AIBU to retire significantly before my husband

[Iampondering]

So this is planning ahead as we are early 40s (he is 18 months older) but a bit of an argument came up last night and I genuinely don’t know if IABU.

Context, I am the main breadwinner and always have been. Currently I earn 3 x my DH’s salary but that has been more at some points. He is not ambitious at all and is very happy in his low paying job. I am very ambitious and have always had well paying but very high stress / long hours roles. Housework and childcare is split 50/50. All money goes into a joint pot, there is no mine vs his.

We are financially very comfortable due to my work (and generally not being big spenders) and should be on track to retire early, by 60ish. I’m feeling increasingly burnt out however and was musing about retiring earlier or going very part time at 55ish, but him continuing to work until 60 so we don’t eat into too much capital too soon.

He strongly objected to this and said we should retire together. I wondered what people thought? I appreciate it’s a very first world problem to have and we are very very lucky.

He’s not contributing 50/50 though, OP has said that she’s been bringing home 3 x his salary and all the money has been shared. If OP had kept her money separate and insisted that everything was paid 50/50, then she would likely have been able to retire earlier. He has chosen to stay in a low paid job because he wanted an easy, stress free life, and has been perfectly happy for OP to pick up the tab for a lifestyle that he never would have been able to afford without her. He hasn’t contributed anywhere near what OP has to the family finances, and therefore, it’s his turn to pick up the slack.

Precisely - this is exactly why OP needs to consider herself and her life first. I get it's easier said than done.

You’re not unreasonable at all. Everyone had decisions to make in life, one of them is career choice and ambition. You made choices and put effort in to your career, you work hard and you deal with extra stress and responsibilities to get the salary you earn. You say you also put ALL your money into a family pot, so he’s getting just as much benefit from your hard work as you are.

The least you deserve is to benefit from your efforts by being able to retire early. It’s not your job to earn money for him just because he wants an easy life.

I know for me personally, work can bring me down and I would love to retire early!! I certainly wouldn’t let lack of effort or foreplanning from my DP prevent me from doing so if it became possible. If he’s not planned for his future that’s his own lookout!

He's paid half the bills surely?

This is the perfect time for these conversations.

My DH and I retired together a few years ago in our early/mid 50’s, I would have found it difficult if he had retired me before. If this had been the plan I would have liked to know sooner rather than later.

She quite literally wrote that he pays for outgoings 50/50 and works longer hours outside the house.

He's in a lower paying career, not working less. She's telling him he has to work longer than her. He's not telling her he can't retire early - she's telling him he can't.

Honestly you lost me at 50/50 split of household tasks when he earns 1/4 of the household income while you earn 3/4 and it is combined.

Plenty of people have unequal earnings but usually the overall situation is equitable even if it comes as you suggest at retirement.

I’d be getting out of that arrangement now not when I retire, he is a piss taker.

She didn’t - she clearly says housework and childcare are 50/50 but that ALL money is pooled, she doesn’t keep back her own money. So if that pot is shared for the family outgoings she’s paying 3 times for than him for everything. She also explicitly states it is her working the long hours, and 60 hour weeks in a high stress job.

I’ve just reviewed her posts and can’t see her saying the opposite anywhere but feel free to highlight it if I’ve missed something?

Would you tell a nurse married to a doctor that she was a shitty lazy slacker and should retire later than than her husband because she'd earnt less, despite both working full time?

What about a GP married to a stock broker? Lazy unambitious slacker - why wasn't she more ambitious - of course she should pick up the slack so and work five years longer than her stockbroker husband so that their ETAs would remain untouched.

For the poster claiming he doesn't pay 50% of living costs. edited to add: @JumpingJimny

Gosh getting heated. Thanks again for all the comments.
He isn’t lazy, nor is he a slacker. However he is happy to have an easier life at work. He has had many chances to step into a management position for instance and has chosen not to because he doesn’t want to. Totally his choice of course, but that means his salary will always be capped and his stress levels lower.

In terms of our financial split there is no “he pays for” or “I pay for” as everything goes into one joint account. From this we pay normal household bills (equivalent to half his salary) and the remainder goes on a holiday, my pension, adding to his SIPP, an ISA for me and an ISA for him.

In all likelihood if we weren’t together he would be working until state pension kicks in. Because we are together we should (hopefully!) be able to retire before 60. My AIBU was for me wanting to retire another 5 years earlier than that.

Hope that makes sense!

I don’t think it’s too early to have the conversation. I’m late 30s and DH is mid 40s. He loves his job and will retire at 65. We have already talked about me retiring or going part time at about 60 so we can retire together. And we’re planning financially around that. You can’t wait until retirement age to decide what you want to do!
I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to retire early given your high stress job. The benefit of the high stress job is you earn well which allows you options that others don’t have. Your DH needs to understand that this is the trade off - yes you earn well but for a lot of people that’s not sustainable until full retirement age. He needs to take more responsibility in financial planning and not leave it all to you - this which might mean him pushing to earn more so he can retire early too.

