To decline my friend’s bbq invite ?

[AleaEim]

I have a friend who is amazing however, I am not crazy about her friends or even her husband for that matter. She’s invited me to a bbq as she does every year and I think this time I will decline and just say I’m busy. I didn’t attend her birthday this year for the same reason. Anytime I have been out with her husband he doesn’t talk, doesn’t even say hello (she thinks he’s autistic but I get a snobby vibe from him). Her friends are just not my cup of tea and I struggle to find common ground, they’re quite reserved and middle class whereas I’m more chatty and have a very different job/ lifestyle to them. Some of them are on the obnoxious side and I just don’t have similar values. I have tried several times to enjoy their company at these gatherings but it’s getting to the stage I’m wasting a precious weekend day with people I don’t care for and I don’t have time for that as I work full time. Sometimes I feel I need to force myself to these things because i don’t have many friends left in my area (lots have moved out of the city) but surely I shouldn’t have to right?

“It’s an invitation, not a summons”…… as the saying goes

I don't think you're unreasonable but it is likely to have an effect on the friendship if you keep declining these things. It's for you to work out how likely or whether suffering through these events is something you're prepared to do.

I wouldn’t give this a second thought, just politely decline. I wouldn’t dream of attending something I think I wouldn’t enjoy. Life is way too short.

Fine to say you’re busy if it’s not your cup of tea. Just see her 1:1

You don’t have to go to any event-but your reasons sound a bit odd. Middle class v. chatty? What does that mean? And autistic v. snobby? And what does obnoxious mean?

I'm going to guess that OP goes to these things and tries to make conversation with these people but it's rather like "trying to get blood out of a stone" as the saying goes.

Definitely don't go, sounds awful. You should enjoy your weekends not force yourself into social situations with people you don't want to be around. I can't stand it when ppl try to merge up different friend groups I think its inconsiderate. Just say no!

They are basic English language words she has provided.

Yes, I thought this.

I also don't really get how they are reserved and also obnoxious.

Anyway, don't go if you don't want to. I say no to plenty of invitations and it is absolutely fine. Nobody minds (unless you never go to anything at all with them obviously)

It's pretty easy to get the picture from the descriptions. Using synonyms isn't going to elucidate further or affect the answer to her question - which is a dilemma arising from conflicting feelings.

I think it would be useful to know in what way the op finds them obnoxious tbh, but to a point it doesn't really matter. Op doesn't need a solid reason not to like these people or to want to spend time with them. Sometimes it is just that you don't get on well and that's that

Either take her out for a lovely afternoon tea /birthday meal or drop in for an hour right at the start to give her gift and have a chat. Say you have another commitment but wanted to wish her a happy birthday and have a drink to celebrate..

Don't make it into a big thing, just keep it low key and see her separately especially if she's a lovely friend. They are hard to find nowadays so cherish her regardless of her social circle.

Don't go. Well done for giving it a go in the past but in experience these things never change. Focus on seeing your friend in a 1:1 capacity there's nothing wrong with that.

For what it's worth I don't think that it's wrong to try and bring people together, it's just that it doesn't always work.

Does she always need her entourage or does she fly solo on meet ups too? Assuming you can meet 121, I'd tell her you can't make it but ask if the two of you can meet up another time.

Absolutely this

I do find it doesn’t work out when you mix people a lot of the time. It’s just a bunch of aquaintances hanging out together over and over again and never getting further than that.i get it for a birthday but this is not for a special occasion. I used to to say yes to most things my friends asked me to but now I’ve a toddler (who is invited and other kids will be there) I just want to be selective and I think it’s a good example to show her I am consistent with friendships rather than dragging her around places at weekends with people I don’t even like. The annoying thing is I like when my friend hosts things with our closer friends but they’re not coming this time, they live further out now and it’s impractical. She hosts a good social, is very hospitable so it is a shame to miss it.

Ultimately you have to do what works for you whilst being realistic about how it affects the relationship. If you have the opportunity to meet one to one or with just the other friend then that's fine.

I get op when you dont click even if you try.

Just a polit decline and fizzle out from it all.

I would definitely decline. But I wouldn't tell my friend it's because I'm busy, because then she'll keep inviting me to these things. I'd just be honest with her and tell her "look, I really appreciate your invitations and that you want to include me in your events, but I have to be honest...I struggle with your friends. They are all nice enough, but we just don't vibe at all, and don't have much in common to talk about. I'll happily see you any time, but I don't think I feel comfortable around your friends".

It’s fine not to go but don’t go kidding yourself you’re teaching your toddler a lesson in adult boundaries op, that was reaching 😁 they won’t know it’s not on if you don’t go, and unless you sob your way through it they won’t know you’re not having a wonderful time.

I would decline, but it might have impacts for your friendship if you only want to see her 121. Some people prefer group socializing and don't do much individually so if someone doesn't fit their circle the friendship can fizzle out.

That’s silly, OP. Don’t go if you don’t want to go, and if you can limit the impact on your friendship, but don’t delude yourself you’re modelling something important for your toddler. Who would presumably just run around with the other kids rather than monitoring her mother to see if she’s enjoying herself.

It’s still not very clear what you mean by ‘obnoxious’ and ‘different values’, which are a very different thing to ‘more reserved’ and having a ‘different job/lifestyle’. Their social class is neither here nor there unless you think all middle-class people are reserved and all WC people are loud and chatty. I had people around on Friday night. They included a nail technician, a lorry driver, a SAHM, an architect and a neurosurgeon. I’m WC but don’t apply a class test for friends.

Yeah that’s what I worry about but she does enjoy meeting up 1:1 also.

I would love to be this assertive, I’m learning and maybe one day I can be like this. I’m a bit of a people pleaser and need to practice being better.