AIBU to still wash my autistic 11-year-old son’s hair?

[BakingN]

My mum thinks it’s ridiculous that I still wash my DS11’s hair. He’s got autism and was diagnosed since he was 5 and whilst it doesn’t affect anything major he can struggle to make new friends etc. he’s not the best when it comes to washing his hair since it’s quite thick and I worry about dandruff with him having sensitive skin. I just think it’s nice for us to bond and I am teaching him how to do it himself but he likes me doing it and I like to make sure his hair is fully done. Is this bad parenting?

Why would that be in any way unreasonable?

Because she said I’m babying him too much and my husband doesn’t really say much other than shrug so I’m a bit paranoid

My autistic daughter is 18.
I still wash her hair.

No of course it's not bad parenting. Maybe as he heads towards puberty it works be a good idea for him to do it himself and to have private baths etc.

Yes. Your mums parenting is disgusting. Take this as a message to never take advice from her.

its lovely washing the kids hair at whatever age. Could be useful to teach him how to do it in the shower too xx

I think at this age you need to be aiming on developing independence and focus on moving towards teaching, then supervising. An 11 year old with SEN in mainstream school should be able to do this under supervision and/or prompting.

Thanks. She was never great with me but I think from growing up with a sort of military attitude I second guess myself a lot

You know your son better than your mum. It’s honestly none of her business! In an ideal world your son would be washing his own hair but if he struggles with it then you’re just being a good mum.

There will come a time in the not so distant future that he won’t want you anywhere near him while he’s in the bathroom and as long as you respect that then 🤷🏽‍♀️

tbh I wish my son would let me wash his hair - he makes a shocking job of it 🤣

I still wash my DDs hair. Shes 12 and neurotypical (sorry if wrong term). Hair is quite long though and we enjoy a chat when shes in the bath. (she refuses to shower).

I still do the same for my ten-year-old son with ASD. A lot of this sort of thing is what’s outlined on the dla forms etc, disability means children can struggle with these things compared to typical children.

I do it for my 12 year old son with autism.
Not all people with autism are considered disabled. But there are areas where they require more support where neurotypical people won't. You, above ALL others, know your child's needs and you meet them. Trust yourself! Everything else is just noise.
You're not mollycoddling him. Your supporting his needs. Hair washing can be an utter nightmare for anyone with sensory issues. You understand this. Ignore anyone else who doesn't. Until they walk a mile in your shoes, their opinion/unwanted advice isn't even worth giving airtime to.
HUGS, OP!

I think it's fine. Having said that, I'd be encouraging him to at least learn or do it himself sometimes as a way to continue to encourage and drive independence and confidence.

My 11 year old is not autistic and I occasionally help him wash his hair in the bath. He doesn't do it very well so sometimes a more thorough job is needed. Hasn't occurred to me to see this as a problem!

It’s a nice thing to do for him, and as you say you know then it’s being done properly. Sooner or later he’ll hit that puberty stage where he’ll become independent and won’t want you doing it, so do it for as long as he lets you!! Absolutely nothing wrong it it!!
I would have washed my eldest until she wanted to do it herself. Her hair was down to her bottom and so so thick, half times she didn’t do it properly and it done my head in

Thank you I appreciate the confirmation

Yeah my thoughts exactly. The curse of extra thick hair haha

If he can’t wash his own hair properly, it’s fine to do it. But you should be encouraging independence at his age.

Your DM is way too invested in how you care for your DS. He is ND, of course he’s likely to need more support and for longer. Does your DM think that by not supporting him with daily tasks he’ll suddenly morph into being NT?

"Normal" parenting rules often don't apply to asd kids ❤️ We are strong and we adapt to what is required to survive, and anyone else's opinions who do not live with it are worth fuck all.

Echoed above, as long as you are teaching him and letting him have a go, he will get there. Wherever "there" is, is highly subjective when it comes to autism, and anyone with a problem can seriously mind their own business.

Nothing wrong with helping your kid to wash his hair. Don’t listen to your mum.

I have to help my 12 yo son with ASD with toileting at times as he just cannot grasp various hygeine requirements, helping with hair washing isnt at all unreasonable! You know your child and their needs best, ignore anyone else

Thank you! I really appreciate that. My husband is useless

My autistic son is 18 but I still wash his hair. He finds showering really difficult as he hates water. He can cope with showering his body as he understands he needs to be clean but the additional sensory load of water on his head is too much. I would much rather help him with this compromise than have a teen who couldn’t face washing at all. That would be the case if I took a black and white view; as @Hamelasays, we adapt to survive. The views of people who haven’t lived it count for nothing. Remember you know your child best.

Thanks a lot, I hope you have some support

It’s not bad parenting, just start working towards him doing it himself. He will start wanting some privacy soon.
Maybe next time say you’ve got to check on something and will check he’s got the shampoo out when he’s had a go.