AIBU to expect my husband to help with bedtimes.

[RabbleBabble]

I genuinely need to know I've got this wrong or I'm looking at this from an unfair perspective....

Bedtimes - how many of your partners/husbands/significant others take part in bedtime or do bedtimes?

Husband works, some days he has long days some days he works from home doing paperwork self employed/own business. We've got 4 kids including 6yo twins who are getting challenging at bed time. I was working but due to one of the other children struggling at school I found it difficult to keep working, I'd be late from sitting in reception whilst my son cried not wanting to go in, calls from school, he absconded twice and ran home so I had to leave work (this is another situation but this has improved now.) It was getting too much. We decided I should take a break. I'm happy doing all the domestic jobs as I am home. My husband likes cooking and will cook perhaps once or twice a week and I sort everything else.

However, on occasion putting 4 kids to bed can be challenging and stressful, my husband will lay in bed clearly hearing me becoming overwhelmed. I did every single night feed, every bath, every bedtime.. for all the kids including the twins. It was hard. AIBU for wanting a little support?

I suggested 1 or 2 nights a week if he's been at home that day, can we take 2 kids each (twins room share and the other 2 room share), this resulted in a huge argument about me taking the mick and how I 'can't cope' with my own kids.

Honestly I'm exhausted and insulted. I said I'd like us to rework our bedtime routine for the children as my daughters are up mucking about for hours, hyping eachother up, in and out of their room etc. He has zero interest in supporting me here.

I have tried every strategy going but I just need some back up and emotional support.

My OH believes that my role is everything to do with the kids and home and his is to go to work.......yes, I know....

My elder 2 love a bedtime story and I really enjoy reading their chapter books with them, it is extremely hard to do that when the twins are laughing in bed, coming into their room to ask me things and disrupt it. This leads to my husband shutting everything down, shouting from bed and telling me its my own fault I should just put all 4 to bed and close their doors. (For context he never had a loving bedtime routine as a child, I'm not going over the top but like most families helping young children to transition to bed is important and it can be a lovely period for a thoughtful question, a cuddle and short story) The twins go to bed at a reasonable time for their age, they have blackout blinds, small low night light and a simple predictable routine.

The older two are usually fine at bedtime and they shouldn't have to miss their story because the younger 2 are on a mission.

I have tried a multitude of strategies, audio books, sticker charts, taking back to bed with a firm 'bed' and no eye contact, meeting all their needs before bed such as having milk, warm bath, toilet etc so there is little left to ask for, they either spend ages settling, chucking toys, screaming, laughing, in and out of bed, asking for all sorts, or they argue.

I am just burnt out from bedtimes alone. Just him doing bedtime for 2 of them, once a week would be such a big help, but he said I've created the situation and its my own fault!

We have dinner, he leaves and goes to lay down and watch TV, he'll clear his own plate but leave the kids ones and all the mess for me, then lay in bed while I wrestle 4 kids down every single night. Then he'll pop at me if I complain or try to express my distress and tell me I'm in a mood and need to sort myself out. He says he'd 'give anything' to be at home and I shouldn't complain about anything as I've got it made!

I'm not settling my own body until very late, I'm too tired to last through a 30 minute programme or have any evening myself or with him - my husband could not care less and as far as he is concerned its my doing because a pander about 'reading stories.'

I just need some other opinions I feel like I'm going insane.

😔

As the kids are different ages, they need different bedtimes?

A 6yr old needs more 'structured' bedtimes that your 8 & 10 yr old.

I'd start with a bedtime chart, showing the routine e.g bath, PJ's, teeth brushed, story and bed, along with the times these things will be happening for each child? (I'd put twins in bed by 730pm, 8yr old at 830pm and 10yr old at 9pm so that bedtimes are staggered to allow you to read a story to everyone)

Once you have done the bedtime routine for the twins, any 'messing about' or jumping on beds etc will not be rewarded with more time/attention, but will result in 'lights off and door closed' (even removing light bulbs if necessary), and any messing about before storytime means no storytime that night.

I'd also be asking my DH to do the enforcing of the rules with the 6yr old twins while I was sorting the older CD, as they have had their nice bedtime routine and simply need to be told 'get back in bed!' very firmly until they understand that they cannot mess about at bedtime?

YANBU and he sounds like a dick but at the same time do 8 and 10 year olds really need to be put to bed? Surely at that age they can manage to sort themselves out? Mine are younger and we share bedtimes, doing one each, even though my DH WFH part time and I work much longer hours in a more demanding job.

I would struggle with 4 kids at bedtime on my own, I have 2 and they both still enjoy us reading them a book before bed at 8 and 10. Yes I can get through it if my husband is out, but it’s more relaxed if he takes one kid and I take the other and they both have one to one attention.

