AIBU to think my husband is overreacting to seeing uni friends?

[Flowerlotuss]

Hi 😊 I’m a bit confused and don’t understand what I’ve done wrong here. I don’t really get to see my friends, especially since uni days. We all live in different cities and years can go by without seeing them. As you can imagine, not having much of external social interaction outside of your husband/kids can take its toll now and then - and it’s not like I can rely on my in-laws since my husband has cut off most of his family so it’s been hard to maintain those connections.
Anyway, when my friends do happen to be in my city, we make plans to catch up, and it’s not even like a night out on the town, it’s usually a simple meal or they might come to the house. On this occasion, we chose to have a nice meal at a restaurant and I had to rush back home due to childcare. My friend dropped me back and brought one of our other uni friends (she’s closer to him than me, but I know him from uni and we get on well). She wanted to see the kids and give them a cuddle. My husband was at home and I already knew it would cause problems - he’s got this weird objection to the male friend. He behaved civilly and greeted them but as I know him well I could see he was secretly seething. I don’t even speak to him (the make friend) but my main friend always brings him everywhere and I thought it’s just harmless. But it caused a problem and my husband wrote really mean messages to me afterwards - I mean, what have I really done wrong here? Am I not allowed to see my uni friends, that I hardly even see anyways? I already sometimes feel isolated from socialising. Then he wrote that I can’t catch up with friends anymore and they can only come to the house - whatever that means.

They may be frightened for you. Not want to cause reaction with him

Please be careful to be safe, DH sounds dangerous

Can I ask why you don’t have much social interactions outside the family? What about mum friends from baby groups / school or work.

Oh ok, so that really is a good thing. It does seem strange he’s trying to control some relationships but not your own family. Keep on reaching out to them

Yes, I’m so glad my kids love their grandparents and aunties - it’s refreshing but it’s sad they don’t get to see other family. It’s a weird complicated situation.

Most of my friends live far away, and aside from that, I am generally introverted so I do actually enjoy being at home and chilling. But I also love socialising when the opportunity arises - a bit of an ambivert.

wait what do you mean?

I mean these behaviours escalate. He sounds frightening.

The fact his family are wary may mean they know he is volatile, are relieved he as taken his drama elsewhere, are frightened to get involved in any way

Do you know if he has a history of this behaviour? Claire's Law?

It seems like a basic incompatibility to me - simply different opinions on what is acceptable behaviour from two people who are married.

Is the male friend single? If the male friend was the husband of your female friend then your husband would probably not be acting the way he is.

I suggest you take your husband with you in future then he will gradually get to know these friends of yours - either that or divorce.

🚩 he’s controlling you

He sends you photos of female colleagues, brings one home yet dictates about your friends?
I’ll take a wild guess he’s shagging the colleague.

Just ignore him, you’re a grown up. Don’t be told what you can and can’t do.

I think you need to be very careful & evaluate where your relationship is going. The fact is that you can see he is trying to isolate you from your family but are staying with him. What about when your children are older & he tries to alienate you from them?

This one is not a keeper. Take your own advice & get out as quickly & safely as you can. 💐

My husband doesn’t know the male friend. I don’t make arrangements to see him, I only happen to see him because when my friend comes into town, she tries to catch up with everyone from uni and he’s included so she tags him along to all our gatherings😭 and because I know him as well, it’s nice to all catch up. But he is single - my female friend is also single. But their relationship is strictly platonic

It might be the latter, they don’t want to get involved because he won’t give them the time of day. Well I’ve already ignored his intimidation tactics and went ahead and made arrangements with my friend. I’m trying to set a standard and boundary that healthy and appropriate friendships outside of marriage are important.

He sounds very insecure. Thats why he was quietly seething in the corner. He felt threatened by the other guy.

What did his “mean message” to you say?

It's far more than "a basic incompatibility"

Did they cancel with you directly, or did DH pass this message along?

Paraphrasing but it was something along the lines of how could I bring a man to his house and that I shouldn’t go out to meet up with friends and if they want to catch up they can come to the house (ironic as he’d probably try to find some excuse to object) and other intimidating and mean things I don’t want to repeat. It’s baffling that the part he’s focusing on is the male friend making an appearance. Not me catching up with my main uni friend, not the socialising being maintained and me being to enjoy myself and have some time to unwind as a mum, not him getting to meet with my friends etc but no, somehow, his main focus is me “bringing a man to his house”.

This. Tell him you are a grown up and will see your friends as you wish. This is a marriage ending issue. He is not your jailer.

Good, let us know how it goes.
maybe he brought the female colleague back as a ploy and you were supposed to get angry at his hypocrisy and he would use that to justify his controlling you.

So, he wants to control how you see your friends, even if it is occasionally. This is not normal behaviour, he doesn’t trust you, I wonder why… Guilt perhaps?

Over the years, I’ve gone to many catchups with university friends, my husband’s reaction was usually “Have fun, let me know when you’re coming back “ or “Do you want me to drive?” Depending on the circumstances. That’s how it should work.

Hi @Flowerlotuss

Why was your DH messaging you and not actually talking to you?

What he's doing is not normal - it's very controlling behaviour.

Does he try to control you in other ways eg your clothes, access to money...

Do you tell him he is being controlling and you do not accept it?

Are you scared of him?

'Then he wrote that I can’t catch up with friends anymore and they can only come to the house - whatever that means.'

Hell would literally freeze over before any man told me what to do!

And did you remind him of female colleague?

Its not just his house - its yours as well

Are you scared of him and how he reacts?