AIBU to refuse to book and pay upfront for MIL?

[Shoopshawady]

MIL has form for being tight and never offering to pay for anything. My DH is generous and she does not deserve it! She’s not been a great mum during his childhood and was very selfish with money amongst other things. She recently moved nearer to us (unfortunately!) We are going to a theme park on Friday and I’ve managed to get a free ticket with my Tesco vouchers plus the rest slightly discounted. I don’t want to book hers ticket, I think she should book her own. DH says oh she will pay me back but I know she won’t. Also I suggested I get us some hand held fans I found on Amazon for £10 each as I know it will be super hot, he said ‘oh get my mum one too she’ll pay me back’. I did say I’m sure she can sort herself out! He said if I’m getting them anyway it makes sense.

I can’t help feel angry about it. He went out for dinner with her and the cinema the other night and I know he would have paid so I didn’t even ask as it would have annoyed!

We work hard and save money to do nice things with our son and i just see her as a free loader!

I don’t usually resent anyone anything but just her, she’s never been generous with money and given how she would rather spend her money on cigarettes and alcohol when he was a child I really struggle to resent this… would you?!

I always think it's much harder to accept someone you love being taken for a mug, than it is for you to gloss over it for yourself.
I completely understand how infuriating this must be for you, but I think your only option is to try to see it as your husband being a lovely human being, rather than your MIL being the CF she undoubtedly is. It might be the only way forward for your own peace of mind.

I feel like if he wants to pay for his mum it’s up to him. I don’t run by treating my mum or dad with my partner and he doesn’t with me

Thing is - he’s happy to pay for her. He’s invited her along (well gone along with it). Maybe he likes being seen to be generous

really he shouldn’t have let her come - that’s the bigger issue here.

Keep asking for money up front. What your dh doors is up to him but you can keep asking to make your point.

This! Whatever the equation you have with her, and however tight she might have been during his childhood, it seems churlish to resent a few acts of generosity from your husband towards his mother. It isn't as if he's buying her a car. I would actively encourage and support my DP in being generous to his mother, and I wouldn't dream of allowing my mother to pay for such things if she is coming with us.

Oh this could be my mum, I booked theme park tickets for us, my parents and aunt and uncle, let them know the cost and aunt and uncle sent the money immediately, mum just didn’t, then half way through the day announced she’d had enough and left. Aunt and uncle also treated my kids to something from the gift shop, the difference between them is embarrassing. Mum also does the ‘I don’t know how to order/pay a bill in a restaurant’ trick and tries to get anyone else to pay for her, now I just say to her why don’t you pay and we’ll all sort it out later and now she doesn’t want to go out to eat anymore 🤣🤷‍♀️

You maybe the mother in law one day! Try to behave as you would wish to be treated yourself…it’s a park ticket and a handheld fan…🙈….not a first class ticket to Australia.

I get that it is galling but you’ll need to rise above it. Unless it’s damaging your family financially or limiting your options for activities. It will just breed resentment between you and your DH. He might start to fib that she’s paid for things to keep the peace and you’ll be even more annoyed.
Be upfront about what you’re happy for her to join you with and not and try not to get wound up about the costs.

I think you should get the fan, it would be actively cruel not to and it’s not like you can all be holding one and leaving her to sweat. You’re being quite unreasonable there.

And pay for the ticket but when it comes to ice cream, ask her in front of everyone if she wants to pay for them seeing as you bought the tickets.

If your husband is happy to pay for her (from your join account!) I’d just involve him a little less. For example, just buy your tickets and then tell him you’ve got them for you both and your children. When he mentions his mums ticket, just say you assumed she could sort her own. With the fans, don’t consult your husband first, just buy them for you guys and not his mum, no need to mention buying one for her.

@Shoopshawady just a simple message to her saying ‘looking forward to Friday, theme park tickets booked for everyone and fans bought to keep us cool too. To save transferring any money across it’s probably just easier for you to pay for the lunch. Hope this works for you too. See you soon x’.

Your DH wants to pay for her. Do you have to ask him if you can spend money on your parents?

I honestly cannot see a world where this would bother me, except if it was huge sums like buying a house and we had no money for ourselves.

Obviously if there is a drip feed like you are both unemployed and need the money and MIL is a millionaire, then ok. But if you are in stable jobs - and s the cost of a theme park ticket for an OAP (?) worth this anger?

At least your dh hasn't inherited the tightness from his Mum. He wants to treat her..let him. His kindness will hopefully break that cycle of meanness and stop it going into the next generation. My dad was a most generous man and l love that so your kids will grow up with that too. Its always better to take the high road.

And the dinner, and the cinema ticket, and the dinner before that and whatever else she's expected her son to put his hand in his pocket for forever, while she never ever does.

That's the problem, not a theme park ticket and a fan.

well it's quite obvious that you hate her . If a grown man can’t sometimes buy his mother dinner or a movie ticket or a ticket into a theme park because his wife doesn’t like it , what a crying shame . Does he monitor every penny you spend ?

My mum is similar - it is exhausting. We have many many anecdotes of her causing scenes at restaurants, ‘taking me out’ for my birthday and then making me pay the bill, or confronting my DP while I pop to the loo to make him pay. Yes you can rise above it and pay but it stings when it’s never appreciated or reciprocated.

This.

It sounds as if she allows your DH (and you) to pay for an awful lot, so it would annoy me too.
Your DH needs to wake up a bit.

You need to text her and ask her to send you the money first - then book. What a cheeky cow she is!

So, bluntly, why marry someone who brings you into close proximity with someone you already knew by them you disliked?

Do the friends pay him back?

just direct your MIL and DH to this thread and your problems will be solved.....

Could you text her and say can she send over the money to you as you’re booking the ticket and buying the fan (if she wants one)?

Tell her no point texting DH about it as you’re the one booking.

I get it Op. I fucking hate my MIL and the air she breathes and she’s exactly the same. A constant freeloader. She’s so tight it’s embarrassing.

Shes actually fallen out with every single one of her friends over her poncing and “borrowing” money that she never pays back for events and trips.

Shes the kind of person that will drive ten miles in the wrong direction because petrol is 0.01p cheaper in a different garage.

She’s promised the grandchildren certain gifts or trips and then not done it because she finds out what it costs (the kids never even ask for anything extravagant).

It’s the assumption that you’re just going to pay (for everything) and not even offer. And it all stacks up. For example we will go out for dinner and she won’t even reach for her purse to contribute despite ordering three courses. Of course, I’ll pay for dinner, I invited you - but at least offer.

My MIL is sitting on a gold mine of cash - but she’s “poor”.

When it’s a pattern of behaviour it’s wearing. Especially when you work damn hard for what you have and she’s done fuck all to support you.

Absolutely mental going to a theme park during an extreme heatwave, let alone taking a pensioner