AIBU to expect my husband to help with bedtimes.

[RabbleBabble]

I genuinely need to know I've got this wrong or I'm looking at this from an unfair perspective....

Bedtimes - how many of your partners/husbands/significant others take part in bedtime or do bedtimes?

Husband works, some days he has long days some days he works from home doing paperwork self employed/own business. We've got 4 kids including 6yo twins who are getting challenging at bed time. I was working but due to one of the other children struggling at school I found it difficult to keep working, I'd be late from sitting in reception whilst my son cried not wanting to go in, calls from school, he absconded twice and ran home so I had to leave work (this is another situation but this has improved now.) It was getting too much. We decided I should take a break. I'm happy doing all the domestic jobs as I am home. My husband likes cooking and will cook perhaps once or twice a week and I sort everything else.

However, on occasion putting 4 kids to bed can be challenging and stressful, my husband will lay in bed clearly hearing me becoming overwhelmed. I did every single night feed, every bath, every bedtime.. for all the kids including the twins. It was hard. AIBU for wanting a little support?

I suggested 1 or 2 nights a week if he's been at home that day, can we take 2 kids each (twins room share and the other 2 room share), this resulted in a huge argument about me taking the mick and how I 'can't cope' with my own kids.

Honestly I'm exhausted and insulted. I said I'd like us to rework our bedtime routine for the children as my daughters are up mucking about for hours, hyping eachother up, in and out of their room etc. He has zero interest in supporting me here.

I have tried every strategy going but I just need some back up and emotional support.

My OH believes that my role is everything to do with the kids and home and his is to go to work.......yes, I know....

My elder 2 love a bedtime story and I really enjoy reading their chapter books with them, it is extremely hard to do that when the twins are laughing in bed, coming into their room to ask me things and disrupt it. This leads to my husband shutting everything down, shouting from bed and telling me its my own fault I should just put all 4 to bed and close their doors. (For context he never had a loving bedtime routine as a child, I'm not going over the top but like most families helping young children to transition to bed is important and it can be a lovely period for a thoughtful question, a cuddle and short story) The twins go to bed at a reasonable time for their age, they have blackout blinds, small low night light and a simple predictable routine.

The older two are usually fine at bedtime and they shouldn't have to miss their story because the younger 2 are on a mission.

I have tried a multitude of strategies, audio books, sticker charts, taking back to bed with a firm 'bed' and no eye contact, meeting all their needs before bed such as having milk, warm bath, toilet etc so there is little left to ask for, they either spend ages settling, chucking toys, screaming, laughing, in and out of bed, asking for all sorts, or they argue.

I am just burnt out from bedtimes alone. Just him doing bedtime for 2 of them, once a week would be such a big help, but he said I've created the situation and its my own fault!

We have dinner, he leaves and goes to lay down and watch TV, he'll clear his own plate but leave the kids ones and all the mess for me, then lay in bed while I wrestle 4 kids down every single night. Then he'll pop at me if I complain or try to express my distress and tell me I'm in a mood and need to sort myself out. He says he'd 'give anything' to be at home and I shouldn't complain about anything as I've got it made!

I'm not settling my own body until very late, I'm too tired to last through a 30 minute programme or have any evening myself or with him - my husband could not care less and as far as he is concerned its my doing because a pander about 'reading stories.'

I just need some other opinions I feel like I'm going insane.

😔

When I was a SAHM and DH was working full time long hours in a highly paid stressful job he would help with bedtime whenever he was home in time.

Something jumped out in your post. You have a DC who has had a tricky time at school to the point you agreed to stop working for a while. How was your husband then? Actually supportive of the decision? Putting your child's needs first? Or was it a mere yeah whatever it's your problem kind of thing?

Your twins, put them to bed separately. I'd make one go downstairs and watch TV or sit with husband (this won't be easy) and one goes to bed. The next night it's the opposite twin. They may well learn it sucks to be the one who goes to bed 'early' instead of together.

Is there any ND/SEN going on?

He's being a prick. Also, he seems really resentful of you being at home. If your kids are more settled now, would it be possible for you to work part time at least. It would give you more justification for him 'coping with his own children' and also give you some options if you need to leave.

I've also been with my DP since we were teenagers. We each put one child to bed except for one evening a week when I do both so he can go out and occasionally when I'm out. Your DH is not doing what he should.

Would you still point blank refuse if you were very specific and said go read 2 chapters to the older ones whilst you deal with the younger ones? What would he do if you found a weekly hobby that took you out of the house at bedtime one night a week? Maybe time to try it and see if he’ll step up when it’s put to him directly.

But I think he’s being a crap Dad tbh as well as a bad partner. Most parents, if they’ve been at work all day and not seen the kids, would want to do bedtime because it’s spending time with them…

Yeah this is not ok. Why does he think bedtime stories are not important?

If he would give anything to stay home... Ant chance you could both work part time so that it's a bit more equal? It may not work financially if he's the higher earner but if it does you should call his bluff...

I work double my dp hours over the course of a year, we both do a full days childcare each, dp gets a school day a week child free. I work 8-6 on my working days, and I come home and do bedtime together. That’s the parenting role and teamwork aspect of our relationship and quite normal to either take turns or just pitch in together. Neither of us opt out because we have been at work. Pathetic.

