AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

OP, you say his behaviour is ‘not that bad’ but put what he did into any other context - how acceptable would it be? If you kick d a door in to someone’s office at work, what would happen? You’d be fired and probably arrested. If your child punched a hole in a wall at school - they would be suspended (at best) and social services would be involved, possibly police. You’d be expected to get them serious therapy to correct their behaviour.
So why, in your own home, should you be expected to get on with it?

Op, how you "feel" is scared and a nervous wreck as a direct result of HIS behaviour. No decent man would EVER do those things to an already vulnerable woman. He has got you exactly where he wants you to be
Please see this "relationship" for what it is, abusive.
I'm sending you a hug and hoping you can free yourself from the grip he has on you. Xx

Where were your DC when this was happening?

You are clearly scared of this man.

My DH shouts at the TV on occasionally watching football but he could never scare me, me DC or even the cat.

You feel empowered because you are a wife and a mum.. please use this to make changes to your DC lives.

It's been at this very low level for the whole relationship.

If there is such a thing as an "abusive relationship scale", this is a 9 out of 10. Literally the only thing left is for him to hit you, which he hasn't "needed" to do because you are already scared, and act accordingly.

When the day comes (not if!) where he does something you won't accept, he will hit you. The question is, where is that line? Some kind of excessively harsh punishment dished out to one of the children? Or is it all ok as long as he doesn't hit them?

Are you sure he didn't witness any abuse of other people? Men abusing women? And absorbed the message that it's "betrayal" for anyone in the family to tell anyone outside? And maybe that a bit of door-smashing or whatever isn't really abuse anyway? He's learnt this behaviour and these attitudes somewhere.

life is too short to live in fear. I have been married for over 32 years, I have never once been in fear of my husband in all those years.

Unfortunately sometimes people cant see how bad things are when they are in the situation, you need to leave, men like this won’t ever change.

OP refuses to engage with this. I've already pointed out how shit this situation is for their childhoods and she isn't engaging. Shit parenting to be honest. She needs to leave for their sakes.

How many times has he been arrested and/or lost his job?

He can’t go kicking down the doors of customers homes or punching holes in the walls of the office, even if he’s not directly hitting anyone - but as you say he can’t help himself as he is naturally an angry man and so he must have done this at work or out shopping etc.

So I’m wondering how often he gets arrested or loses his job over his violent outbursts?

The title of your thread says it. You feel unsafe with him/in your own home. That is not how it's meant to be. Your spouse is meant to be your person, the one who is on your side, your team.

Please, for your girls. Break the cycle. Get help. I hope one day you can.

I eventually ran away, never to return. It took years to heal and rebuild my life. I am still traumatised over the accumulation of problems of the old relationship. Now I know that it's in the past, and there it will stay. It was all his problem not mine

High moral standards is debatable.

Abuse, trauma, addiction, seeing the police as enemies and carrying out violence. Keeping it secret and denying it in families is not that.

Sorry I wasn't refusing to engage there's just alot of replies and I overlooked this.

If I say my kids aren't aware, people will just tell me that they are, so I can't really argue with that. I love my kids and I just really don't think me leaving my husband is proportionate or in their best interests. They truly have never witnessed any of the punching walls/ breaking doors etc, which was only a few isolated incidents anyway, or the dangerous driving. They've been asleep for some of the e.g name calling.

I've told my kids that they will always have a home with me, and never need a reason to move home even once they have their own partners and kids.

If my daughters were afraid of their husbands, I'd tell them I'd support them whatever they wanted to do. If they wanted to leave, they could stay with me.

The addiction and the violence are symptoms of huge trauma and discrimination and violence my community has faced.

There absolutely is an excuse for violence when all other routes to justice have been exhausted, which has been the case at times for my community.

I’m struggling to think of a community in the UK who face such terrible discrimination and violence that violence and drug addiction is a reasonable and understandable response. And in fact, I don’t think violence within a group can ever reasonably be blamed on violence/trauma/discrimination faced by that group.

I think you’ve been told a narrative to remove any blame on the men in your community who are violent or abuse drugs. It’s not a true narrative.

Trauma isn't a moral failing. Addiction isn't either. Seeing the police as enemies - well, you may not believe me, but if you'd been subjected to what we have, you would too.

Our morals may not be yours, but they are morals.

I don’t want to be like this, but the older I get, the harder I find it to sympathise with women who continue raising their children in environments like this.

