AIBU to expect my husband to help with bedtimes.

[RabbleBabble]

I genuinely need to know I've got this wrong or I'm looking at this from an unfair perspective....

Bedtimes - how many of your partners/husbands/significant others take part in bedtime or do bedtimes?

Husband works, some days he has long days some days he works from home doing paperwork self employed/own business. We've got 4 kids including 6yo twins who are getting challenging at bed time. I was working but due to one of the other children struggling at school I found it difficult to keep working, I'd be late from sitting in reception whilst my son cried not wanting to go in, calls from school, he absconded twice and ran home so I had to leave work (this is another situation but this has improved now.) It was getting too much. We decided I should take a break. I'm happy doing all the domestic jobs as I am home. My husband likes cooking and will cook perhaps once or twice a week and I sort everything else.

However, on occasion putting 4 kids to bed can be challenging and stressful, my husband will lay in bed clearly hearing me becoming overwhelmed. I did every single night feed, every bath, every bedtime.. for all the kids including the twins. It was hard. AIBU for wanting a little support?

I suggested 1 or 2 nights a week if he's been at home that day, can we take 2 kids each (twins room share and the other 2 room share), this resulted in a huge argument about me taking the mick and how I 'can't cope' with my own kids.

Honestly I'm exhausted and insulted. I said I'd like us to rework our bedtime routine for the children as my daughters are up mucking about for hours, hyping eachother up, in and out of their room etc. He has zero interest in supporting me here.

I have tried every strategy going but I just need some back up and emotional support.

My OH believes that my role is everything to do with the kids and home and his is to go to work.......yes, I know....

My elder 2 love a bedtime story and I really enjoy reading their chapter books with them, it is extremely hard to do that when the twins are laughing in bed, coming into their room to ask me things and disrupt it. This leads to my husband shutting everything down, shouting from bed and telling me its my own fault I should just put all 4 to bed and close their doors. (For context he never had a loving bedtime routine as a child, I'm not going over the top but like most families helping young children to transition to bed is important and it can be a lovely period for a thoughtful question, a cuddle and short story) The twins go to bed at a reasonable time for their age, they have blackout blinds, small low night light and a simple predictable routine.

The older two are usually fine at bedtime and they shouldn't have to miss their story because the younger 2 are on a mission.

I have tried a multitude of strategies, audio books, sticker charts, taking back to bed with a firm 'bed' and no eye contact, meeting all their needs before bed such as having milk, warm bath, toilet etc so there is little left to ask for, they either spend ages settling, chucking toys, screaming, laughing, in and out of bed, asking for all sorts, or they argue.

I am just burnt out from bedtimes alone. Just him doing bedtime for 2 of them, once a week would be such a big help, but he said I've created the situation and its my own fault!

We have dinner, he leaves and goes to lay down and watch TV, he'll clear his own plate but leave the kids ones and all the mess for me, then lay in bed while I wrestle 4 kids down every single night. Then he'll pop at me if I complain or try to express my distress and tell me I'm in a mood and need to sort myself out. He says he'd 'give anything' to be at home and I shouldn't complain about anything as I've got it made!

I'm not settling my own body until very late, I'm too tired to last through a 30 minute programme or have any evening myself or with him - my husband could not care less and as far as he is concerned its my doing because a pander about 'reading stories.'

I just need some other opinions I feel like I'm going insane.

😔

I cant believe your husband is at home leaving you to handle 4 kids. Apart from anything else he is missing out on actually parenting them.

So he'd give everything to be at home but refuses to do one of the jobs he associates with being at home. Refuses to support his partner or take the opportunity to spend quality time with his kids. Shit partner and shit dad. And his response to being asked to step up is to say you shouldn't bother in the first place. My advise would be to leave if you can. It's not like you'll be losing any help at home. Edited to say we do 50:50 and my husband would always step in to support me if I was struggling at bedtime. No idea how I'd cope with putting four kids to bed on my own either.

Fuck that. We only have one but despite him working more hours than me we alternate every bedtime and every wake up. The other does the washing up / tidy round during bedtime and on a morning gets an extra half hour in bed. If either of us is particularly knackered the other steps in, knowing it will be reciprocated when needed.

He is missing out on a lot. All the fun times, cuddles, teddy times. My DH did bath and bed for both of ours when he was on the right shifts. On occasions the water from the bath ran down the wall in the kitchen (rented tied house) and bath not sealed. A few times all would go very quiet(?) and I would go upstairs: everyone asleep, including DH on floor.

