AIBU to expect my husband to help with bedtimes.

[RabbleBabble]

I genuinely need to know I've got this wrong or I'm looking at this from an unfair perspective....

Bedtimes - how many of your partners/husbands/significant others take part in bedtime or do bedtimes?

Husband works, some days he has long days some days he works from home doing paperwork self employed/own business. We've got 4 kids including 6yo twins who are getting challenging at bed time. I was working but due to one of the other children struggling at school I found it difficult to keep working, I'd be late from sitting in reception whilst my son cried not wanting to go in, calls from school, he absconded twice and ran home so I had to leave work (this is another situation but this has improved now.) It was getting too much. We decided I should take a break. I'm happy doing all the domestic jobs as I am home. My husband likes cooking and will cook perhaps once or twice a week and I sort everything else.

However, on occasion putting 4 kids to bed can be challenging and stressful, my husband will lay in bed clearly hearing me becoming overwhelmed. I did every single night feed, every bath, every bedtime.. for all the kids including the twins. It was hard. AIBU for wanting a little support?

I suggested 1 or 2 nights a week if he's been at home that day, can we take 2 kids each (twins room share and the other 2 room share), this resulted in a huge argument about me taking the mick and how I 'can't cope' with my own kids.

Honestly I'm exhausted and insulted. I said I'd like us to rework our bedtime routine for the children as my daughters are up mucking about for hours, hyping eachother up, in and out of their room etc. He has zero interest in supporting me here.

I have tried every strategy going but I just need some back up and emotional support.

My OH believes that my role is everything to do with the kids and home and his is to go to work.......yes, I know....

My elder 2 love a bedtime story and I really enjoy reading their chapter books with them, it is extremely hard to do that when the twins are laughing in bed, coming into their room to ask me things and disrupt it. This leads to my husband shutting everything down, shouting from bed and telling me its my own fault I should just put all 4 to bed and close their doors. (For context he never had a loving bedtime routine as a child, I'm not going over the top but like most families helping young children to transition to bed is important and it can be a lovely period for a thoughtful question, a cuddle and short story) The twins go to bed at a reasonable time for their age, they have blackout blinds, small low night light and a simple predictable routine.

The older two are usually fine at bedtime and they shouldn't have to miss their story because the younger 2 are on a mission.

I have tried a multitude of strategies, audio books, sticker charts, taking back to bed with a firm 'bed' and no eye contact, meeting all their needs before bed such as having milk, warm bath, toilet etc so there is little left to ask for, they either spend ages settling, chucking toys, screaming, laughing, in and out of bed, asking for all sorts, or they argue.

I am just burnt out from bedtimes alone. Just him doing bedtime for 2 of them, once a week would be such a big help, but he said I've created the situation and its my own fault!

We have dinner, he leaves and goes to lay down and watch TV, he'll clear his own plate but leave the kids ones and all the mess for me, then lay in bed while I wrestle 4 kids down every single night. Then he'll pop at me if I complain or try to express my distress and tell me I'm in a mood and need to sort myself out. He says he'd 'give anything' to be at home and I shouldn't complain about anything as I've got it made!

I'm not settling my own body until very late, I'm too tired to last through a 30 minute programme or have any evening myself or with him - my husband could not care less and as far as he is concerned its my doing because a pander about 'reading stories.'

I just need some other opinions I feel like I'm going insane.

😔

Sexist stereotypes, anyone?

The OP explained in her post of 1438 that, in fact, it’s the opposite way around.

Your reading comprehension could use some work.

Admit to him that you can’t cope with bedtime with 4 kids on your own and you think it would be best to go back to work such that all domestic and childcare is shared. FWIW it’s not acceptable for your 6 years olds to disturb the older ones story, you might need a star chart or some sort of punishment eg taking away privileges.

You tell him that what you are doing is work, that you are at work from xx time in the morning when the kids get up through to xx time at night when they go to sleep, that work includes the kids, the house and whatever else, wheats he works xx hours and gets xx hours of rest at night

Then I would arrange a weekend away, go Friday night , back Sunday night late so he has the kids, needs to feed them, look after them, do the tidying up as you expect to come back to a house the same state you left it and with all the stuff ready for the kids school on Monday

Eurgh this would absolutely make me resent my partner.

To be quite honest with all of you, I posted on here seeking advice and a bit of solidarity.

There have been some posts on here that have shamed me for 'choosing not to stop' having kids or 'being dramatic,' or making assumptions about me swanning about all day while my kids are at school. Underlying jealousy maybe? I would love to get back into work and I've been actively looking.

That shaming language says more about the poster than it does about me.

• We planned to have children 1 & 2, I fell pregnant with twins on the pill. I didn't choose 4 children but they were a gift, they've made me into a really strong, patient parent and advocate.

• For those questioning why I am 'still putting' 8 and 10 year olds to bed; my eldest has adhd and severe Dyslexia, he struggles to read books, refusing comics as even though they have less text, it is a reminder at bedtime of an area that he struggles with and spends ALL day struggling with at school. We practise reading after school however at bedtime it is more important he learns to relax than feel pressured to spend more cognitive energy on reading. Listening to me read is a really good opportunity for my son to practice active listening and being calm....important. All children are different, I do what is best for him and his brother enjoys it too.

• I agree at those ages more independence is fine but if my elder children ask for a story, I don't see why I should decline, its not pandering, its responding to their need for connection, which is what the request for a story represents. Any one who has a child with SEND or a basic understanding of child development, will know this.

