AIBU to retire significantly before my husband

[Iampondering]

So this is planning ahead as we are early 40s (he is 18 months older) but a bit of an argument came up last night and I genuinely don’t know if IABU.

Context, I am the main breadwinner and always have been. Currently I earn 3 x my DH’s salary but that has been more at some points. He is not ambitious at all and is very happy in his low paying job. I am very ambitious and have always had well paying but very high stress / long hours roles. Housework and childcare is split 50/50. All money goes into a joint pot, there is no mine vs his.

We are financially very comfortable due to my work (and generally not being big spenders) and should be on track to retire early, by 60ish. I’m feeling increasingly burnt out however and was musing about retiring earlier or going very part time at 55ish, but him continuing to work until 60 so we don’t eat into too much capital too soon.

He strongly objected to this and said we should retire together. I wondered what people thought? I appreciate it’s a very first world problem to have and we are very very lucky.

Of course we did.
I was delighted for him and strongly urged him to go.

My post is about my honest feelings afterwards. I didn't expect to feel this way and really just have to get on with it.
But my point was that this " inequality" of opportunity can bring out unexpected feelings.

And setting off to work whilst your partner gets ready to spend the morning at their hobby rankles. I'm only human. I want some of that too.

There are advantages, now he does 100 percent of housework, but even so....

I wouldn’t be happy about partner retiring well ahead of me because I made sacrifices to my pension when on mat leave and when I was out of work for a year due to the extremely tough jobs market. I also did more care and night wakings with our child than him. I couldn’t imagine working full time while he goes out playing golf every day!

However you shouldn’t be feeling burnt out and that can be addressed. Why don’t you switch to a 4 day week for a few years?

I think they may of been giving their situation and advice (or that’s how took it)

I'm a bit confused how your husband can have such a "low paying job" that you (with 2 kids and the extra expenses) could retire at 55 by only earning 3x that?

If he earns min wage it's about £25k and you're on £75k? That doesn't seem enough

I know you say it's been more at points but you're only early 40s so can't have amassed that much wealth surely

you can do what you want op!I'd probably drop to 4 days a week now and then you can at least have a day a week to yourself! then maybe down to 3 days

eventually retiring when you can afford it!

I suppose he can do what he wants too - but if he does the same as you - you're likely to end up in a shit financial position

how would you afford to live?

Do you not like your job? maybe do something less stressful in a few years if you are feeling burnt out

I think retiring roughly the same time is better

and a second plan to work on the stress element of your work

and when having that conversation and working out your sums remember that even lower paid work can still be exhausting or stressful as time goes on - and perhaps he has less stress resilience which is why he was less ambitious for example

If you’re feeling burnt out now, how are you going to sustain work for another 15 years or so? I’d start making changes now so you can maintain your physical and emotional health for the remainder of your working life, however long that might be.

Why should it be OP’s responsibility to work that out?

OP i agree with those asking why you cat go part time earlier? A high stress job for so long can’t be good for you.
Gosh to be earning 3-4times in a highly stressful role while his job is low stress he’s looking to retire the same time as you? I would expect his immediate response to be in agreement because he cares about you

Of course you don't have to retire qt exactly the same time. He is being a man baby thinking you are getting something he can't have. The reality is, if he is a bit older, you retire at 55, he retires at 60, it is only 3 years, that you have earned. If he wants to retire younger, time for him to start fully investing in his own future.

You have no idea where you both will be health wise by that point. I’d save these conversations for a bit nearer the time.

I think as a general principal, it's perfectly reasonable for one person to retire earlier the other because they have had a physically or mentally more stressful job.

However, you don't know what will happen over the next 10-15 years. One or both of your jobs may have been subsumed by AI. One of you might fall ill. You might get divorced. I wouldn't get worked up about it yet.

I don't think the OP is saying she should retire early because she has earned more money, but rather because her job is more stressful and she is feeling burned out.

Tbh I think the main thing this points to is it’s almost never possible to ‘even things out’ years later. I know a few people who have made plans on those grounds - one person is a trailing spouse so the others career can prosper, one drops to part time for the kids but they’ll get to have their time in the future etc etc.

