AIBU to retire significantly before my husband

[Iampondering]

So this is planning ahead as we are early 40s (he is 18 months older) but a bit of an argument came up last night and I genuinely don’t know if IABU.

Context, I am the main breadwinner and always have been. Currently I earn 3 x my DH’s salary but that has been more at some points. He is not ambitious at all and is very happy in his low paying job. I am very ambitious and have always had well paying but very high stress / long hours roles. Housework and childcare is split 50/50. All money goes into a joint pot, there is no mine vs his.

We are financially very comfortable due to my work (and generally not being big spenders) and should be on track to retire early, by 60ish. I’m feeling increasingly burnt out however and was musing about retiring earlier or going very part time at 55ish, but him continuing to work until 60 so we don’t eat into too much capital too soon.

He strongly objected to this and said we should retire together. I wondered what people thought? I appreciate it’s a very first world problem to have and we are very very lucky.

It’s none of you business though is it? It’s not relevant to the question she’s asking in any way shape or form. She can sit on her arse all day long if she wants and can afford to!

Similar situation here. DH has a job he says he can do for the next 20 years. My job pays 3 or 4 times what his does but long hours/high stress means there is absolutely no way I could do it for that long. We're financially planning so that I can take a significant step back in 5-10 years. I won't retire until he does, but I should be able to work part-time and in a less stressful role. Seems fair and he has absolutely no objections.

You either see the merit in the argument you are making yourself or you don’t @Iampondering people are reflecting your position back to you and you are getting defensive on behalf of your DH.

It doesn’t matter what any of us think but it should matter what you think. Personally I firmly believe your suggestion was absolutely fair you are doing the absolute grind now to get time back later while you your DH is taking the time now and very selfishly IMHO, disagrees with you.

I retired 5 years before my DH but I am 2 years older, I also took out a pension at 21, he started his at 26. It not too early to talk about how retirement works. TK be a success unless you are rolling in cash requires planning. I started thinking generally about it at 21. The age to retire was 60 for women then so early was 55 which I did do.

It’s not too young to retire if you have plans, we toured for almost 2 months last year. Should have been at least 3 but MIL was unwell. Before that I threw myself in to volunteering, still do a bit they are very flexible. I’m away now.

You don't know anything about my situation. Both my husband and I work.

I would rather be in my situation than resentful and penny pinching towards my husband.

Not everyone can have a super high paying career, and multiple times when my husband has considered another job with more money I have said he needs to be happy, and asked if it's worth him being away from home/having a worse work life balance, because hes my husband and I love him.

You're right- I know nothing about your and your husband. My comment was in response to your post, and the OP's thread. OP earns more than her husband, she should make provisions alongside her family to take care of herself.

And she’s his wife, he loves her and surely wants her to be happy? She’s suffering from high stress and heading for burnout while he has an easy stress free job. Why would he not want her to be able to retire?

I think it would make sense to try find a different or less stressful job first vs retiring so young. If he had a problem with that he's an arse.

But I get the impression OP doesn't want him to retire as early as her due to resentment, and I don't think thats the right way to handle a marriage.

Why are you doing 5050 and putting everything in a shared pot and then surprised he thought you'd retire at the same time with the same money?

If he can financially back himself he can retire whenever he wants? OP hasn’t said he’s not allowed to, the point is he’s made no effort to plan for his future and is even letting his wife pay his pension and savings for him 😬 that would be such a massive turn off for me, a man that can’t support himself. So he can’t retire early because he doesn’t have the backing. It can’t be said she’s not supported him!

She’s made the effort and if she can afford to retire early then she absolutely should.

It’s not 50/50 due to the tax advantages of salary sacrifice pension. But what I get after tax is ‘our’ money, and has such he has mid/low 6 figures invested in his name now.

I think it's great to have these discussions early, but also to be open to how things might change. I went from high pressure corporate job to high pressure self-employed, to a mix of high pressure self-employed and hobby self employed. Now mid 60s and only doing the hobby self-employed, as and when I want to. I couldn't have anticipated any of that in my early 40s.

This.

She's changed the narrative.

Up until now she's pretended to believe they're equal partners and that she respects him.

Of course he looked disappointed when she said the quiet part out loud and admitted she's never seen him as an equal partner with equal access to their nominally joint finances - in fact she's always tacitly assumed she calls the shots because she earns more - and is now telling him he can't retire when she does but has to keep working.

She's pulled the rug right out from under him because they've been pretending to be an equal partnership and she's just told him that's not actually how she sees it, actually it's all about money.