AIBU to refuse to book and pay upfront for MIL?

[Shoopshawady]

MIL has form for being tight and never offering to pay for anything. My DH is generous and she does not deserve it! She’s not been a great mum during his childhood and was very selfish with money amongst other things. She recently moved nearer to us (unfortunately!) We are going to a theme park on Friday and I’ve managed to get a free ticket with my Tesco vouchers plus the rest slightly discounted. I don’t want to book hers ticket, I think she should book her own. DH says oh she will pay me back but I know she won’t. Also I suggested I get us some hand held fans I found on Amazon for £10 each as I know it will be super hot, he said ‘oh get my mum one too she’ll pay me back’. I did say I’m sure she can sort herself out! He said if I’m getting them anyway it makes sense.

I can’t help feel angry about it. He went out for dinner with her and the cinema the other night and I know he would have paid so I didn’t even ask as it would have annoyed!

We work hard and save money to do nice things with our son and i just see her as a free loader!

I don’t usually resent anyone anything but just her, she’s never been generous with money and given how she would rather spend her money on cigarettes and alcohol when he was a child I really struggle to resent this… would you?!

You’re going to have to find a way to come to terms with this or it’s going to impact your marriage. Yes you have joint accounts, which means you can both draw money from it, you really can’t dictate to your husband about spending money from the account, assuming it’s reasonable (ie and not hundreds of pounds), you are being too controlling and your mil freeloading is hitting a nerve, but it’s his mum and he doesn’t mind treating her. I’ve experienced the same but u really just have to suck it up with good grace… in the scheme of things… u will see… over time…. It’s petty and unnecessary.

Clearly your DH likes his mum so she couldn’t have been as awful as you’re claiming when he was a child! Where is his DF in all this?

I absolutely wouldn’t resent that when it’s a two way street, and sounds like OP wouldn’t either if she ever reciprocated. But when she expects everything paid for her all the time, it’s not okay!

I don’t think you get to veto what your husband spends his money on with regard to his family, unless it’s obscene (like paying their mortgage, utility bills etc level).

I have some issues with my parents (putting it mildly and in a non outing way) but I still pay for everything, especially for my mum. I take her on expensive weekends away, holidays, all sorts. I wouldn’t ask her to pay and if my husband had an issue with me doing it, I would not be happy - my parents, my choice. I think his dad is an (insert whatever negative word you want here) but likewise I wouldn’t get involved with whatever my husband wanted to do for him.

The way you’re going about this sounds petty. Could you achieve the same result in a different way? For example, we will buy the tickets, you bring the picnic. If she says she forgot, say no problem, and take her to M&S en route so she can buy the picnic stuff. Or say we will buy the tickets, you buy lunch - and again just make sure she actually does. That might feel like it’s being done in a less petty way and get your husband on board more.

I do similar with a less well off but much loved family member. I pay for something (because it’s affordability related, always something much more expensive, say the accommodation) and say ok and you pay for XXX - always much less expensive but requires effort and time, and which she is great at - such as activity packs to keep the kids entertained on the journey. It also keeps the feeling of them not being freeloaders for their own pride (they’re absolutely not, we just have different depths of pocket and love their company). In your situation it would feel less transactional too.

Yeah I can see your point on this. My DH is like an ordering service for his parents. If they want something off Amazon or eBay they constantly ask him, no please or thanks about it. They do always offer to repay, however I don't know whether that happens as they always send it to his personal account. Likewise when our kids were little and I would invite them to join us somewhere it was the same, they would want us to buy tickets and would apparently send him the money.
They do however pay for a meal when out...however I always feel it is being judged what you order. FIL seems very controlling so I always order what I want and a dessert to make a point. MIL might say she wants lasagne but he will often be like you don't want that, and then pick something cheaper and say they will both have that. Same with dessert, he will say they don't need one. They are also not poor (live in a 4 bed house), retired early with plenty of savings. They are just tight so I can see your resentment with your MIL.

I think from your description it's annoying as it happens every single time. I would agree it's going to be hot so use that as a reason not to book her a ticket.
Does your DH have a seperate account like mine, so maybe she does repay but you are unaware?

I would just go down the line of it's going to be hot, it's not an appropriate activity for your age etc. We didnt see this as something we'd do with anyone else.Don't order her tickets, uninvite her.

If dh pays for stuff when you're not there you can't stop him but you can put an end to joint activities you don't want her there for. It sounds like she's way too much in your life, why are you going for dinner etc with her anyway?

Honestly? I see your point but I wonder whether this is the last straw. The OP has not said whether she is well off but, if they both work, have a mortgage and pay for childcare, having to endlessly subsidise someone who has a stable, guaranteed income may get fairly annoying.

It may not even be about the money. My mum is very generous but, whenever one of the children has a birthday coming up, she’ll say “I know! Why don’t you just order them something, wrap it, label it from me and I’ll give you the money!”. She does give the money but it still means I’m having to do all her sorting out for her.

