AIBU to still wash my autistic 11-year-old son’s hair?

[BakingN]

My mum thinks it’s ridiculous that I still wash my DS11’s hair. He’s got autism and was diagnosed since he was 5 and whilst it doesn’t affect anything major he can struggle to make new friends etc. he’s not the best when it comes to washing his hair since it’s quite thick and I worry about dandruff with him having sensitive skin. I just think it’s nice for us to bond and I am teaching him how to do it himself but he likes me doing it and I like to make sure his hair is fully done. Is this bad parenting?

Is he neurotypical?

Undiagnosed but very likely on the spectrum

Your main job as a parent is (as far as possible given his ND) to make him into a self reliant adult. There's two aspects to this, supporting him to be physically independent and emotionally independent. A warm and loving mother/father doing maternal stuff supports him emotionally. It's a balance so that you're not smothering him or taking away opportunities for him to be independent from you when he wants that. It's not really about the hair washing in isolation, but more how capable and independent he is in all aspects of life. Do you think you "baby" him overall?

For what it's worth I blow dry my 15year old NT DDs very long hair, not because she can't, although I do a better job of it. But because we like the opportunity to chat, I like doing something for her and she prefers me doing it. But in pretty much all other aspects of her life she is fiercely independent.

No its just me my eldest has left home and works and lives independently middle is at home but will hopefully find his way out (he is only 17 but struggling right now) youngest might be with me for a long time he needs so much supervision i literally have bells on doors to alert me if he tried to leave

YANBU

Our oldest is 11, autistic non-verbal and we definitely wash his hair. He uses it as a napkin and it is thicker compared to his 2 other siblings. Middle is 8 waiting to be assessed and very likely audhd like DH and he wets his hair and I help him because he has a lot of hair with a mix of different curls so he needs help with detangling and making sure we get all the product out of the parts he can’t see. He doesn’t like water on his face.

My sister and I are NT but our mother and aunts washed our hair or we were sent to the salon. I don’t think I actually washed my own hair myself often growing up until I went to uni. In several cultures, hair washing is done by a parent or relative for years, considered an act of bonding.

Not exactly out of the ordinary. Not sure how it’s that different from people who regularly go to the salon to have their hair done. My dad goes to have his hair cut every week at the barbers but shaves his face because he can see what he’s doing.

I still wash DS 10 hair and he’s NT.

I have a NT 10 year old. I still shampoo his hair twice a week. He would get upset with soap in his eyes etc and would do a terrible job 😂 so it’s better that I do it. My NT 13 year old does his own, I don’t think I’ll be washing hair forever.
Your mother needs to mind her own business.

That’s a good way of putting it, I never really thought of that

Is that because he prefers you to?

Haha that’s as good a reason as any. Is that done in the bath?

Hi @BakingN sorry I forgot to come back to the thread!
He usually has showers so I use the hand attachment thing and it’s all done in a minute

I do the same or he dunks his head in it’s in the bath

Of course YANBU.
My daughter is 12 and very confident and independent but she still likes me to wash her hair. I think it's partly a comforting bonding ritual now