AIBU to still wash my autistic 11-year-old son’s hair?

[BakingN]

My mum thinks it’s ridiculous that I still wash my DS11’s hair. He’s got autism and was diagnosed since he was 5 and whilst it doesn’t affect anything major he can struggle to make new friends etc. he’s not the best when it comes to washing his hair since it’s quite thick and I worry about dandruff with him having sensitive skin. I just think it’s nice for us to bond and I am teaching him how to do it himself but he likes me doing it and I like to make sure his hair is fully done. Is this bad parenting?

My son is 10 and I wash his hair in the shower. He showers by himself and then calls me to do the hair washing.

he has very long, thick hair and my son cannot stand any water trickling down his face, so he is face palm into a towel while I suds and rinse. He manages the shower himself in so far as it needs managing - he switches it on! - gets the temperature right, gets a towel and clean pjs ready. But I wash his hair and then I leave him to it again.

Anyway. Isn’t it fine? We won’t be doing it forever. He still sleeps in with me on occasion. Not so much for the cuddles but for the chats. I love it. I hear all his musings. And they are so very odd and wonderful.

I am aware this will all suddenly change when some awareness clicks in, and it will. Until then, this is where we are. Wash away I say!

I’m sorry to hear about the nurses comment. I fully get what you mean. Are both on the more functioning side of the spectrum?

Some children can’t wash properly and it isn’t unreasonable. I still help my 14 year old daughter with some personal care as she’s not doing it properly yet. She also has autism.

My 11 year old dd has curls. Naturally wants to tangle/hard work hair. No autism. I help her. If I didnt.....I hate to think how it would be after a week. Dont go by his age go by his stage is my only advice. Kids are all different and he will be learning everything you do it.

They are in some ways and not in others. It’s a bit like having a mix of toddlers and adults at times (with teen hormones thrown in for good measure). They definitely keep me on my toes!

Really what I mean is that I think you’re doing the right thing. Other people get het up about support given not being “normal” or age appropriate but the truth is that ND kids will do stuff in their own way and in their own time. They just need support, love and the space free of judgment to be able to do that and unhelpful comments from, even well meaning, relatives can be really quite damaging.

My son is just 13 and literally, this last month he has cracked hair washing. His is long (And absolutely stunning as its like golden thread), but you can tell quickly if its not washed properly.

I had to as his dads bald - and has made not much motivation on teaching him any hygiene stuff....cos he was in a mum only house, so not sure he knows how to do it (apparently cos I birthed them, I do know, must be that parenting guide they stick in you after they wheek the kid out....).

TBH, when he hit puberty he was like "I shall be handling this myself from this point forward" (insert touching teepee fingers here).
I've only had to do it when he is absolutely knackered and he's asks. Still have to dry it though as not mastered brushing + drying it yet. But his still still struggled with that till she was 14 (And I still struggle with my own hair!)

My autistic daughter goes to the hairdresser weekly to have her hair washed. I was certainly still washing her hair at 11

That’s a good idea although I’d imagine it gets expensive?

OP my 3 children are aged 15, 16 and 18 and are NT and I still wash their hair occasionally. DD 18 has long hair and the boys are just not great at getting the suds out (hair looks greasy). If they have a full shower they do it but sometimes they just want their hair washed and may ask me as I am so quick at it. I have no problem doing it.

I don't think my local hairdresser would charge very much, I'll ask her next time I'm in (won't be another moth or so)

My friends husband washes her hair for her at least once a week, it saves them
money & the time/hassle of the hairdressers.

if you have someone willing do it at home, why not?

I still wash my 18 year old autistic son’s hair too OP. He doesn’t have an intellectual disability but has MH issues as well as sensory issues and poor coordination. He has long hair.

If I didn’t wash it it wouldn’t get done very often, if at all. He needs a lot more support than his peers. That’s just the way it is.

You know your DS best OP, and if he still needs help then it’s good he has you there to support him.

I still wash my 35 year old autistic son's hair. Have to as otherwise it wouldn't get done properly.

It's her son...so she has obviously seen his willy...and will see it many more times. It's a willy, when he doesn't want her to see it he'll say... come on stop with the Victorian ideal of proprietary. Do you have covers so men don't get to see the legs on your table in case they get excited?

You don't actually need to be naked to wash hair so the privacy issue isn't even relevant.

Currently he doesn’t mind being seen nude but I’m sure as he gets older he may want more privacy and like you say he doesn't need to be nude for me to wash his hair he can do it with undies on

If it works for you and him it's not your mums business.
Theres lots of things that us parents/carers of ND kids do that make no sense to other people but we do them because they make life easier all round.

X

My autistic son is at university. He lives in halls to gain independence and is doing great, but he comes home at weekends so his Dad can wash his hair for him.

I wiped DS’s bum after a poo up to the age of seven and he’s not autistic.
He was wiping his own bum by eight.
Washing your boy’s hair is fine compared to our family shenanigans.
Tell your mum to keep her beak out.

In fairness I have washed ond of my custers hair over the kitchen sink...im a man she is a mature lady who is housebound and her hair dresser couldn't come

Exactly the same here! On the odd occasion she's washed it herself, I've had to redo it as she never washes out the conditioner properly anyway. She has hair down to her bum, and doesn't want it cut, so I have to help with brushing and washing. If I left her to it she'd end up looking like Newton Faulkner pre-2024 within a week.

Op, there's nothing wrong with helping them with their personal hygiene while they're still learning. Hopefully overtime he will learn to do it himself, but 11 is still very young and if you know he's not going to be able to ensure it's clean, and avoid dandruff flare-ups then obviously helping and guiding him is the correct choice.

That’s very sweet

Just say to her 'You parented your way, and I'll parent my way. I'm happy with my choices."

The nurse's comment was disgraceful, you could complain if you can be bothered.

Well it’s none of her business is it? Why is she so concerned with this. You’re being a caring loving parent.

I still wash my 13yo lads hair, tbh I can see me or OH helping with shaving in a year or 2