I'm staggered by this as well tbh it's so mean either say no you can't come or buy her ticket

I think it's because a lot of grandparents reverse this and treat the kids.
My own mum would give money for her own ticket plus add extra.
If I tried to treat her then she would pay it back a different way, buying lunch and ice creams and souvenirs.

It sounds like the OPs MIL expects to be treated every time.

I get it op, why you don't want to just pay, especially if you don't hugely love the activity. If it's mostly sort of worth it at say 40£ tickets each x 3, it isn't worth it any more if there are 4 tickets, 4 coffees, 4 lunches etc etc instead of 3 ( if you have one DC and you and DH). Maybe offer not to go yourself. Same cost!
But if you actually want to but it's just too much, can you tell your DH that you need to do less expensive activities if you are going to always pay for an extra adult?

As always it's a DH problem it sounds like he's done with treating his mum just pacifying his wife saying I'll ask mum to cough up and probably not even asking. Mum might not even know she's being seen as tight or grasping. And if she does it's still a DH problem.

I have the same issue. With mil, sil & bil. And it is so frustrating! They are just entitled and expect my generous DH to pay for everything, with zero acknowledgement or appreciation. When I gently pushed back they started gossiping about me being cheap/tight🙄and Mil started asking invasive questions about our finances, and how much we spend on my family.... (Although my family gave us our house deposit)..
Anyhoo my solution is to let go of the principal and annoyance of it. Now I pretend to be as generous as DH and we see them significantly less. We will never holiday with them again, and when we see them I arrange low key activities, dog walks, playing board games, I'll cook family meal etc. On the odd occasion when we do more if an outing, I'll budget a realistic amount expecting to pay for everything, and allocate our monthly budget towards it. DH and I share money and budget together, so planning the cost in advance he is very happy to do things with them less frequently. I don't think he realised how much a day trip costs us in total.

She asked to stay with you on your wedding night?? OMFG sounds like a nightmare woman.

This is a good idea. Make sure she pays for things when there. Be blunt - hey as we got the tickets are you ok to get the ice creams Monica?

I agree with this and I think you’re coming across as a bit petty, sorry. I can see why but personally I think you need to try to let it go, is it really worth making a big deal of it, and it is your husband’s money too.

Harsh. When you have a freeloading relative its not the actual individual amount its the continual "theft" from you. Take my sil:
She has never ever paid for anything for mil.
She was given an almost new car when fil had a stoke to drive them places...she drives mil to sainsburys where mil pays for her petrol and shopping
If we go anywhere she expects a lift from me..has never offered to drive
Is constantly trying to take mil to clothes shops in the hope that mil, as she often does, will buy her something

This is why the op is pissed off the continual sponging off of others.

I'd feel the same as you. If she has form for taking and taking and taking, but never giving...I wouldn't put a penny towards her, either.

Is she generous in other ways? If she, that's the only way I'd be happy to spend on her.

do you have en estimate of how much you have subbed her over the last year say -£10 here and £20 there could be over £500 easily - it might be easier to have the discussion when the total effect is clear

obviously he wants to support and treat his mum even if she was a poor mum becuase he is still her child and that’s just human nature but you feel taken advantage of

I get it. It’s annoying. She’s annoying but she is family and family is annoying. You won’t change her and your husband loves her. Be kind to him and just let this slide. You can tell him you find it annoying but this don’t fall out about it - life is way too short and no family is perfect!

I agree with this. If you can afford it why not?
OP obviously doesn't like her and thinks she was a bad mother but her husband still wants to pay for her so I think OP should step back.

To me it all depends on how tight your finances are. If you are going to be prevented from doing/buying something else then it's a fair issue. If not, since your DH wants to pay for her, that's his choice. Fwiw we have a monthly 'allowance' that would avoid this issue. Usually used for clothes, socializing with friends, games etc but paying for his mum would come out of his allowance if you don't agree to it.

You do this for nice, loving parents, not shitty ones. If you haven't had one then there's no way you would understand. It's not a one way never ending giving tree because they had a baby one day.

Doesnt sound as though he hates her as much as you do....

My mother was somewhat like this (a generally unpleasant, scrounging, abusive specimen, who thankfully died before my DC were born).

I don't know what your parents were like, OP, but even though my mother was vile and always have money for fags and booze, but never sufficient food etc for us kids, I STILL felt responsible for her (financially and emotionally etc) and I'd always pay for things for her out of a misplaced sense of obligation.

I can totally see where you are coming from, but think I also might understand why your DH pays for his mother in the way he does.

She’s his mum.. he wouldn’t! I haven’t written everything down about her behaviour, this is the tip of the iceberg but she wasn’t a very nice parent growing up for starters and acted more like the child than the parent hence paying for her feels like this too!