I’d be pissed off if my husband was in bed ignoring me having a crap time of it, does he really not think that it would be a nicer experience all round if he spent some quality time with his children? Wouldn’t he have preferred that as a child? Sorry but to me he sounds selfish and mean.

Do you know what really makes me angry about these disgusting, lazy fuckwit men (amongst many things)? Their illogical insistence that when a mum is at home looking after kids it's easy and they 'have it made' and yet apparently this same childcare becomes a huge chore when they're expected to do it.

Pick a lane dickheads - either staying home is easy and fun, in which case parenting your kids in the evenings is easy and fun too, or it's hard, in which case your wife/partner has had as hard a day as you and you should be sharing the load.

Ugh. I'm so angry for you op.

What the hell? Just because he has a job it doesn’t mean he isn’t a dad? My DH would hate to miss bedtimes - even the tough ones, it’s part of being a parent. We have 2 kids and took one each back in the tough days.

I have an almost 6 yo and she goes to sleep between 9 and 10 at the moment as do most of her friends including the girl who a year ago her parents had to introduce a minimum bedtime as she was wanting to go to bed at 5.

We limit time outdoors after 5 at this time of year as the longer days mean her body isn't ready to sleep at a sensible time otherwise. We make sure her curtains are pulled in the room before she comes up to bed. Our bedtime routine is loosely 7 come upstairs, get changed and teeth then either she reads to us or we read to her until 7.30-7.45 then she has audio booked until 8-8.15 then she has meditation on through the night. She goes to sleep when she is ready. If there is a lot of moving about we go up but otherwise she's left to her own devices. If she's not tired there are some games she can play with she had magnet tiles and jigsaws for example. We do get some ridiculous shouting such as "I've given my socks to my doll so she can be a mermaid and now I have cold feet" ... Get yourself another pair of socks. She now knows she can get most things to meet her needs herself which loses the draw to use them to put off going to sleep.

What are the things that most interest the twins? Could you get them ready for bed at whatever your usual time is, leave them for quiet time in their room - low red lighting. Have some time with your older too before their bedtime and then leave them to get ready for bed whilst you finish bedtime with the twins.

Alternatively, I would look at other times of day you could get that time to read with the eldest two.

School only runs for 6 hours, not 8, and I don't imagine OP is lounging around having naps and sipping cocktails for those 6 hours! 'More leisure time', yeah, okay.

Honestly OP he either doesn't like you or he doesn't like being a Dad, but neither is an acceptable reason to just leave you to it. If I could hear someone I love was struggling with a task whether that was dealing with the children (that he also chose to have?) or anything else, I would jump in to help no matter how tired I was. The fact he thinks he can lounge around whilst you struggle and are visibly stressed is very telling.

No real advice but no, YANBU to be tired and angry and stressed and to be cross with him.

No more sex until he pulls his weight. Because you're too tired from dealing with the children yourself all the time.

No, you have the responsibility during the day. You should have equal 'down time' Also, why doesn't he want to look after his children? What was the point of having them. When they grow up, you have the relationship with them that you have earned. Those children will feel the same way about him as he does about them and not want to bother with them.

She's not a SAHP to a baby or toddler or home schooling. All kids are in full time school. It's farcical to claim she's that busy between the hours of 8.30 - 3.30 pm, 5 days a week. The entire point of being a SAHP when your kids are in school is for everyone to have an easier life. Someone takes on the home stuff while someone else goes out for paid work.

Mine does loads . He's fab

I do 100% of bedtimes and always have, though I only have 2 DC, but both are ND. My DH is the only father I know who hasn't shared doing bedtimes with his partner. Me having to do difficult bedtimes is one of a number of reasons why our marriage is not great at this point.

This sounds lovely but I suspect the OPs twins are very similar to mine who are the same age and unfortunately it really just wouldn't be possible to leave them to have "quiet time" in their bedrooms at night. They would very quickly start carrying on, being very loud, fighting, be coming out of the bedroom repeatedly to find a parent to make a request, tell or ask them something etc. My children go to bed between 7 and 8pm. Granted they don't usually seem very tired but honestly, they could get up between 5 and 6am as they normally do then we could have the busiest day - the type that people will make comments about like "Oh they'll sleep tonight!" And my children will still be going strong at 9/10/ even 11pm. Even starting school I was promised they would just be soooo exhausted. Nope, not mine! 😂

Yeah he’s an arsehole! Being at home with kids is a harder job than going out to work so he needs to get a grip and fix up!