Unless it’s very short term it pretty much never works out. The issue here is you are doing more than him now- you’re doing 50/50 childcare and housework but by the sounds of it your hours and stress allocation is more like 70/30. In your mind some of this discrepancy is being ‘banked’ and can be put right in the future, what this is highlighting is he doesn’t see it like that.

So first of focus on the here and now - what is required for your household to function? Is your job one that can go part time? If not, can you re-examine the split between you? I think your household, broadly speaking, has to have everyone working the same amount given their own set of skills and capabilities. So, if one partner has health issues and can only work part time, well then they and their spouse are probably both contributing as much as they can even if the other is full time. It sounds v much like your resentment is coming from the fact your husband is doing less now, and isn’t even appreciative.

So I would start with that, and then look at an even way to handle retirement once it’s resolved.

My OH retired at 42! His job was taking too great a toll on his health. He went on to do bits of freelance to make a bit of money. We downsized as a family to release capital and I upped my hours.

It was the right decision, but the effect on his pension is enormous of course. But I could not watch him go under.

I would be furious if my husband said he was retiring early and expected me to work for 5 more years. YABU

I retired early and DH still works. He could retire but he likes his job and wants to see certain projects through. He'll probably retire in a year though. I have asked him if he's ever minded me retiring years ago and he's said no. I hated my last years of work and DH says he's happy I put a stop to it. We both have independent finances and contribute equally to all bills.

That's why I said a conversation about how HE will plan for and prepare. Not the OP.

If butn out is the problem the OP would do better tackling that now than on planning for retirement.

You need to have a conversation with him about the here and now if you're starting to feel burnt out. If his job is significantly easier and less stressful than yours could he not pick up more of the household tasks and childcare? You might need to retire or go part time a lot sooner than you think. (Are you fully insured for loss of income due to health issues?)

You have to plan well ahead for retirement!

All money goes into a joint pot, there is no mine vs his.

Is your pension sufficient to replace your salary OP or do you mean you will start living off the shared money before him?

I don't think the retirement is the issue here. The problem is that you're already feeling burnout. It's a long way till retirement. You need to look at reducing stress now or you may not have the choice but to retire early due to health issues. Your dh isn't thinking of you, unless you haven't explained how you're feeling of course.

Your 40s is definitely not too early to have these conversations! People saying so are wild! But this isn't a cut-and-dried conversation that strangers on the internet can really comment on. You both have to sit with your pensions advisor and work out what is right for you both - in terms of affordability, fairness and your potential for burnout.

I totally understand this!

I've had a similar experience - after a few years in the corporate world (not eligible for the employer pension scheme) I retrained into a vocational career with good potential pension, but moved moved abroad for dh's job when the children were small (and had another child abroad). Initially very difficult for me to work with multiple small children and not speaking the language but always worked a bit, mixing tutoring, and part time, low skilled jobs that fitted around the children.
Made a real effort with the language and retrained again (but sponsored by employer so some money coming in whilst retraining, which took years as vocational degree equivalent).
Finally earning an okay (just above average salary again and had to return to the UK for various reasons - hard to find a job at 50 and at nowhere near the level it would have been if hadn't done so many different shuffles.

Meanwhile DH earns steadily in increasingly high paid roles and his pension is 5x mine.

It's not as if I've had it easy, it's had it's highlights and the kids are fantastic, best things in my life, but he has the kids too! It's generally been a struggle again and again and I've always found a way through.

I do a just above average salary job still and being low paid compared to my husband doesn't mean I've taken some "lazy girl" (tiktok thing adult child was outraged by the other day) route!

Being less well paid in a vocation that is rewarding in non financial ways doesn't magically mean you actually love your job and aren't exhausted and ground down as much as someone earning more. The flippant assumption that the lower earner should be grateful to work til they drop is depressing.

My husband (high earner, 3.5 yrs older) retired at 54, I plan to retire at 60 (part-time teacher). I had/have absolutely no problem with it at all - in fact encouraged it. His hard work and stepping up into higher paid/more stressful roles over decades has given us a comfortable life and meant I could justify long-term part time and not bother taking on more responsibility. I was worried he wouldn’t make it to retirement if he continued much longer…high pressure jobs can take their toll.