• What I do with my time; Monday and Wednesday I do 2 days per week doing husbands paperwork, send emails for him, deal with invoices, create tables and documents for him etc. Tuesday and Friday my eldest child finishes school at 12, so my afternoons are spent with him, I don't need to go into details on that arrangement, on those mornings I plough through washing and ironing. That leaves Thursday, ill usually do the food shopping, clean bathrooms, floors and anything else I haven't yet done and run any other errands.

I'm not listening to any personal criticism on my week or the number of children I have, I asked whether I was unreasonable for expecting a little team work at bedtime.

I think, that is perfectly reasonable.

@RabbleBabblewell said. I have a single school age only child and I’m on career break, returning in September. I spend my days practising the piano, reading doing bits of life admin and school admin re my son (also some SEN), some housework and cookery and relaxing with my cat.

How I spend my time is nobody’s business but mine.

So you're also working for your husband doing his admin?

I think you really need to re-assess the arrangement you have here OP. He's got you as a live in maid, nanny and admin person. Time to get some backbone and fight for some balance or this will be your life forever. Think of the example you're setting for your children and their future relationships.

Your husband is a real piece of shit. How can you respect him?

I agreed with you before your latest update and still do.

Your husband is a dick and you should stop all the help you’re giving him with his business. Tell him you’re too tired and burnt out from looking after your joint children alone.

He’ll soon change his tune.

He wouldn’t give anything to be home. Offer to swap. He won’t.
I hope he’s paying into a pension for you.

I think you would be BU if you were expecting him to come home or stop working to specifically help with bedtime. Even more when you are a SAHM.

HOWEVER, when he IS at home, he has no excuse, why can't he even want to spend time with his kids. He's being a dick.

I'm sorry OP, he is a dick, and he was more than happy for you to stop working and hand all things domestic over to you because he simply cannot be bothered. If the roles were reversed and he were to be at home full time, he'd be screaming for help within fifteen minutes.

What a twat he is, not even helping to settle the kids at night so that the whole household can sleep better.

His behaviour while you were in hospital speaks volumes.

Glad to hear you are looking for a job. But the home stuff then needs to be allocated fairly, otherwise you will be utterly burned out.

You have a typo in the post title.

It should read "AIBU to expect my husband to help with bedtimes parent his own children."

I think a typo in the post title is the least of my worries but thank you for the advice.

YABU to refer to him parenting his children as 'helping'. Putting your children to bed isn't helping anyone, it's just parenting them.

But yes of course he should be parenting his children like you do of an evening.

We only have one but DH and I have always done bedtime together when/if we're both home, it's just how it's always been. Started off when kid was a newborn and obviously we both wanted as much time with him as possible. And just carried on. We do bedtime solo a couple times per week when the other person is out but if we're both in the house we've never not done it together.

Feels really weird to me that your DH is sequestering himself away and hearing you struggle while he simply opts out.

If he doesn't start parenting I'd be inclined to make sure I'm out/busy at least half of the week around bedtime to leave them to it.

This is only the case with infants and would be grossly unfair once you have school age kids.

Weekdays at home when the kids are at school are not equivalent to a day at work.

My DSIL thinks like this. My niece and nephew are my DBs responsibility whenever he isn’t working. She does other household stuff but I don’t think this is equitable at all. She is basically at leisure during the 6 hour school day.

It isn't a typo though. You view your childrens father putting them to bed as him helping you, like it's your responsibility and he can deign to chip in if he wishes.

That's a fundamental problem and a massive misunderstanding of the situation, and no doubt contributes to him getting away with it. It's okay isn't it, to not 'help' someone with something, because 'helping' means the thing wasn't your original responsibility.

No, he isn't helping when he does bedtime. He is parenting.

Do you both see it as you helping DH with mealtimes if you cook something or prepare a snack? Or you helping him with the kids if you take them to the park? I can guarantee you don't. This is no different.

What on earth am I reading?! Of course it’s NOT unreasonable to ask him, as a parent, to parent. Time to have a grown up conversation with him. Anything outside working hours should be 50/50 split with both parents sharing equal effort in raising their children. Bedtime is included in that. The fact that he just goes to bed is shameful.

I don’t know how you have coped for so long OP, you are amazing and should be proud of yourself 🩷 but please do talk to him, this is not a normal or acceptable dynamic.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to expect your husband to be a decent father. At the moment, it sounds as though he essentially ignores the children when it suits him. TBH I think if one parent of school-age children isn't working outside the home, it's fair enough for that person to do the bulk of household chores (cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, etc.). But that doesn't include refusing to interact with one's own children, as your husband is doing. Taking himself off to bed immediately after dinner? That's appalling. Doesn't he want to have a close relationship with his children?

He absolutely should step up, not because of the current challenges you're having with the 6-year-olds, but because being a father means building a deep connection with your children. And that can't happen if he abdicates all responsibility and basically checks out each evening. Barking, "Bedtime" at the kids is utterly inadequate.

As for solutions to the issue of the younger children playing up, I would say that there are strategies you could employ (with your husband's full involvement, of course -- no more hanging out in his bedroom while you struggle). I think it's lovely that you read to your boys each night. Some of my favourite childhood memories are of my mother reading to me before bed, up until I was 10 or 11. But the current setup isn't working for everyone. I agree with some PPs that separating the girls at bedtime, as well as experimenting with a later bedtime for them, might help the situation.

Does he pay you for your 2 days admin work OP? And pay into your pension?

I haven’t read the whole thread @RabbleBabble so sorry if this is repetitive…but what an absolute prick he is.
He’s refusing to parent his own children when he is ‘present’. He might as well not be there, as he’s not being a dad.
You deserve better. Better support and at the VERY LEAST to be talked to with respect.
I am so angry on behalf of you and your kids.
💐