That’s not the same thing as contributing 50/50 to the family finances though is it? The savings, pensions and holidays are down to OP. It’s perfectly reasonable for OP to expect him to work longer because he hasn’t earned the money to retire early. He could have taken on a higher paying job and additional stress and he chose not to - and now he expects OP to fund his early retirement. He’s being very selfish.

Where did I say that he was a ‘shitty lazy slacker’? He could have taken in a higher paid job with more stress but chose not to because he preferred to have an easier life. He’s perfectly entitled to make that choice, but choices have consequences. Now he expects somebody else to fund his retirement.

So you’re also paying into a pension and an ISA for him?! Good lord, he’s being very selfish to take the hump at you retiring! You’re doing far more than I would!

I don’t blame him for not getting into management. As the OP said herself, usually it’s salary based and the title comes with a shit load more responsibility, stress, and uncompensated hours, for often barely 30k before tax. Much, much less in retail
Having both parents working flat out achieves what?

I had to read that three times to make sure I didn't misunderstand.. Same / agree with you! OP is clearly a very nice woman because I am definitely not doing this.

I think the attitude on this thread is quite sad and not how marriage should be. At times I have had more money than my husband and vice versa, it's always just been our money.

If I earnt 3x as much as him, it makes more sense for us both to work 18 months longer and then retire together vs him work 5 more years.

I also think 55 is very young to retire and you might get bored or old before your time? Especially if you plan to live frugally for the rest of your life. I would want to do something so I could help my children with house deposits or save for private medical expenses.

Remember, OP - never, ever put what you need first because you're just a host who exists to be parasitised.

Agree. The answers on this thread would be totally different if genders were reversed. Marriage is about so much more than financial equity. Partners each bring different things to the table. As long as over the whole marriage you are both averaging out your 50% then you are equal. So OP might earn more, but I bet there is an aspect of their relationship or life that he is “better” at. I know that’s what it’s like in my marriage.

You're not unreasonable to say you want to retire from your job at 55 but you are unreasonable to suggest he keeps on going. The good thing is you have plenty of time to keep talking about this. For instance presuming you have a mortgage that might be paid off by the time you reach 55... would you consider working part time doing something much less stressful to pay for day to day expenses after 55? Or could you invest wisely now so neither of you needed to work? Or could you meet him half way with the age so you work a little longer and he retires a little sooner than planned? This is just the beginning of the conversation that you both need to keep on having. I imagine he reacted in shock when you first suggested it. He needs time to get his head around what you'd like to do. I can see why he might think your suggestion implies you deserve to finish sooner than him because you bring more to the table. He probably felt you were happy with the status quo until now. If it was the other way round ie he was the main breadwinner and he wanted to retire early and let you carry on working how would you feel about that? You're a partnership.. he needs to feel that you still see things that way.

What are you going to do all day instead of work? Won't you be quite bored?

Nope, my view would be the same. If you have put yourself out and worked your arse off in a long hours, stressful job, you deserve to reap the rewards for that. If someone else chooses the easy path which affords less money, they don’t automatically deserve to benefit from the other person. While there may well be some imbalance where the higher earner provides some financial subsidy, and shares their extra wealth, I don’t think that should necessarily be the case if that other person really is providing NOTHING else. This guy isn’t a stay at home dad raising the kids, he just doesn’t want to work as hard as his wife but expects all the benefits. SOME benefits, yeah ok… but to essentially completely share all her earnings to the point of having her pay into pensions and ISAs for him?! Just no. And I’d feel the same if it was reversed.

I don’t think it’s even remotely fair that he gets a comfortable lifestyle at your expense now if there’s no reward for you at some point. A high stress level can be an early killer and you may find you don’t live as long as him if you continue this lifestyle. I would
feel the same if the tables were turned btw. If he is going to resent this (and I do understand why he might) then there needs to be a discussion where by he either takes on more domestic work so your work hours are more similar, works towards a promotion or extra hours or he spends even less so that you can afford for him to retire at the same time as you.

Sorry but this from you is the epitome of the countless women on MM who "pooled" money with their husbands / partners / boyfriends and then come on here when they are truly and utterly f*cked when they split and the woman is left with little, or nothing. Because she has invested in her partner, their kids and their life and didn't make a plan.

There is nothing wrong with a woman who is planning and thinking about the future. She might include her husband and kids in that planning, good. She should also consider "what if?". "What if" happens every single day and hundreds of times on MM every single week. She is burnt out and even if she could muster up another 10 years which is great for her private pension, savings etc., it's shit and I don't blame her for wanting to figure how to get out.

55 is not young to semi-retire. I have a financial plan in place to semi-retire at 55. And, like OP, have spent the last couple of years working through that plan and like OP, earn a shit load more than my partner. OP planning now means she might not need to live frugally for the rest of her life. She could raise kids, be with or without her husband and still feel and be financially secure because she has planned for her future now while she can. Good for her!