AIBU to retire significantly before my husband

[Iampondering]

So this is planning ahead as we are early 40s (he is 18 months older) but a bit of an argument came up last night and I genuinely don’t know if IABU.

Context, I am the main breadwinner and always have been. Currently I earn 3 x my DH’s salary but that has been more at some points. He is not ambitious at all and is very happy in his low paying job. I am very ambitious and have always had well paying but very high stress / long hours roles. Housework and childcare is split 50/50. All money goes into a joint pot, there is no mine vs his.

We are financially very comfortable due to my work (and generally not being big spenders) and should be on track to retire early, by 60ish. I’m feeling increasingly burnt out however and was musing about retiring earlier or going very part time at 55ish, but him continuing to work until 60 so we don’t eat into too much capital too soon.

He strongly objected to this and said we should retire together. I wondered what people thought? I appreciate it’s a very first world problem to have and we are very very lucky.

Far too early for these kind of discussions leading to arguments. Enjoy your 40s!

Did he give a reason why he feels this way?

I am retired and my DP still works. Long story short, I lost interest and got fed up while DP loves her job. She may go part time in a few years but has no plans to stop. We are in our 60s have enough money to both be fully retired if we wanted to.

I think you've opened a can of worms, he's shown that he cares more about your salary than he does about you.

It's also a bit wild to have more than a light conversation about what you'll do in around 20 years time,

What's the appropriate age for these discussions?

I don't think it's a weird conversation to have. I do think it's a bit unfair for you to fully retire many years earlier, especially if you don't have the concept of 'my money, your money'. I'd suggest a compromise of you going part time from your fifties, maybe so you earn equal amounts and keep going until you both agree you can afford to both retire.

Why are people saying it is too early to discuss this? If you want to retire at 55 you need to decide in time to save for it!

we are in our 40s. I decided I want the option to retire at 62 (well that was the earliest I could afford according to pension projections), and increased my contributions accordingly. I told my DH. He may or may not have sorted his out to go at the same time or age. Anyway we all know what my plans are. However we have similar salaries and separate money.

in your position I would say to DH the age you want to stop/step back. Work out, if he wants to go at the same time, how much extra needs to go into pensions from the joint pot. Ask him what his choice is.

I don’t think it’s too early to have the conversation. I do think it sounds a bit like you value him less and he may feel like he’s being punished for being in a lower paid job. Presumably you knew who he was when you married him and combined lives and incomes? Or has he fundamentally changed?

I don't think you're being unreasonable about going part-time at least.
If you've contributed significantly over the years and have made sufficient provision for your later years/and can survive on your part-time income for a few years; why shouldn't you?
Your partner can't decide he's free to have no ambition/earn a low income, whilst chaining you to your desk full-time.

I don't think there is any value in having this discussion now. It's impossible for either of you (or any of us) to tell whether it's reasonable or not because it's too early to have enough information.

In general, I think it's fine to retire at different times, but not to tell your DH that he MUST retire five years later than you because he earns less. I think you switching your job/cutting your hours down at some point to have a similar work/life balance to him would be fair though.

Why don't you go part time now? As long as you can match your husband's wage why do you need to work full time?

Way to early for this, one of you could fall ill and have to stop work sooner.

Could you retire from the full time full on job and pick up some consultancy,or a more back-room.part time role which used your skills and knowledge but was as a pp suggested, only earning equivalent to your dh?

Im late 60s and still working as it's interesting! But only about 1/2 time if that, and self employed so i can pick and choose. I think I might feel a bit useless with no role at all 😅

I really wouldn't worry now. You have almost twenty years to go and you have to navigate the menopause and potentially all sorts of health issues long before then. I did not realise how much my health would decline once I hit 50/menopause.

OP has said that her high paying role is very high stress with long hours so she is probably more tired and stressed than her husband who is in a much lower paid and less stressful job that he really enjoys.

I presume that OP will be burnt out much earlier than her husband. I don't think that she is being unreasonable and it's unfair of her husband just to shut her down by saying 'no', that they must retire together. Surely he can't object to OP moving to part-time at 55?

He's not asking you to retire later, he's asking you to work out how he can retire at the same time as you.

Perhaps the next conversation needs to be about how he will plan and prepare to allow you both to retire young.

DH is a year older than me. We both plan to retire at 60 and are working towards that goal. He's not sure yet whether he'll work the extra year waiting for me or not, but we'll think about that in another decade - we're mid 40s now.

54, high earner and burnt out. Definitely plan your exit OP

I've been planning when to retire since I turned 40, I want options and these things need planning for, I'm amazed at people saying it's too early!

If you’re ’getting burnt out’ now then really you need to think of yourself and perhaps transition into a less demanding job earlier ?

My DH retired three years ago at 55.
I'm still working.

I had the lower paid job over the years, I did most childcare. My career never had the chance to prosper as much as his due to me being a foreigner. (Language, qualifications etc)
He loved his job and I hate mine.
So I'm not gonna lie, given the circumstances I do feel pretty resentful that HE had this opportunity to retire and not me.

I think it would be better to frame the question as “when do you both want to retire?” And then look at what you both need to do to make that financially feasible, hopefully that’ll then expose the gap from his side, and he can decide how he would address that. Rather than dictating to him when he can/should retire.

Didn't you discuss this before it happened though? And talk about how your retirement would work?

I’m basically retired now at 54 , on long term sick and negotiating voluntary exit - I’ve always planned on being in a position to retire at 55 as I’ve had so many chronic health issues so have prioritised saving etc. DH won’t be able to retire based on his current financial position but is looking to go part time and I have said I am happy to downsize and release his equity from the house and also pay for holidays etc - I’d quite like to have him around more as due to health issues I spend a lot of time alone but thankfully enjoy my own company too.

If my husband (who earns double my salary) told me he was retiring early but I could just keep working based purely on my salary I'd tell him to fuck off.
I dont agree there's a direct correlation bw salary and how hard you have to work though. But if you do, then you could maybe transfer to a nice easy minimum wage job instead?

No, early 40s high earner and burnt out

This is, of course,the mature way to handle it.