok.

I agree with this. In fact, I'd be aiming for a tone/attitude of ''What a lovely idea, we can do a long weekend sometime after our family holiday. You obviously didn't mean going on our family holiday with them, that would be ridiculous when I barely know them. A long weekend would be nice as I can get to know them better, with the aim of having longer holidays together in the future.'

Or, as you've said, tell him you know he and his older children would love it, so they can go and you and the younger children can go to an AI resort where all meals etc are taken care of so that you can relax too.

Don't let it sound like everyone going on holiday with his friends is even an option.

I’d probably try and make more effort to get to know them, suggest meeting up soon for a weekend. Say you’ll consider the holiday but want to put it on the back burner until you know them.

And when he says he’ll “help” with his own child if you agree to go, tell him that it’s ok, even if you don’t go with him he can take the baby.

Sit him down to binge watch Two Weeks in August.

I think this would indeed be lovely for his teenage kids and if I were him I’d definitely want to give them this holiday. He probably only have a couple of more years of holidaying with his kids whereas you have a decade or more. I totally understand if you didn’t want to come though, it would be like you are on a separate holiday with your young kids. It’s perfectly fine to do things differently when you are a blended family and him going away with his kids and then you going away with yours could be really nice for the kids. Quality time with their parents. The baby won’t care if they come or stay at home.

Just say no.

You need to talk to your partner, tell him.how you feel and figure out a compromise. Could you go but stay in your own accommodations and agree to have a certain number of days doing your own thing? Share your concerns about the baby and being left on your own and agree those boundaries too. And maybe agree to spend some more time with them all together before you commit either way? Or cross over holidays - we did this with friends where they had 4 days, we joined them for the last 3 days then they left and we had 4 days on our own after they left.

I would keep expensive holiday to your family only and suggests he goes camping or something else cheap with his kids (including baby) and his friends and you stay behind with your big kids and do something fun with them

Well if they have already been to stay with you and you didn't make much effort to get to know them suggesting a weekend away so you can get to know them would make me wonder if it would just be more of the same. Getting to know people takes effort on both sides. One of the advantages of a villa type holiday is being able to let the little ones stay up later because they have somewhere they can rest in the day time if they get overtired and you can still enjoy relaxed time with the others around the pool whilst the little one naps.

I suspect this is his thinking. His DC may have complained about spending time with younger kids.

I don’t think you are unreasonable for not doing the holiday. Going away with near strangers sounds awful.

However I think you need to find alternatives so you can get to know them.

However I think far apart do you live? Is there somewhere halfway you could meet for days out or an Airbnb weekend? Out of school holidays it wouldn’t be too bad if you did a Friday and Saturday night break or even a cheap Sun holidays break if they do those. I think you need to be willing to get to know these people if they are so close and it sounds like they are going to be in your life for the foreseeable future

I just don’t necessarily think it extends to using up the holiday budget so you don’t get a family break.

To those saying it sounds like I was rude in a previous situation, that’s exactly what I was trying to avoid in this scenario.
Yes I could have made a bit more effort then, I admitted that. But to be fair, he didn’t help one bit with the kids all weekend. For context my 5 year old is autistic and needs a lot of supervision. We have a separate living room that the kids don’t go in. That’s any of the kids. Really it’s his room as I barely go in there myself. So yes he was in there with his mates with the door shut. And I was mainly outside with the kids and baby. I could say that he could have made more effort to come out and speak to us as he only ever left the living room to get more drinks etc. But yes I could have left the kids for maybe a few minutes whilst I went in there. And then in the evening after the kids were in bed they were drinking and getting ready to go out. But I do feel this will get used as me not making more effort again. As I get he’s like his brother, mates for 20 years and he’s known his wife since uni.
I agree that his kids will have a better time, and so will my partner probably. As I said I’m fine for them to go without me. But I know he won’t want that and I’m just trying to avoid it looking like I’m not making enough effort again

And to answer the age question. His kids and friends kids are 12,12,13,13 and 14.
My son is 8 and 5 year old is more like a toddler really in terms of the care he needs. And then baby.
It is a lot so I completely understand if he wanted to go away himself, as people appear to be insinuating that I don’t understand that his kids would like a holiday with essentially their friends. But partner doesn’t want to go without me

He doesn't sound like a very nice partner at all. It sounds like he is just using you for childcare and not that he actually wants you included in his social life. Why do you have a living room that none of the kids are allowed into? It's everybody's home, not just his. It sounds like it's yet another way for him to create distance between himself and what he considers wife work.

I think you should make the separate holidays a permanent thing, together with separate every day life.

Yes I could have made a bit more effort then, I admitted that. But to be fair, he didn’t help one bit with the kids all weekend.

And the same will happen on holiday.

They are his friends, you will be expected to manage baby and younger kids alone.

Put your foot down and say holidays for you mean family only.

Tell him if he wants to go then he can go with his kids without you and baby, and then you will go with your own dc on holiday and leave baby with him

He has his own living room in a house with 5 children? Or do his teens tend to live with their mum for the majority of the time?

Be honest, while his friends were over, would you have wanted DH to look after the kids, do bedtime whatever while you entertained the friends? Or were you quite happy to have a reason not to spend time with them?

To answer your question, yes it is selfish to veto a holiday you have accepted everyone but you will enjoy, but that's not a reason not to do it - it's ok to be selfish.

Yes we have two living rooms. A smaller one that’s just used by him mainly in the evening (I’m usually in bed not much later than the kids tbh as baby atm gets up at 5)
and then a bigger living room which is for the kids. And I’m in there mostly with them. His kids are here 50% of the time

I’m not complaining that he didn’t help with the kids. Just giving some reason as to why I wasn’t speaking to his friends much. I view that it works both ways. He didn’t have to stay in the living room all day. It was sunny, they could have come outside to us. At two points one of his mates did actually come into the kitchen and sat with me whilst holding baby for a few minutes and another time when my 5 year old was crying for quite a while. But as I said my partner never surfaced. To me that’s fine if he wants a weekend with his mates but I don’t think I should be expected to do all the childcare and entertain his friends. So yes I expected a bit of help with the kids if he wanted me to come and sit with them. I don’t mind either way, just thought it was a bit unfair of him to be annoyed as I wasn’t purposely rude

That's insane. The guy has three kids but has his own living room where they are not allowed. How on earth did this come about?