I know I am meant to be unconditionally on the side of the abused women, but it’s just so damn tough on the kids. Who are being damaged every day and will take that trauma into adulthood and possibly abusive relationships of their own. The mother owes it to their kids to leave if there is any chance they can.

If that makes me a bad person so be it.

You never stop being scared
You -like you do- become great at minimising their behaviour.
I got out 36 years ago I still recall his family who thought he was amazing. He was a bully.

My husband of 30 years has never once made me scared of him. Nor has my father. That is what should be seen as the normal.

Your children know.. children do. Ita the atmosphere in the house they pick up on it. I promise you they are scared too. They are also growing up learning this is how an adult relationship looks like. Daddy makes mum small..

Never. But he's never been under so much stress at work as at home. And honestly, assault wasn't uncommon in his old job - he never assaulted anyone, but undoubtedly kicked a few doors there too. I think it's naive to think this stuff doesn't happen or is the end of the world if it does.

i am just reading through your replies and got to this one… you’re playing this behavior down. Punching walls, kicking in doors and calling your names is not normal nor is it normal grumpiness - minor stuff is saying “oh ffs you’re doing my head in” and what you’ve described is aggressive violent behaviour and it’s normal to be scared of him. You’re sharing online which is good. Contacting woman’s aid again would be good. I’ll continue reading now…

It is normal to be still scared.

To keep it secret from everyone apart from MN is imho not healthy. I hope you are speaking to your thereapist about it as that is the right place if you cant or dont want to to anyone in real life.

Why what’s so stressful about home vs work?

Most people can’t wait to leave work and get home because home is where you can relax and be stress free.

How many times have you kicked doors in your job?
I know I’d be given a disciplinary and later sacked for this behaviour.

What is it about his home life that he hates so much?

Whether you believe it or not, the men in my community have suffered enormous harm from "outsiders" (for want of a better word): endless harassment, police brutality, lies and dehumanising assumptions and treatment, systematic discrimination. It's a terrible aftermath of that that some - a small minority of them - go on to inflict harm on their own families.

My sense is that there are many communities here who could describe their experience in these terms.

It does anger me that the work women in my community have done to protect us isn't valued to the same extent as what the men have done, and yes, their misdemeanours are definitely permitted where the same wouldn't be for women. You're right about that and I am complicit in that I think too, though I am working on that.

I’m saying this as gently as possible but domestic abuse is child abuse. You’re not protecting your children by staying you are teaching them that domestic abuse is normal and that to be scared of your partner/ dad is normal! Your children will be aware that you are scared as they will sense it, children are very astute and that will make them scared too that their primary carer is scared!

It's not black and white though. There's a huge difference between name calling when the kids are asleep and hitting in front of them, or between breaking a door when they're at school and when they're at home. I was terrified as a child. My kids behave in ways I wouldn't have dreamt of - they're just not scared the way I was. I can guess I won't be believed, but I hope my replies have shown I am telling truths even when it makes me/ him/ my family look bad so maybe I could be believed on this. My kids are noisy and cheeky and messy and defiant, also sweet and affectionate and playful.

OP I have posted on Mumsnet before when someone is in a relationship that is abusive, and your relationship is abusive, I will keep on posting this (see below) in the hope that maybe it will get through to someone who is in a similar position to what my Aunt was in.

My Aunt was a wonderful kind loving woman, a brilliant Mum, Sister, Daughter, who was married to an abusive man, started with a few pushes, being called names, shoved against the kitchen cupboards when she disagreed with him that type of thing, she told my Mum, my Mum told her to throw him out, my Aunt didn't because according to her, 'he wasn't that bad and he could be lovely'. Then he gave her a black eye, ramped up the physical abuse, the mental abuse, the financial abuse, my Mum begged my Aunt to leave, offered her our spare bedroom for my Aunt and my two cousins, my Aunt said she would think about it.

A month later, he killed my Aunt when she just 31 years old, he kept her body hidden in a cupboard whilst their daughters played nearby.

This broke my family and my two cousins (My Aunt's daughter's) have been traumatised for life despite now being adults, their Mum's death has impacted their lives in a big way.

Please think really hard about your life, your relationship, because what happened to my Aunt, happens again and again up and down this country on a weekly basis.

No-one should be scared of their partner
That's not a happy, healthy relationship.

Thank you. I think that's a point I haven't considered but makes sense that it make them scared too that their primary carer is scared.

I really am listening to everyone and taking all of this on board.