Your husband sounds like a lazy arsehole. My husband does one of the most back breaking strenuous jobs on the planet 6 days a week, long hours. But when he is in the house everything that needs doing is split down the middle and he has never missed a bedtime. Do not allow this, what a disgusting POS

Your husband sounds like a lazy arsehole. My husband does one of the most back breaking strenuous jobs on the planet 6 days a week, long hours. But when he is in the house everything that needs doing is split down the middle and he has never missed a bedtime. Do not allow this, what a disgusting POS

Before my second was born I didn’t do any bedtimes at all! My partner has always been in charge of bedtime with my son, they have a lovely little routine and it’s their time together because I get so much time with him during the day when my partner is working (I’m currently on mat leave). Now we have a second I do her bedtime while my partner still does our son’s

You're responsible for the dc while he's at work, when he's home he's 50% responsible. So he should either be doing bedtime for 2 dc every night (and not always the easier two) or all for dc every other night. That's what would be normal in most families.

He sounds like a shit dad tbh.

The more my daughter does the more awake she gets! She's also a low sleep needs child, she was only sleeping 10pm -5am the other week.

I also only mean only as an exercise in buying time with the elder two. I have a 10 month old and on days where I'm on my I need her to have 30 minutes in her room unattended whilst I get him fed and changed to then go back and spend time with her and complete her bed time.

She can and does come out of her bedroom and makes requests, doesn't matter if she's making noise. As long as she's not causing harm to herself or her toys she's gets to crack on for what ever time she needs. It doesn't have to quiet as such just not any toys that she finds addictive. It's more about being occupied whilst approaching bed time. I use quiet to more reflect mental state really. The xylophone on one of her favourite things to play with at this time which is far from quiet in the noise perspective but it isn't going to be a massive dopamine hit for the brain

We are also modelling her doing her own problem solving during the day. So that we instill the idea we aren't going to fix everything at her immediately. We currently trying to manage epic meltdowns. She managed to hide behind my wardrobe screaming the other day in a disagreement about whether she needed breakfast and then was dragged off me by the deputy head whilst she also clung to the school railings so not the meek and mild type either!

We limit time outdoors after 5 at this time of year as the longer days mean her body isn't ready to sleep at a sensible time otherwise.

You don’t allow a 6 year old outside to play past 5pm in the summer??

DD would ask to go to bed between 6.30 and 7.30. DS would wait for us to say bedtime. DD would have slept in if left 8.00am, DS up at 5.30am and waking DD before 6am! This was all before 5yo. DH would mostly do bedtimes if on correct shift.

She sounds like my headstrong 6 and 3 year old daughters! I think my kids just egg each other on tbh and I have no idea where they get the energy from compared to other children. They just keep going! I'm always interested in ways to make bedtime easier because it's currently a total drag.

We actually moved from a 5 bedroom to a 4 bedroom house but in the process I got pregnant again and now we have to live in regret that we don't have enough bedrooms to go round and our kids have to share 2 bedrooms because we use the 4th bedroom as a playroom for their thousands of toys 🙈

Our set up is different to yours. Dh works 4 compressed days a week. I am self employed so it does vary from 2 to 3 days a week. My dh almost always puts the youngest to bed and I sort out the other two. Sometimes he does all 3, sometimes I do. We don't tend to keep tally as we are both players on the same team.

You have asked for support snd his response is very telling. He doesnt respect you and as far as im concerned where there is no respect there is no love. For the sake of yourself and your children get back to some form of paid work.

Your husband sounds like a dick, but it also sounds like you've enabled it since day 1 - I think you mentioned you'd done very bedtime, bathtime etc so far. Were you doing all that while you were working too? What was his excuse then for not chipping in?

It'll be harder to set new habits now that he's been conditioned to be a lazy git. But you've got to persevere in getting him involved - you're the only person who'll know what will work to get him to step up.

How much does he earn? Is it just enough to keep a roof over your heads and no more? These men with their bs, low paid jobs are the worst. Think they're gods gift and they can't do a single thing. You really need to grab the bull by the horns and make change happen.

Also agree with another poster - you need to broadly let him figure out his own way of doing it. Don't micromanage him, let him do what works for him whichever kids he has on his nights will be fine if they don't get a book that night. Also hire help as much as possible to lighten the load - cleaner for example. Assuming he doesn't just earn a pittance.

No - we limit time outside after 5 pm. We base it on a day-by-day, week-by-week situation. If it's mid week and I've been carrying her out for bed at 8am to get her ready for school because she was wide awake until 10 pm she will be indoors by 5 for a few days.
If we have a busy weekend planned we limit her time outdoors on the Thursday and Friday for example but most of the time she can go out as much as she wants. We tend to plan things outside to be earlier in the day

She's like me and we are both very sensitive to the different day length, her bedtime can approach 11 pm and her having very broken sleep if she gets too much evening sun so whilst it feels cruel to limit time outdoors, it's also cruel to send her to school having not had adequate sleep.

She didn't sleep through the night until a year ago and it's taken a lot of experimenting to get the balance right to ensure she's getting enough sleep