AIBU to think my husband is overreacting to seeing uni friends?

[Flowerlotuss]

Hi 😊 I’m a bit confused and don’t understand what I’ve done wrong here. I don’t really get to see my friends, especially since uni days. We all live in different cities and years can go by without seeing them. As you can imagine, not having much of external social interaction outside of your husband/kids can take its toll now and then - and it’s not like I can rely on my in-laws since my husband has cut off most of his family so it’s been hard to maintain those connections.
Anyway, when my friends do happen to be in my city, we make plans to catch up, and it’s not even like a night out on the town, it’s usually a simple meal or they might come to the house. On this occasion, we chose to have a nice meal at a restaurant and I had to rush back home due to childcare. My friend dropped me back and brought one of our other uni friends (she’s closer to him than me, but I know him from uni and we get on well). She wanted to see the kids and give them a cuddle. My husband was at home and I already knew it would cause problems - he’s got this weird objection to the male friend. He behaved civilly and greeted them but as I know him well I could see he was secretly seething. I don’t even speak to him (the make friend) but my main friend always brings him everywhere and I thought it’s just harmless. But it caused a problem and my husband wrote really mean messages to me afterwards - I mean, what have I really done wrong here? Am I not allowed to see my uni friends, that I hardly even see anyways? I already sometimes feel isolated from socialising. Then he wrote that I can’t catch up with friends anymore and they can only come to the house - whatever that means.

"He wrote to you giving a list of instructions" ! Whaaat!!??
Does he support the Taliban?
How will he control your children as they grow and develop?

Wait until he makes judgemental remarks about what you wear, & make up.
Hates that you make any connections at the gym, book club, swimming..

If he wants your marriage to last more than the next 15 minutes, he needs to understand that:
He does not own you
He does not decide who, when or what you see or do
If he doesnt understand that closing you off in a box is going to make you unhappy he should take a long look at himself, & get therapy.
Being judgemental & jealous (& giving you silent treatment ?) makes you unhappy. You will not bring up your DC in that dynamic.
The double standards are staggering.
He should want you to be happy, support you & encourage your social life.
If not it will kill the marriage.
Loving someone does not mean Possession
Communication is not acceptable by ultimatums by text

Controlling abusive men do not change, are excellent manipulators & nod & sympathise, but remain inately insecure & insanely jealous.
You shine, He knows You are the driving force in the couple. He actually hates being 2nd.

In a nutshell, your marriage is on rocky ground.

Why did you need to go home due to ‘childcare’ when your husband was home?

Should read “ultimatum by text”
unable to edit

I used that work colleague example to show that I’m fine with my husband having female friends, imagine if after she’d left I exploded with anger and sent mean messages - it would have been a major problem! There’s even been occasions where we had this neighbour ( female) and my husband would go round to her house to help her fix things - I didn’t complain or object or anything. However, she may have had ulterior motives and my husband didn’t feel comfortable around her as she’d always supposedly lose her keys and need to stay at ours and he ended up cutting her off too. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you can’t lose composure whenever anyone of the opposite sex has contact with your partner - as long as it’s appropriate and transparent and you’re both comfortable then it’s okay.

I really think you should say to him why is it okay for you to bring a female colleague to the house but you can't bring this male (kind of) friend to the house? Or meet in a group. Like make it make sense. Just say to him is it guilt talking or something? Put the onus back onto him.

He had work and the arrangements I’d made cancelled last minute.

He’s a nasty controlling bully. Not allowed to get a word in edgeways? Oh hell no….

Op you keep saying it’s weird or baffling. You are trying to find a way for your husbands behaviour to be ok.

We are all telling you it isn’t.

so what do you do next? Is there a reason you have this power imbalance in your marriage? Was it arranged for you? Are you both very young?

if you want things to be different you two need to be able to talk about anything. Not avoid subjects due to a reaction. You might need therapy or other support outside of the home.

Your husband is a cunt.

Am I not allowed to see my uni friends, that I hardly even see anyways? I already sometimes feel isolated from socialising. Then he wrote that I can’t catch up with friends anymore and they can only come to the house - whatever that means.

This is borderline abusive.

Coercive control is illegal, and he's exercising control in ways that appear from your account to be coercive: responding to you seeing friends and going out in abusive and emotionally blackmailing ways.

