AIBU to not want our one holiday with his friends?

[IsItMe24]

My partner and I have a baby together and two older kids each from a previous relationship. I know mumsnet doesn’t appear to be a fan of blended families but ours works for us, it’s just busy with a family of 7. Due to this it’s rare we get any time to ourselves and we have to budget i.e one holiday a year. Next year my partner is talking about booking a holiday with his best friend, his wife and their 3 children. They don’t live close so I’ve only met his mate a couple of times (but he spent most of the time with my partner) and I’ve never met the wife. The kids are lovely and extremely close to his kids (same age and they’ve grown up together). So it’s to be expected that when they’ve been, my kids have been a little bit left out. For my oldest this has been a bit upsetting as he usually plays a lot with partners DS and he’s ended up just staying in his bedroom being a bit sad. But I know I can’t expect partners son to include him all the time. I just feel that will be a difficult dynamic to manage on holiday. So AIBU here to not want to go on holiday with them?!
My partner would absolutely hate it if I said no and to him I feel he would view it as disrespectful as they’re like his family. But I can’t stop having visions of it potentially being awkward (I’m not the most outgoing and even if I did meet the wife prior to going away, I doubt we’re gonna be on a friend level as it takes time for me to warm up to someone. I also feel that I’m gonna be left with my kids a lot of the time as they’re younger and need more supervision- his and mates kids are teenagers and mine are primary school age. My youngest and our baby will also be getting up early and I can see myself being the one to do this whilst they all sleep in till 8/9 and stay up late.
I also begrudge spending our one holiday going away somewhere I have little say and will feel obliged to do things other people want to do. Plus 7 kids on holiday sounds even more manic than 5. And mostly I worry about feeling uncomfortable. Am I overthinking this and should just go? What would you do?
To add it will be in a holiday home with a pool so the idea is we will stay there most of the time, cook all meals and only wander out to the beach etc.

I'm just going to say to you that anyone older than 13 who talks about being disrespected is a complete twat. It's basically the twat klaxon, because it's an insecure person who knows they've done nothing anyone remotely respects and they're projecting that on to whoever they can try to bully.

When we moved we obviously both had all of our old house stuff (two lots of sofas etc) and we have two reception rooms so just came about like that.
The no kids thing is probably more due to my 5 year old as he can be a bit destructive at times. So we keep breakable things etc in there.

Her kids won’t enjoy it though, she knows they will be left out.

It’s better if he just takes his own kids if he’s going to see his arse about this holiday.

Sounds like he needs to take his maid on holiday with him

I totally understand why you don't want to go OP. These are HIS friends and their kids are friends with his kids. They are not your friends and their kids are too old to be friends with your kids. If he was still single, he could go away with them and all the kids would have a lovely time. The fly in the ointment is you and your kids, who are younger. If it were me, I'd tell him to go on holiday with them and take his kids and they'd all go with my blessing and zero resentment, but I'd feel exactly like you do about joining them. You just know that you'll feel awkward and like a spare part and your three kids will be left out and so you'll just be looking after your kids while he has fun with his mates. Fuck that! That is not enjoyable or 'a holiday'.

I can understand from his point of view that he’d like to have a holiday with his close friend, and his and their kids get on brilliantly. When the kids are occupied with friends it makes holidays so much better.
I can see why you don’t want to go. But I’m not sure you can rule this out for him & his dc. You could split the budget and have two separate holidays.

I think that would be a good compromise. I’ve said I’m happy for him and his kids to go without me and mine. When he was single they have been away together before. And in the future, maybe we can all go. But I don’t know them. My kids barely know them. I think I’m being realistic that it won’t work for us. But I know he won’t be happy if I don’t come/won’t go without me

This is it exactly OP. I can’t believe he shut the door to “his” living room when his friends came over. While you were on the other side looking after the children. Who on earth does he think he is?! If you go on this holiday you will spend the entire time in that villa cooking, cleaning and looking after the children. Fuck that. And take “his” living room back.

The more you post the more I'm confused as to why on earth you had a baby with this man. You are in a 'very' different stage to him - 3 young children, one with additional needs and one a literal baby and he has some number of half-grown teenagers.

The teenagers will be much happier without 3 little kids in the house. The other parents will be too - am sure they wouldn't want to say anything, but it will change the trip massively to have 3 young children along with their teenagers. I am getting to the other side of that now and I wouldn't particularly be thrilled about adjusting around toddlers again (that sounds terrible. Of course I love little kids, it's just not relaxing at all and really quite hard to adjust when you're not used to it!)

Solo parenting 3 children amongst a horde of teenagers, 3 adults who like to stay up quite late 'and' a pool sounds really, really difficult and in no way a 'holiday'

Oh my god!!