DH works full time, I work PT from home, he does every single bath and bed time with baby daughter (age 11 months).
YANBU

Your husband sounds like trash. I just can’t comprehend staying in a relationship where your partner does not care about you. If I were you, if he remains completely uncaring for you, I’d announce you were off out for the evening – leave him to it, and tell him it will be a 1-2 nights a week that you’ll be doing that from now on.

Yes, my DH does bedtime every night.

Started reading this thinking well it depends what you agreed but by the end I'm thinking even if you agreed to do it all there's really no need for him to be so weird about it. If he doesn't like how you do things he's got a fucking cheek not doing anything himself.

That said do you really need to "do bedtime" for children 7+? Cmon

Both did bedtimes together.
Never would have thought that the role belonged to one person.
sorry.

He doesn’t respect you, it doesn’t even sound like he likes you!
Does he actually have anything to do with his kids?
what a horrible man…

My eldest has an ADHD diagnosis, my husband definitely has ADHD although won't acknowledge it. Both twins have SALT at school but no behaviour issues - apart from bedtime and the usual chaos from twin 6 Yr olds.

I have 4 children, twins included. Mine are all getting a bit older now, but my husband always helped with bedtime once he got home from work.

My partner works shifts so some weeks he isn’t here at bedtime at all and other weeks he is here every night. If he is at home in the evening then 2 evenings a week I’m at work and he does bedtime alone. If we are both here then we split it- 1 of us does bath and PJs, the other does stories and settling her (still needs someone to sit in there for the first 10mins). If he is at work I obviously do bedtime alone but if he has had a week of not being here at bedtime then he will do bedtime on his own for 1-2 nights to give me a break. 2 evenings a month he comes in from working a 12hr shift right at bedtime but having not seen DD all day he will take over where ever I have got to and do the rest of bedtime.
We only have 1 DD who is 4.

My DH worked long hours but when he was home, he did his fair share of parenting - playing, feeding, changing, bathing, homework, bedtimes. He did this because he actively wanted to spend time with his children. He missed them when he had to work away or work late. I was a SAHM and did most of the housework but when he was home, he would clear up after dinner/put washing on and hang it up - basically whatever needed to be done. And he never complained about it.

Your husband is an arse 🙁

He's being unreasonable. I'm a SAHM, DH works long hours. He puts both of our kids to bed every weeknight provided he's home (he's frequently away or not home in time but if he's there he puts them to bed). It's the main time he gets to spend with them each day.

Any man with twins who left his wife do all the work is a monster. Whatever about one child surely he could see it's nearly impossible with twins. He obviously has no interest in his children or he would want to spend time with them. Does he ever kick a ball or play a game with them? Try and go back to work and prepare to get free from this horrible, selfish man

I deteste doing bedtime. Its my least favourite time of the day. So DH mainly does it.

I do it occasionally to give him a break.

Im a SAHM and my husband does bedtime alone every night. He actually wants to so he can spend time with DC. I spend that time doing chores so we can both relax together in the evening.

Your not asking him to help you are asking him to parent his own children.

Such useless men around.

For reference me and my husband do it this way: we have twins but he works 9-5.30. therefore my sham hours are 9-5.30. everything after that is shared. One cooks/one cleans one does bathtime/one does bedtime etc

Why are your hours 24/7?

We’ve always alternated, or split up and dealt with kids separately when we had 2 in different rooms. I’ve had jobs where I’ve worked away for a night or 2 occasionally as well so DH would do bedtimes solo. I didn’t work for a year when we had 2 under 4 and he still did bedtimes.

I really sympathise and understand why you had to give up employment. I had similar problems with a school refusing child and it’s frankly a miracle I still have a job (largely because DC was older and DH worked from home)

Wow, that is really not ok. Your husband sounds like a total prick.

I do the majority of childcare for my DS (gone from being a SAHM for 2 years to working part time for 2 years) as my husband works long hours for our business mostly from home. We both 'work' the same hours every day. Once he finishes work somewhere between 5 and 6pm he comes down and gets stuck in with parenting. We work together with making dinner, clear up, bath, bed etc. Only once my son is asleep do we both clock off for the night. That is fair! We both get the exact same amount of free time at the end of the day and we both contribute to our household from wake up until bedtime.

Unfortunately your husband doesn't sound like he respects your role within the family. He clearly thinks his role is more important. I think in your position I would return to work and get him to do his fair share. I couldn't be a SAHM when my husband treated me like that.

Being at home is a full time job by itself! Let alone having children to contend with…there is no down time. No clocking in and out. No 8 hour days! It’s a logistical nightmare…literally. Try a reward chart for the children if they stay in their own beds. A tonie box to tell the story possibly. A white noise to then settle them to sleep. You are in the trenches currently but trust it doesn’t last forever.

I’d walk out and tell him to call me when they’re in bed, tell him we aren’t a team so I don’t have to consider him, I need a job with a husband that doesn’t do anything at home while I’m here, probably evenings so he’s solo parenting in the evening, and if he doesn’t work out how to do reading with them then he’s a shit dad, and go out for a few hours. I’d rather cut the power than let him lie in bed watching tv, do you think he’s abusive?
“

My husband has always worked full time in an intense job ..long hours..travel etc. He has always done as much as bedtime as me ! They are his kids...we both have busy days and he is just as busy with house and kids as I am whatever my day has been like