You don't need to negotiate boundaries. It's your house! There's a lot you don't seem to know, and talk of weird vibes... it's clear your don't have clear communications. Go get couples therapy. Tell him refusal to go is a deal breaker.

You’re in an abusive relationship.
He is displaying coercive behaviour which is worrying as that can escalate.
Please consider confiding in your friends or family.

You say you’re not reacting to it and ignoring it but I sense you aren’t prepared to confront him over this behaviour and have a conversation where you challenge the way he’s acted.
This is not healthy and I think you know it

Today I am going out for lunch, with one of my male friends from university. I am married, my husband isn’t coming (why would he?), so it just me and uni friend.

I did not ask my husband permission to go, all I’ve asked for is a lift to the train station in case I fancied a drink.

My uni friend is single, going through a rather difficult divorce.

My husband is not faintly bothered by any of this, just wishes me a good time.

We have been together for 25 years, and never have either of us told the other who you should / shouldn’t see, or where you should see them. We trust and respect each other, and those boundaries are quite enough.

You do not need to live your life with a man who controls, manipulates, and doesn’t trust you. There is a world out there of better relationships, or even a happier single life.

OP this abusive and I feel like you're trying to explain it away or 'understand' it.

Its abuse and control. Even the fact youre avoiding any confrontation with him is concerning

OP as I think you can see; thats abuse. Please get some support to leave

OP, you are thinking about this in a logical sense but your husband's behaviour has no logic! Of course his reaction towards the situation is bewildering, because it's not normal!

He's not interested in having an adult conversation with you. He's not interested in your point of view or opinions. He wants you isolated, with no friends or social life... that's his goal. He's jealous, insecure and doesn't trust you. He doesn't want you having male friends, he doesn't want men in his home, he doesn't want you socialising where there is a chance of you coming into contact with other men. He doesn't want you around any man, other than him (or your son if you have one).

His thinking is irrational. It's controlling, which makes it abusive. Nothing you say or do, will ever be enough to make it 'right'. You can't fix him.

None of this is your fault. You aren't to blame for his behaviour. I know it's hard to understand and accept, but you are in a controlling and abusive relationship. I have been where you are...although thankfully I didn't have children with him and we weren't married. It doesn't get any better.

Hi @Flowerlotuss

You're trying to "make sense of things" based on your normal world view - but they WON'T make sense, because what he's doing is NOT normal.

What he is doing is controlling and abusive.

He doesn't want to have "a proper adult conversation" with you.

He isn't interested in YOUR boundaries.
Only his.

He just wants to tell you what you have to do, how you have to behave, and have you comply.

This is not a marriage of equal partners.

I hope you use this experience to do some serious reflection on your marriage - what you have already accepted, and what might still be to come.
Consider his and your wider relationships.
Consider your DC - how will this environment affect them?

💐

Boundaries are about what a person will or will not allow in relation to things that belong to them and that they are entitled to control - so your own time, money, body, property etc. Telling someone else what they can do isn't a boundary, it's being controlling.

If he won't have discussions like an adult you are just going to have to tell him - that you'll be seeing what friends you want, when you want, etc. And that you are not going to let him boss you around. You are allowed to just say no.

What will happen next is that when you say you want to meet up with a friend he will make it very difficult - give you the silent treatment in the lead up and then go awol when he is meant to be looking after the kids.

Are you sure the reason for the childcare cancellation was legit and not due to something your DH did or said to the babysitter?

I dont think there's much more to say really. You're dine with it because you're comfortable with normal and healthy relationships.

He isn't. It's why he sends you those photos and seethes.

You can't reason with crazy. There isn't a compromise here. There's either a split or a lifetime of ups and downs where you try to temper his (unreasonable) frustrations while he may occasionally play along and "try" to change, alongside trying to make the best of the ok times. There isn't really an in-between.

I'm sorry, because I know its tough from experience x

Have you pointed this BLATANT hypocrisy out to him? This is the kind of thing that boils my piss! He would have been ok with you visiting a male neighbour to cook for him or help tidy his house would he, which is the equivalent to what he was doing for her.

I’ve asked before but why on earth haven’t you compared this incident to him bringing back a FEMALE colleague into YOUR house?! It’s exactly the same thing!

Your laid back attitude is making you a doormat OP and allowing him to think his over reactions are acceptable bc you’re tolerating them. Are you secretly pleased he gets jealous regarding other men? If not, why don’t you confront him?