He is a prick. Utter prick. Sorry. But reading that I’m fuming. So he has his own living room that he was in while you took some care of the kids and the they all went out leaving you to look after the kids?

This will be you on holiday too. Don’t go. In fact, what does he bring to the relationship? When do your needs get prioritised?

Yep.

I’ve gone on successful trips with another family but the kids are the same age, everyone mucks in and I really get on with the other couple. It’s been my DH who doesn’t know them well, and we did not bring his older teenage kids with us. But there was never a moment when we weren’t all doing what we wanted. There was no one of us dealing with the kids bedtime while the partner was chilling by the pool with a beer. There were times we’d spilt up - if me and my friend wanted to go to a market that they weren’t interested in for example and they’d just hang out with the kids by the pool.
Frankly I think it’s as much for the teens to have fun. I’d go, but tell DH that he better take equal responsibility for the youngsters as the teens don’t need minding but he can help parent his younger stepkids! Then you can all socialise together. If he and his friend wanted to go off for an afternoon fine, and if you want to go off (alone or whatever) then that should be fine too. I’d be making an effort with the other wife if they are so close. And there’s no reason why you can’t still do stuff as a family without the other family! Are the teens old e ouch to be left on their own?

She said the older kids would love it and if she didn't go, she'd be depriving the younger ones of a holiday, and it was really about her not wanting to go - which I took to mean all the children would like a holiday and she's the only once who wouldn't. As I said, it's ok to be selfish. But most young children would like a holiday with a pool to play in I think!

"Yes I’m aware that the older kids would absolutely love it. As I said they’re very close, speak everyday. I have no problem with partner going and just taking the older kids even if it means me and the younger kids don’t go anywhere. That’s how much I don’t think I’ll enjoy it. But maybe that’s mean as it’s depriving the younger kids of a holiday? Plus I believe my partner will say no to that anyway. My son being left out is something I can deal with, I’ll just have to entertain etc. So really it’s more about me. Is that selfish?"

This post sums it up perfectly.
Holidays can be stressful at the best of times with people you like and love.
It would be a definite no from me.

It sounds as if you have differnt expectations of the role a holiday plays in your life.

I would address this with him not as a problem because his friends, their kids... dynamic etc etc but from the pov that as a big family you get precious little quality time all together and you see a holiday as a way to do that, rather than be a big social occasion.

I don't think that your kids (all three) are old enough yet to enjoy this. I think you should suggest he takes his older two and goes without you. BUT at the same time, you will not become comfortable with his friends if you don't make an effort so I think you should also book in some time with this other family and get to know them... they're obviously important to him and a holiday all together is far more realistic when your kids are a couple of years older. I do think you sound a little bit anti-social and awkward with the other friends who visited.

I think this is the best solution. Stick to your guns. This is not a holiday for you at all—you will simply be doung childcare, cooking, and cleaning for multiple children in a different place.

This is a good reply.

Have a holiday just you 7 and he can save for the second holiday with friends

Maybe so, but then that makes even less sense to me why he thinks I would be ok spending a week with people I barely know if I’m so socially awkward and weird!
But yes I am a shy person, small talk doesn’t come to me that easily

Are you better without the kids there? Do you get time away from any / all of your children? It seems you're in a bit of a situation where - because you have the youngest children and one has additional needs so is somewhat younger than their age - you therefore have 100% the responsibility of your shared child as well? It doesn't seem like your partner is interested in going back in time to when he was actively parenting small children so this setup is really uneven in normal life, will be extremely problematic in a high stress situation.

I believe he will be worried about what his friends will think if I don’t go. And that’s where the me being rude will come into it.
I haven’t tried to stop meeting up with them or anything, life I guess is just busy. His friend and wife work opposite shifts and he works away a lot. She is normally working weekends which is why he’s come up with the kids himself before. But they have more holidays and this won’t be their only one. So understandably they’d be quite happy to spend one of them with DP and his kids.
I would be happy to go away for a weekend but that’s not what they want to do.

He can take his DC on holiday with them and just say the dates don’t work for you/your DC.

They really aren’t going to care.

All he has to say is the dates don't work for you but you are delighted he is getting a break with his pals. Why is he more worried about what they think than what you want and need as his partner?

I always have the children other than when they’re in school. But then still have baby as I’m on maternity right now.
I do pretty much do everything with the younger kids including baby but I’m breastfeeding so I guess he can’t really have him right now that much. So atm things are uneven (and maybe always will be) in that I go to bed earlier than him and sometimes his older kids. And I wake up 2-3 hours before him. He takes his to school, I take mine etc. But we both pitch in with the cooking and cleaning etc. So it is kind of like our routines from being single have continued but yet we live together now. I’ve been ok with this but I just don’t really want to be on holiday and that continue.