AIBU to refuse to book and pay upfront for MIL?

[Shoopshawady]

MIL has form for being tight and never offering to pay for anything. My DH is generous and she does not deserve it! She’s not been a great mum during his childhood and was very selfish with money amongst other things. She recently moved nearer to us (unfortunately!) We are going to a theme park on Friday and I’ve managed to get a free ticket with my Tesco vouchers plus the rest slightly discounted. I don’t want to book hers ticket, I think she should book her own. DH says oh she will pay me back but I know she won’t. Also I suggested I get us some hand held fans I found on Amazon for £10 each as I know it will be super hot, he said ‘oh get my mum one too she’ll pay me back’. I did say I’m sure she can sort herself out! He said if I’m getting them anyway it makes sense.

I can’t help feel angry about it. He went out for dinner with her and the cinema the other night and I know he would have paid so I didn’t even ask as it would have annoyed!

We work hard and save money to do nice things with our son and i just see her as a free loader!

I don’t usually resent anyone anything but just her, she’s never been generous with money and given how she would rather spend her money on cigarettes and alcohol when he was a child I really struggle to resent this… would you?!

Thank you! I agree. My parents weren’t necessarily emotionally available but always looked after me and paid for me and now are always offering to pay for things and support us so I’d feel differently if it was them.

I do agree and need to try!

Hmm I think he feels some moral obligation whereas I don’t as she’s not my mother and I’ve seen how much she upsets him. I haven’t made the childhood stuff up, he’s had a lot of therapy for it. His dad left when he was younger and is an alcoholic who he doesn’t see.

Yes!!

Thank you.. you are right.

You are not being unreasonable,I don’t think, unless she is doing things for you in other ways like childcare or housesitting.

How intertwined are your finances? Could he pay for her?

There’s a fine line here - is it a nice family day out if she comes and will your child enjoy it more? Is it more a case of making hubs u derstand that you don’t have the spare cash and he should pay? Or simply saying “but she doesn’t pay me back”
and citing previous examples. She may have paid him for all you know and the money not been passed along because he didn’t think it was important.

I think put your child at the centre of this and work backwards. If he’ll enjoy it more with Granny there it’s worth £50.

Is he taking the money for himself?

My son won’t care either way as they don’t have that relationship! She doesn’t look after him or offer anything else in terms of help etc. But I am going to suck it up for my husband as he’s a kind man and clearly more accepting than me!!

Your husband is trauma bonded to her, he wants her approval and love so he buys it, that isn't love. He also knows it is easier to give her what she wants than deal with her in an adult way.
He is spending joint money on her without any discussion with you which is frankly rude and also shows mum comes first.
Similar but different, my husband started smoking again for a few months, approx £10 a day, so I took out £500 and brought an expensive handbag, he hit the roof until I pointed out he had already spent more than that on cigarettes. He soon stopped. That bag still looking fabulous 25 years on, he chose to set fire to his £500 bit like your husband who gets nothing to show for it. Occasional treats for her absolutely but not her personal ATM. Start taking out the equivalent he spends on her every time and put it in savings or spend it on something frivolous, he gets what he wants and you get lovely treats.

Agreed. I would buy it for family or friend coming with us. I’d be glad they’re coming.

@ShoopshawadyThink of it this way, your husband is modelling kindness and generosity to your son, even though he is aware you don’t like your mother in law. Maybe 30 or so years down the line you may have a dil who dislikes you for whatever reason, but your son will have a muscle memory of how to treat you.

Would you be happy if they were coming if they were a cheeky scrounger who had been pretty shit to you your whole life?

I think this post nails it. Totally agree.

Is it really worth winding yourself up over a cheap fan & a ticket? She may not be perfect but you’re not really gaining anything by shit stirring.
I don’t know how old you are but I grew up in the 70’s & 80’s when most parents that I knew spent spent a big chunk of their income on booze & fags.

Love it..

Are you wilfully being belligerent?! OP has clearly stated that this one example of many, many scenarios.

Hmm I would for anyone else but not her! She isn’t someone I am fond of spending time with and my 8 year old has never spent time alone with her and isn’t bothered if she’s coming. However tickets and fans purchased!

This is true and why I adore my husband!