It's a perfectly reasonable comment.

I would also like to know if he helped with bedtime when there were 2 DCs ?

Oh absolutely not. No. Your husband is an absolute arsehole sorry.

I have 4 kids, including 6 year old twins actually, but my other 2 are younger and neither of us would even dream of sitting back and leaving the other to deal with them alone especially at bedtime unless it is previously agreed between us for whatever reason. Nor would either of us have the audacity to just leave everything at our arse for the other person to tidy up. You are a stay at home mother not a stay at home maid. Everything including parenting and housework should be split 50/50 when he is home. Why are you working 24/7?? Why does he think this is ok?

You're doing all the parenting and housework. What benefit is there to staying with him really? Your workload wouldn't change if you left him because you're already doing everything. Actually it would because you would have one less man-child to clean up after and wouldn't have to put up with the arrogant wanker lying about while he allows his wife to struggle with 4 kids. What a knob he is.

What a pig! I am enraged on your behalf so he lies in bed and does nothing whilst you’re trying to settle 4 children ?!

This is painful to read. What a twat to literally leave you to it. He doesn’t like you OP, he wouldn’t do this to a friend let alone someone he’s supposed to love. I bet he still wants a shag after you get to bed though

Merely for the fact that he clears his own dinner plates and leaves the rest - he’s a cunt

He used to step in a bit more when we had two, he worked away a lot so I just got used to doing it alone, as the family grew and the business took off, he checked out more domestically because he was 'tired.' I get that but I'm tired too. He acts like earning the money buys him a pass out of parenting, after dinner he'll go to bed because he's tired, he'll be up at 6 and some days it is long hours so I dont feel comfortable asking as I can see he's exhausted, most nights i can and do manage perfectly fine but I do need a break from it sometimes and im also concerned about the message it gives our children (that its okay for 'man' to clock off, not help with clearing dinner, bedtimes etc)

He’s still a parent when he’s with his children, maybe remind him of that. You being a SAHP doesn’t absolve him of that role!

I’m a SAHM with 2 kids, 4 & 6, and we do a child’s bedtime each night and swap the next so they each get a bedtime with each of us. This only changes due to DH having a meeting in the evening or if one of us is out or unwell.

DH would never dream of just sitting in another room listening to a chaotic bedtime and not do a thing to help.

I’ll throw in that Mumsnet fave - you have a DH problem

There are different issues here.

Firstly, the fact that your husband thinks like this wouldn't have been a new thing. Every man I know who thinks like this about the divide of labour makes that very clear in conversation to everyone he speaks to about the topic. I know several women believe that they are okay with it, or they will change him. They aren't and they won't.

Secondly, there is a legitimate co-parenting issue where you disagree with how bedtime should be handled. I think you need to be open minded here about several aspects of bedtime.

Firstly, is bedtime at the right time?

Are the kids so active at bedtime because they are just not tired?

Are you setting the younger ones bedtime based on the sleeping needs of the older ones? This can compel parents to put the younger ones to bed much earlier than they need to allow the older ones some "big kid time" without them. Sometimes a younger child can genuinely need less sleep than an older sibling who needs more than average sleep for their age.

You see, if your husband agreed to put the twins to bed every night, you'd have to let him to do it his way and that might be the right way. There are ways to spend that quality time you speak of outside the bedtime routine, and that is best for some children. You can't make him do it your way when his way is perfectly acceptable, just not your preferred way. You have to let go. I recently posted a thread with a video of Michelle Obama talking about this very issue.

Overall, I couldn't live with a person who took this approach to the household labour. I do the majority of the cleaning because I like to, but everyone tidies up after themselves, guests and younger ones. Yes, I am more likely to be the one who actually switches the dishwasher on, but there is no way he would clear his plate but not the rest of the table. I'd be on my way back to jail in no time in that tyoe of situation.

This is so sad. He doesn’t want to spend some time with his children at bedtime.
is he a nice dad the rest of the time?
Youre supposed to be a team. He doesn’t seem to get that.
when the kids are out of the house you need a serious talk. And possibly some couple therapy. Tell him it’s a deal breaker if he refuses.

Now that your little one is better at going into school, I suggest you look for some work. Maybe go back part time at first. As the children grow older, you could change to full time work.

In my experience, men like this don't change and it's probably best to stop hoping that he will suddenly wake up to what he is. I would probably be making long term plans to split, if you can't face leaving just now.

We have two DH and we are divide one each (on the days I am not at the gym). If anything because I have the later gym slot out of the two of us, DH does more bedtimes currently.

