AIBU to still wash my autistic 11-year-old son’s hair?

[BakingN]

My mum thinks it’s ridiculous that I still wash my DS11’s hair. He’s got autism and was diagnosed since he was 5 and whilst it doesn’t affect anything major he can struggle to make new friends etc. he’s not the best when it comes to washing his hair since it’s quite thick and I worry about dandruff with him having sensitive skin. I just think it’s nice for us to bond and I am teaching him how to do it himself but he likes me doing it and I like to make sure his hair is fully done. Is this bad parenting?

I’m 65 and love having my hair washed at the hairdresser. My ideal would be a hairdresser in a box in my house who would do it every time!!! Wash the child’s hair, it’s a nice thing to do.

Wow washing kids hair is one of my most hated parenting tasks, so that is the main reason I teach them to do it as early as possible. Water sloshing everywhere, they can’t just stand there and let me do it - absolutely hate it! 7yr old dd almost there, sometimes doesn’t rinse the front properly but fairly competent. DD10 would be mortified to have me in the bathroom with her.

But it sounds like it works for you both so who cares what your mum thinks. My only reservation is will he be able to do it himself if required, ie at a single sex changing room or school lessons?

I have to literally support my autistic 13 year old son shower including hair on his head

My other autistic child was i believe 14 when I stopped doing his hair (he could shower independently just not the hair so we did the hair separately)

My other child was about 8 when she could shower and was hair independently

All three autistic all three different needs

My MIL is full of helpful comments about things my 8-year old autistic son 'ought to be doing for himself'.

There are various personal care tasks I have to help him with as he either forgets entirely or doesn't do a great job if left to his own devices. I do try and model/talk him through the steps so he know what's expected, but it's often slow going!

So what age will you stop washing your son’s hair?

That sounds like you’ve had a big responsibility. Did/do you have help from family?

When he doesn’t want me to anymore due to wanting more privacy. So far he doesn’t mind at all and is comfortable

This is absolutely not bad parenting. If I understand correctly he can actually do it himself but enjoys it more when you do it. There's nothing wrong with that. Who cares what other people think? As long as both of you are happy with this keep going.
Far too many people have far too many opinions on things that are completely irrelevant to them. You need to start ignoring them. You are his mum and know him better than anyone. Be confident in doing what's working for you!
💐

who cares?
whatever age he is when he can do it competently on his own.

my cousin's adult son with autism still has his hair washed by his parents several times a month. He lives independently, but they help him with housework etc & often wash his gaur for him while they're there. He does wash it himself in the shower, but HATES it so often doesn't do a great job, them helping just helps. He doesn't give one tiny crap about them helping him. 'They're my mum & dad'

it concerns NO ONE outside the 3 of them

@BakingN carry on being his lovely Mum. Tell your Mum you will keep helping him for as long as he needs & wants you to & it's not up for discussion. Your DH doesn't seem to understand DS's additional needs. Is he generally dismissive of his needs?

Thank you I appreciate the support. Yeah it’s been a tough time. We are in the muddle of a split up because he’s just not a good dad in the slightest. Doesn’t seem to care at all and so our son always comes to me if he needs anything. I just worry for him as I am not male so I don’t know about things like male puberty etc

If you are talking about my mum, I don’t really. I keep her at arms length these days as does my brother and sister. Long story but her parenting style was very corporal and controlling.

I'm sorry DH isn't a good Dad to DS (do you have other children?).

Will your life be easier or harder without him?

Does your Mum think 'pandering' to DS is what's causing your marriage to break down?

Im sorry the two people who should be 'in this' with you, aren't.🤗

you & DS are a team 💕 & hooefulky when you split from 'D'H others might be it's supportive xx

OK as the mother of an autistic son I dont think that him not minding is a good reason. If he needs the help fine, but if this is something he could do for himself then you should be guiding him towards that. Children with asd develop differently but they should develop. And being happy to sit back andet mummy do it all is not the preserve of boys with asd.

Are you prone to exaggeration and hyperbole? How does a disagreement about hair washing made her parenting disgusting?

What a strange word to use anyway, where disgust comes into it?

My 13 year old has Dyspraxia and I occasionally wash his hair over the bath as he sometimes uses too much shampoo and doesn’t wash it out properly.
I still wash my 9 year old as he is Autistic and has learning disabilities and is unable to take care of his own personal hygiene.

It sounds like he may be at a point where he can wash it and you just check it’s rinsed properly? Start gradually moving towards that independence more.

DS is 16 and only just at the washing himself (with reminders!) stage so I’m not judging at all just going off how I read your post.

You are in best position to judge what is right for your son. Ignore any criticism. At some point your son will decide he would prefer to do his own. In meantime enjoy the chance to pamper him x

This! My adult ND son has the most beautiful long curly hair and I love combing and putting a product in it when he lets me! It’s one less thing for him to worry about. (He lets his Dad do it more often though 😩!)

Thank you. I think it will take some adjusting but overall it will be better. I have another DS yeah.

No I don’t think she does. She just likes to pass judgement on others willy-nilly

thank you I appreciate that xx

Is your oldest happy/ok with you doing it still?

I have two children who have ASD diagnoses. I washed their hair for as long as they needed me to (I think about age 15 for my daughter and 14 for my son). They still need me to help out from time to time and both find showering and physical hygiene routines tricky (espy my daughter who also has ADHD).

A nurse recently pissed me off when she was taking my son’s blood. He’s petrified of it and needs to hold me hand to have it done. His palms are seriously sweaty as they take the blood as he finds it so frightening. He’s 15 now. He needs lots of blood tests as he has Crohn’s. I said something to him while he was having his nail cuts like “oh, I’ll give your nails a cut when we get home love as they’re getting a bit long”. The nurse interjected by scoffing “a big boy like you needing your nails cutting by your mum?!!”. He went bright red with embarrassment. But he does need my help and likely will for a while yet. I should have said something to her but I needed to get my son out of the room as he was starting to panic.

Other people’s opinions of how much support your ND child needs are of absolutely fuck all worth. Only you and your children will know the fine detail of what support they need (and how that’s changing). Anyone else can get stuffed. Including grandparents who, if they’re anything like my children’s remaining grandparents, have all the opinions and not a first fucking clue.

My daughter is 10 nearly 11 and I still help her wash her hair because she doesn’t get all the shampoo out! It’s long and quite thick! They all get there at their own pace and some say will always need support but it’s fine I wouldn’t worry at all.

I don’t think YABU at all. You know your child best and will know when they are ready to take on doing this for themselves. But I know as a mum to a DS with SEN myself that sometimes we are on autopilot going through each step of the routine we’ve done for years and you can sometimes forget that they need to start taking care of themselves at some point so I get it’s tough to know when that time is!

He’s fine with it as he only needs his top off for me to do it. Only reason he’s ever not happy is if he’d rather be chatting to his mates online.

Perfect!

My DS is 18 and has autism and learning difficulties … I still wash his thick hair.

His brother is Neurotypical. I used to wash his hair, and then when he got to the point of wanting more privacy and to do it himself, I stopped. Simple.

I think you’re doing a great job, OP!