AIBU to refuse to book and pay upfront for MIL?

[Shoopshawady]

MIL has form for being tight and never offering to pay for anything. My DH is generous and she does not deserve it! She’s not been a great mum during his childhood and was very selfish with money amongst other things. She recently moved nearer to us (unfortunately!) We are going to a theme park on Friday and I’ve managed to get a free ticket with my Tesco vouchers plus the rest slightly discounted. I don’t want to book hers ticket, I think she should book her own. DH says oh she will pay me back but I know she won’t. Also I suggested I get us some hand held fans I found on Amazon for £10 each as I know it will be super hot, he said ‘oh get my mum one too she’ll pay me back’. I did say I’m sure she can sort herself out! He said if I’m getting them anyway it makes sense.

I can’t help feel angry about it. He went out for dinner with her and the cinema the other night and I know he would have paid so I didn’t even ask as it would have annoyed!

We work hard and save money to do nice things with our son and i just see her as a free loader!

I don’t usually resent anyone anything but just her, she’s never been generous with money and given how she would rather spend her money on cigarettes and alcohol when he was a child I really struggle to resent this… would you?!

It’s too bad you Forgot to buy her tickets and fan….but you can walk her over to the ticket counter at the theme park and offer moral support while she pays for her own. She can borrow your husband’s fan.

I want to do this so badly but my husband won’t let me, I know for sure! Thing is I didn’t even want to go tbh as I hate theme parks but am going for my son and also because she was going it would annoy me! Arghh such a shit situation I know I should just suck it up and be nice for my DH as he’s a lovely person but I just REALLY dislike her!!

Get him to order her ticket and fan 🤷‍♀️

It’s our joint money so that’s not the point! I don’t want to use our money on her either…. 😂

Why is she even going if she can’t be bothered to sort or pay for anything ever.

So alL her food and drinks that day dh is going to pay for as well then.

I'd get her the fan, be the bigger person on that one.

Getting her the ticket depends on if she is tight with money because she is poor or because she's wealthy?

Edit: you can always ask her to send the money for the ticket before you buy it!

She asked to come and my DH said yes of course but he will just book tickets and not ask her to pay! Because he’s kind like that!

I’ve just said to him ‘I assume your mum will be paying for herself Friday?’ And he said I’ll text her and tell her to send me the money!’ so who bloody knows and now I feel like an arse! Because I am not tight in the slightest when it’s someone who genuinely deserves it or returns the favour! He’s so generous he doesn’t even notice it or see when someone is taking the piss out of him! Friends borrow money from him too!

She isn’t poor… she just doesn’t think and assumes someone else will pay. If we all went out for dinner she will just sit there until someone pays the bill! We went out a while back and each couple went and ordered their food at the bar and she said ‘oh I don’t know how to do this.. where do I go?’ So I made sure she knew! (She isn’t elderly or stupid btw!)

Simple. Message her and ask her to transfer the money so you can order her tickets.
If she goes on about paying later just say she can buy hers at counter when she gets there

Just text her yourself and say you're booking the the tickets and if she wants you to get hers to, please pop x amount over to your account befirehand but no problem if she'd rather buy her own. At least you've called her out, even if DH ends up paying.

If he wants you to book and buy like others. Pop her a text now.

Evening mil, booking the tickets and getting some fans ordered tomorrow. Tickets are £65 and fans £10 if you want one. Let me know once you’ve sent the money and I can get it booked and ordered. Can’t wait to go!!

Just don’t invite her! Go on your own ffs.

Yes do this. Then it’s up to her if she pays or not

Tricky one, I always pay for my PIL or parents if I’m booking for us all, and don’t expect the money back but that’s because they do the same sometimes. If it’s one way it’s cheeky AF but tricky if youR DH wants to. Hard for you to not sound petty. I know you’re not being by the way, I just know she will make it look that way. Sorry no help, just thinking out loud

If she is a pensioner she might need to show her card/ID to get a discount. That is the excuse I'd be using for not pre-booking her ticket. You keep our discount for yourselves and she can buy hers at the gate!

I honestly don’t get why you’re not just buying her a ticket and a fan and saying forget the money tbh. That’s what most would do for their mother/MIL. I can’t imagine ever being upset that DH treated his own mother to dinner/cinema/a fan.

You have a DH problem also, you need to sit him down and have an open chat with him about this without getting angry and just say you feel taken advantage of with being expected to pay whenever she is with you both and it makes you feel used and can we please come to an agreement about letting her buy her own things in future especially when she does spend her spare money on drink and cigarettes, I don't think YABU, I'd feel the same.

I'm going to go against popular opinion. Even though you don't like MiL, surely it's up to DH to decide if he wants to spend money on his mother, or whether she deserves it or not. I get it's joint money, but if that's going to be an issue perhaps you should have separate finances. That way none of your money goes on his mum or whoever, and none of his goes on your family. If it was huge amounts of money being given away, I could understand you being unhappy but objecting to a son paying for dinner or cinema ticket for his mother seems a bit much. Apart from big expenses, none of my siblings ask for money when we bought things for our parents or went out with them. Honestly if my partner had an issue with me buying my mum dinner or a £10 fan, with money that I've worked for, I would have soon set him straight. Likewise I wouldn't have thought much of him if he did the same with his own parents.

Because she’s not a nice person and I can’t help resent it! I mean not even giving us a card when she came to our wedding kind of tight and asking to stay at our house that night….

Can you just rectify the accounts and ignore it?

So he takes £10 joint for her ticket (£5yours, £5his), so you take £10 too

My mother is like this. It’s infuriating.

If your DH wants to sub his mum and it’s not an unreasonable amount of personal spending for him, I think you should suck it up. But if it all adds up to a significant amount and your DH is still spending as much on himself as you do on you, then I would start putting my foot down a bit. Either explicitly, or just by taking control and asking her for it myself. E. g. as PP suggested, text her saying something like “I’m ordering ticket tomorrow at 4, if you’d still like to come, please transfer £x into my account before then, otherwise I’ll assume you’ve changed your mind. DH also mentioned you might want one of these fans I’m getting for the rest of us [link], if you’d like me to order it, add another £y. Hope you can come, DC is really looking forward to it. “

Do not talk to your DH about asking her for money when you do things he wants to include her in, just do it yourself and require the money up front. If she says she’ll give it to DH when she sees him tell her that’s inconvenient as you need the money in your account to order but if she wants to order stuff herself, obviously that’s fine and would probably be easier on you.

It's something so small to get your knickers in a twist about. I mean it's one ticket and a damn £10 fan. Ask for her to reimburse you if you must but blimey take a chill pill.

You always have the choice to not have her come with you. Why spend time with someone you loathe.

My first thought is that it's a 'theme park' and not one where I'd want to be asking PILs along. My second is that it's a heatwave and that's a fantastic excuse not to waste money on a theme park unless we are talking water based type stuff in air con. The latter may or may not be GP friendly depending on the GP. If you need MILs help and the circs are not too hot, then I'd offer to pay. I'd also address heat and kids.