Although we both work, when we discussed me potentially not working and being a SAHP, this scenario wasn't something that would have changed.
But my DH doesn't thinking me being a SAHP means I would have to do everything.

Not what you asked but I suggest that you split the twins up. Could you put one in with each older sibling? It doesn't have to be a long term strategy but might just shock them into better behaviour.

Every single day, they have a shower, play fights, then DH reads books, then I do milk and a couple of songs. DS is 2.5. This is after he's worked full time, cooked dinner for them both and picked him up and dropped him off to nursery the days he goes.

You need to go out more in the evenings and leave him to deal with everything. I go out at 6.30pm at least 2 nights a week. We split bedtime 50/50 though.

There is no 'his way' because he doesn't participate at all. I'm not being a control freak, needing to 'let go.' There's nothing to let go off - he doesn't help.

I was ill once, in hospital for a few days came home and needed a few days in bed - hospital orders. He would announce 'bedtime' out the blue, walk them to bed say 'goodnight' and shut the door. Prior to bed time he'd sit on his phone and be disengaged from the environment. They didn't go to sleep obviously because there was no transition or he'd shout at them to get compliance, the house was trashed as they'd run riot while he was fixated on his phone.

I've done a very good job up until now, my girls are going through perhaps a spurt in development and pushing more boundaries than before so I do need him to step up, I think that is absolutely reasonable.

I also cannot let a 6 year old stay up until 9.30 while I take their 10 and 8 year old brothers to bed. Yes I understand my twins may not be tired but I'll tell you as a parent of 4 that approach will only cause more squabbling and 'injustice' between them. I've tried letting them sit in bed with books but it lasts 30 seconds and they're jumping on their beds, screeching and running out the room. I am honestly out of ideas.

At the moment, regardless of all ive tried, the they're not falling asleep until 10pm and I am absolutely burnt out.

I'm a bit torn, I think your DH is a shitbag but I also think you are being overly dramatic.

1. Your DH is a dick and a very uncaring father. My DH genuinely values his time with DS, reading books etc. I can't imagine him coming home and just sitting in front of the TV all evening.

1. However, you have 4 kids in school and you don't work? That's 8 hours to yourself, all day every day. That's a hell of a lot of leisure time. The way I see it, your shift starts when kids come off school and it's only right that you deal with most stuff in the evening.

You need some marriage counselling or a divorce, it will be a wake up to both of you.

Actually there is his way, you explained it yourself.

"telling me its my own fault I should just put all 4 to bed and close their doors. (For context he never had a loving bedtime routine as a child, I'm not going over the top but like most families helping young children to transition to bed is important and it can be a lovely period for a thoughtful question, a cuddle and short story)"

What I have bolded is his way. You just think that it should be the time for.cuddles and stories and so you've eseentially said his way is inappropriate when it actually isn't. So before he's even started, you've said "do it my way which is best". But it obviously isnt best because it's hell.

"also cannot let a 6 year old stay up until 9.30 while I take their 10 and 8 year old brothers to bed. Yes I understand my twins may not be tired but I'll tell you as a parent of 4 that approach will only cause more squabbling and 'injustice' between them."

You can do that. You need to explain to the older kids that they have different needs to the younger ones. Having a lot of kids is hard work, that is why many stop at 1 or 2. You have chosen not to, so yes, you're more likely to have these arguments. Especially when they are relatively close in age and developing at different rates.

Your husband should do more, but he definitely won't if you micromanage how he does it.

We have two. I am a SAHM and DH works.

He does one kid I do the other. We bath them together and he probably does more bath times than I do. I'm pregnant with our third. He's working on bedtime so he can do both kids bedtimes while I do the baby. He did all eldest night wakes while I was bf youngest and would also wake up to get youngest and bring to me to feed then change and settle him.

He finished work early today, came home, made me a sandwich and is looking after youngest while I take eldest to swimming.

You married a dosser.

I do think at ages 8 and 10, the bedtime routine should be a quick cuddle, leave them with a book and close the door.

Age 6, they still need some help.

Don't make extra work for yourself and then blame him for it.

Bet you any money the older two are lovely, sweet girls and the younger two are boisterous boys.

The way it is the SAHPs work hours in their job as the SAHP are the same hours as the parent who goes out of the house to work. Once that person clocks off and comes home the SAHP also clocks off from their job and you are then just two parents looking after your children equally.

Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you are solely responsible for the whole house and all the children 24.7 and the other parent isn’t.