AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

All this stress, fear etc is so bad for your physical health as well as mental wellbeing

OP, I hope you don't mind me asking, but when he tried to kick down the door - was that because you were self harming or at risk of suicide? I'm just wondering if this explains it.

Those things absolutely would make most women 'nervous wrecks'. They are awful, violent, threatening things done deliberately to scare you and to keep you in line.

None of this is ok or remotely normal. There are lots of good men out there. My dh has never, not even once made me feel scared. He would do everything he can to protect me. Your DH has anger issues. They don’t just go away. You’re a nervous wreck because he’s shown you what he’s capable of. He will do it again because it’s already happened on more than one occasion and you’re still there, you’re showing him that you will let those behaviours go. You must know you deserve better than living your life in fear.

He’s not a good dad either - a violent angry man who treats the mother of his children in this way is a shitty father

The incidents you described are awful - not normal at all and I can’t imagine my DH doing anything close to what you’ve described 🤯

I agree. The body keeps the score.
Why can’t OP leave?

This is enough to make any person a nervous wreck. It is disgusting behaviour and is extremely abusive. It will only get worse. He is not a good man. He has shown that he needs to punch something when angry, one day it will be you.
Not all men are scary and I’m so sorry that it is the norm for you. But instead of learning to live with it, please find a way of freeing yourself from him.

This is sickening.

The OP is clearly beyond help.

I just wish there was a way of removing those poor children from this horrible environment.

I don't mind you asking. No, it wasn't because of that. I can't remember why he was so angry and I think I'd gone into the bathroom to hide/ get away - because I can lock the door, it's just a place to go when I need to be sure I can have some space from him and usually that's ok. I can remember crouching in a corner of the bathroom and crying though not making lots of noise and he was kicking the door and shouting at me. This is the scariest thing he's ever done to me. He didn't break down the door. I can't remember what happened afterwards or how it ended/ stopped.

The whole thread is so confusing - you talk about your family being violent and full of addictions, with some thinking it’s ok to slap their wives yet you then go onto say your community has huge amounts of integrity and high moral standards? that doesn’t sounds the case at all. It isn’t high moral standards to slap your wife or be angry and violent to the people you love.

You are excusing this behaviour because this is what your community has taught you. And you will then teach your own children the same. It is quite clear that you will make every excuse under the sun to justify this behaviour so I don’t think you will get anything from this thread.

No one can reassure you that the fear will pass because in all honesty, you should be scared. You are surrounded by scary people - you lived in fear as a child, you now live in fear as an adult and your children most likely will also do the same

I'm sorry, but its highly unlikely you will feel safe and comfortable ever again in your marriage.
Because your husband has taught you that everything depends on his moods and choices, and you have no power.
If he feels like being nice and kind, he will. But if he feels like being angry and aggressive, he'll do that instead.
You can't do anything about that, you just have to sit there hoping for the best. You can try all sorts of things, restricting your life, trying to please him, and that's exhausting, and still might not work.
So how can you relax and be comfortable when you don't know if you'll have an OK day or a horrible one?
Its the not knowing what to expect that makes you scared and anxious, even when he's being OK.
Sometimes this eases in time, but only when the man completely changes, never behaves like that again, and for a very long time, so you learn that you can trust him. But this is extremely rare with abusers, and takes a huge commitment from them to change, plus external help.
It doesn't sound like your H has even started down the path of change. If he had, he'd be encouraging you to get support, and getting help himself to manage his behavior. But he isn't, is he?
You should leave him OP. Even if you still love him. Because the life you're living is going to make you very unwell over time. It will ruin your future, and make you a shadow of the woman you could be.

You are describing a trauma response.
as you won’t leave you need to talk to your therapist about trauma therapy. EMDR.
she may not be trained in it. So you might have to find someone who is.

I don't think there's a single woman in my family who's left her husband. I have a few school mum acquaintances who have divorced, that's all. Otherwise I don't know anyone who's left their husband.

I am a married mother and that gives me more power and status than I've ever had before. My family has a huge amount of respect and affection for my husband, and I'm sure that they see me in a better light as a result of being married to him. I know it's seen as a great thing that I have such a different life than I grew up with. The losses to me for leaving would be huge. A single mother with no money who'd left her husband because his behaviour wasn't perfect, even though it arose from stress she'd put him under - that's who I'd be.

Imagine dragging him into my messy family, at some loss of his own lovely family, and then leaving him because he couldn't handle it sometimes?

