AIBU to think my husband is overreacting to seeing uni friends?

[Flowerlotuss]

Hi 😊 I’m a bit confused and don’t understand what I’ve done wrong here. I don’t really get to see my friends, especially since uni days. We all live in different cities and years can go by without seeing them. As you can imagine, not having much of external social interaction outside of your husband/kids can take its toll now and then - and it’s not like I can rely on my in-laws since my husband has cut off most of his family so it’s been hard to maintain those connections.
Anyway, when my friends do happen to be in my city, we make plans to catch up, and it’s not even like a night out on the town, it’s usually a simple meal or they might come to the house. On this occasion, we chose to have a nice meal at a restaurant and I had to rush back home due to childcare. My friend dropped me back and brought one of our other uni friends (she’s closer to him than me, but I know him from uni and we get on well). She wanted to see the kids and give them a cuddle. My husband was at home and I already knew it would cause problems - he’s got this weird objection to the male friend. He behaved civilly and greeted them but as I know him well I could see he was secretly seething. I don’t even speak to him (the make friend) but my main friend always brings him everywhere and I thought it’s just harmless. But it caused a problem and my husband wrote really mean messages to me afterwards - I mean, what have I really done wrong here? Am I not allowed to see my uni friends, that I hardly even see anyways? I already sometimes feel isolated from socialising. Then he wrote that I can’t catch up with friends anymore and they can only come to the house - whatever that means.

Your poor, poor children, being around this father and learning this is normal. You need to run - and run fast.

Why are you making excuses for the husband? Even if this male friend (and it doesn’t sound like he is a specific friend of the OP, just someone from the group), is single - what does that matter? He’s not going to lunge for the OP - he might even be gay or unattractive to the OP (or vice versa).

i hope both you and OP can tell your partners to bog off and get out to see your friends as often as you like. keep meeting up with your mate, as you said yourself you’ve done nothing wrong and partner will need to like it or lump it

I've met up with old friends for the weekend at least twice a year since we all had kids and our DHs have the kids. That's the norm for me.

what a weird view to have. Why are you defending a what is by the sounds of it, a very controlling man? It’s not 1950 and OP should be able to see friends, male or female whenever she likes without it being an issue.

I can’t even imagine putting up with this. I run and because of my pace, I mainly run with men. We often socialise together too. I have brought men I have been on a run with back to my house and introduced them to DH. You have to have trust in a relationship. OP was just going out with her friends. Her husband doesn’t own her and if one of those friends happens to be male he needs to suck his own involuntary jealousy up and not be a dick to his wife because of his own insecurities.

My ex used to do this (although to my face rather than messaging).

My friends could see what was going on but I couldn’t.

It was of course only one of the ways that he controlled me. He dressed it up as love.

I’m much happier post divorce. A lot less lonely!

Is your dh gay/bi ?

Could explain a lot of his behaviour and cutting off family as they have discovered his “secret”

OP I fear your husband is either projecting re the woman from his work or otherwise being a general controlling cow. It’s your house as much as it’s his, you should be able to invite in whoever you like and he should be nothing but polite and welcoming. if this is out of character for him i’d try and get to the bottom of whatever is setting him off (could he just be jealous that you’ve got friends to stay in touch with and he hasn’t?) but if he’s always this nasty and hypocritical i’d tell him to grow up and have a think about whether you want to put up with him being this unreasonable forever

But HE (your husband) has previously brought a WOMAN to the house?? Doesn't matter who she is / that she's a work colleague. That's double standards.

OP you keep explaining about your friend bringing this man to the house and not you as if we need justification. We don’t. We already know because you are truthful.
This man you live with is an abusive, controlling arsehole.

What the hell is he thinking, that he can tell a grown woman what to do and who to see? What a miserable, hypocritical, controlling twit of a man.

Get out now. This will only get worse.

Your husband is a controlling twat. He doesn't like you having friends or going out to socialise, in case you interact with men. You have no social life, and that's how your husband wants it to be. Telling you that your uni friends can only visit you at home means, he's there keeping an eye on you and the people you are with.

You haven't done anything wrong OP at all. Your husband is the one with a serious jealousy and insecurity issue, that manifests itself into him controlling who you see/when.

You won't be able to reason with him. Any attempt will be met with 'why are you so keen to go out', 'why do you want to be away from your family', 'who are you really wanting to see'. In the end, you'll stop and you won't mention going out again, because it's easier to appease your husband. He's then won.

This type of behaviour often escalates into other areas. It won't get any better OP. He'll erode away any self-esteem you have, until you're a shell of yourself.

His behaviour isn't normal on any level. Please for your own sake end the marriage, his behaviour is abusive.

Don’t pander to his tantrum.
Ignore him.
He’ll have to get over it. And don’t let him dictate who you can see or where you can go.

Actually, it seems your husband is controlling you. I would leave him very quickly and / or tell him i will go out where and when i want

Absolutely do not feel you need to take your DH with you. Pandering to his insecurities, what shit advice!

You need to have a conversation with him, explain your friends are important and how little you see them.

Then start to make friends where you live. Do you work? Can you join a gym? A club of some sort either alone or with the DC? Any school mum? Any volunteering?

You need to spread your wings and get a life outside your DH/DC.

What did you reply? I hope you told him you will see who you like, where you like. If not, do it now.

He's trying to isolate you. He's cut off his family, he's trying to keep you from your friends - next it will be your family. Don't allow it.

This, literally nothing you can do or say will make him accept you are an autonomous human being who has a simple right to be around other people. He is absolutely never going to say “have a good night?” When you walk in, it will always be a battle.

This is no way to live and your children shouldn’t grow up thinking it’s normal to be controlling or controlled.

I’d tell my husband to fuck off if he thought he could send me abusive messages because I saw an old friend. Absolutely not ok.

I agree with the majority of these messages. And ask yourself, why does your husband think that he has the right to tell you who you should socialise with and where?

I can answer that, he thinks it because deep down he believes that you are his property and that he is better than you.

He doesn't respect you as an individual, only as something that belongs to him. You deserve better than him.

All shades of wrong going on here

Your H has cut off most of his family.

You had to go home from an evening out because of childcare when your H was at home.

He's controlling who you can see. And when/how.

He communicates by messages.

You have big problems, OP.

That's because you're not an abusive controlling dick. You don't need to understand him in order to say that it's not OK.

Yes I know, I’m not going to try and have a discussion because I won’t get a word in edgeways - but yeah, just absurd behaviour.

I haven’t replied to his messages, he seems calmer this morning but obviously I know he’s still irritated - but I’m not reacting to it that’s why there’s no where for him to put his anger.

Okay I understand everything you’re saying, but I’m more bewildered at his reactions and trying to make sense of things but the issue is he doesn’t like to have proper adult conversations to try and understand each other - if he’d calmly explained to me afterwards that having the male friend at the house makes him a bit uncomfortable for whatever reason then it could open up room to discuss our boundaries and what’s acceptable or not for us.