OP what you are describing sounds very like my parents marriage right down to my mother endlessly bleating “well he never hit me/you”. My father was a terrifying man who had a hair trigger temper. My mum should have left him but didn’t for all sorts of selfish reasons that ultimately meant she didn’t protect me and my siblings in the way she should. I lived my entire childhood terrified - as I result I also have cPTSD and the hyper vigilance has never left me. My dad died 16 years ago and I cannot tell you how relieved I was. My relationship with my mum is fragile and I will never forgive her for putting me and my siblings through this and then minimising the impact. You carry on kidding yourself this isn’t impacting your kids but don’t be surprised that they judge your choices harshly when they are adults and realise you could have got them out of that situation.

This is horrific of him. Not only has he scared you, multiple times, but he’s silencing your ability to discuss it. That’s because he knows people will tell you to leave him.

My DH scared me once. Early-ish in our relationship he got drunk and we argued. He kicked a door on his way out of the room I was in.

Because of my childhood that frightened me
, even though he was leaving.

In 20 years since my DH has never been drunk again. He apologised profusely for not noticing that a drunk argument was frightening me because of the past. He encouraged me to talk to whoever I needed to because his main concern was that I was ok.

He realised at that time that drunk men frighten me. So, because he wanted a relationship with me, he has never been drunk since (apart from one stag do in another country from me) as he never wanted me to feel frightened. We took many months apart before fixing things after one (for many people minor) incident because me feeling safe was the most important thing to us both.

Your DH is a very selfish man. You’ll never be able to not be scared when he’s making zero effort to help you not be scared.

This is one of the saddest posts I have read on here because of the minimising I suppose of what is completely unacceptable behaviour despite being obviously terrified. You are never going to stop feeling this way OP, with the greatest respect. The fear will not go away because you know this man is violent and what he is capable of, who knows what will push him over the edge and once your girls become teenagers and there is more push and pull, testing boundaries and pushing limits (as teenagers do) and possible reactionary behaviour from them, will that cause problems? Will they be in danger from his violence? It’s a little tinder box.

‘To his misfortune’ no no op :( he should never have done those things to the point you’re scared every day - you can’t live happily or healthily like that surely it’s going to eat away at you ?

I couldn’t Imagine being scared of my DH

So you come from a very marginalised community which has experienced racism and prejudice for decades if not centuries and where there is a lot of violence and generational trauma. This goes some way to explain why you defend your family, even though you have suffered abuse at their hands.

There is no such excuse for your husband. He seems to be taking advantage of your background and history as he knows that it is very unlikely that you will leave him. He is exploiting your past trauma but thinks that, because he isn't as violent as your father, that you will excuse and defend him and you will never ever leave him.

He obviously has violent and sadistic tendencies that manifest themselves in threats and destructive behaviour that doesn't go as far as physical violence, but the threat and the fear is always there.

Unfortunately, your children will pick up on your fear, no matter how hard you try to conceal it. They will be aware of the things that their dad does to you. What would happen if they spoke to a teacher about it? Would you deny it all?

None of what you have written is normal OP. None of it. You are scared because it has the potential to escalate. Living with someone that can go off is nerve wracking because of the potential unpredictability of their behaviour. There is clearly a significant problem. Personally I think couples can/shd argue but that shd be the max. No name calling, no hitting walls, no swearing.

No, you wouldn't HAVE to give reasons. Because someone else demands information doesn't mean you have to give it. And even if you do, you don't need them to agree or approve. It is your life and your decision.

Listen to yourself. He's kicked through doors and you're saying it's "not that bad". It is that bad. Your experience with other abusive men has skewed your perceptions to the point where you think abuse is normal. It's not. No, most men do not behave like this.

If you want advice on how to accept abuse and live with it, I don't think you'll find it on here.

How old are the kids? Have they learnt to accept domestic abuse as normal? Does your son think it's ok to treat women like this? Does your daughter think she has to tolerate it? If she grows up to marry a violent man, will you be the "family" telling her she "can't" divorce?

I presume by family you mostly mean parents? One day they will be dead and you will be alive. What do you want your life to be like then? Still the same, living in fear? Do you really want to throw away your life for family and "friends" who care so little for your welfare? Are they actually worth it?

Why does everyone else matter so much more than you do? Why do you think you always come last?

OP do you know what groupthink is? I'd suggest you read up on it and then have a good think about why your husband would be so disappointed if you told anyone outside your community what he's doing.

Your partner should be your safe space, your port in a storm!! DH and I don’t really argue but when we have had a bit a ding dong I have never been scared of him! Never been scared of his driving or that he would hurt me verbally or physically the same as I wouldn’t do those things to him! That is not normal to feel scared of your partner! The things you are detailing are abusive!!

People have for the right impression. He is violent and abusive and you are totally minimising it.

If your daughters married men who were just like your DH and who treated them in exactly the same way as he treats you, would you think that they were lucky to have their husbands? If they experienced the same fear, every day, but no actual physical violence, that would be OK? And would you encourage them to stay with their husbands/partners?