To decline my friend’s bbq invite ?

[AleaEim]

I have a friend who is amazing however, I am not crazy about her friends or even her husband for that matter. She’s invited me to a bbq as she does every year and I think this time I will decline and just say I’m busy. I didn’t attend her birthday this year for the same reason. Anytime I have been out with her husband he doesn’t talk, doesn’t even say hello (she thinks he’s autistic but I get a snobby vibe from him). Her friends are just not my cup of tea and I struggle to find common ground, they’re quite reserved and middle class whereas I’m more chatty and have a very different job/ lifestyle to them. Some of them are on the obnoxious side and I just don’t have similar values. I have tried several times to enjoy their company at these gatherings but it’s getting to the stage I’m wasting a precious weekend day with people I don’t care for and I don’t have time for that as I work full time. Sometimes I feel I need to force myself to these things because i don’t have many friends left in my area (lots have moved out of the city) but surely I shouldn’t have to right?

OP, you don't have to give a reason not to go. Your friend won't ask why. Could you say you can't make it but then invite her to your place or to meet up another time in the same message. Personally I never give any thought to people not being able to attend and just enjoy myself with those who do. We don't all like the same things and have competing priorities. I think having a toddler makes you consider how you spend your time. I wouldn't make any comments about her friends though-I think that would be unkind. She also has the right to spend her time with whoever she wants. Can you meet up with your friend who has moved and her instead? Maybe you arrange that next.

I understand. But honestly, in my experience, people are super understanding and don't take honesty as an insult (as long as you're being polite). It can also help to send these messages across via text rather than in person.

Good luck!

It means she doesn't like the people and doesn't feel comfortable around them. People feel this way about others for all sorts of reasons, because different people like different people.
The question being should she endure the BBQ for her friends sake or not.
My view is not. The friend will have a crowd so it's not like OPs presence will make or break the event. Sometimes it's just oil and water and there's no point trying to force a mix.

Nah, I'm so over going to things where I know I'll either be bored, annoyed, isolated or whatever in the middle of the other guests.

That has nothing to do with the friend who invited me, more the dynamic of her family (not all of them) and guests.

I still meet up, but just with her, and that's worked out fine. I don't often get invites from her, but when I do I either say it'll only be for an hour as I have to be at X, or I decline. Life is much calmer and easier (for me) that way. It takes a bit of practice to say no or decline, but it gets easier, and no one will miss me or OP, you can be sure of that!

I’m WC but don’t apply a class test for friends.

This is well put. I think the OP is absolutely entitled not to go to any event she doesn’t want to go to, and maybe her friend’s friends just genuinely aren’t her kind of people. But it’s a little bit difficult to tell from the original post whether there’s a bit of reverse snobbery that’s being applied, or maybe just projecting class assumptions onto the friend’s friends, and interpreting everything they do through that, because they’re MC rather than approaching them with an open mind as individuals. I think most of us would be sad if someone just wrote us off as a potential friend based on the class we come from.

I think a couple of the commenters on this thread are taking OP's description of these acquaintances oddly personally. Presumably because they identify as middle class and think OP is applying her judgement to all middle class people rather than just to these particular friends-of-friends. OP I wouldn't bother responding to the people asking you to explain your exact assessment of these people, or to clarify your words. They know what you meant.

As for not going: your time is your own, your life is your own and life is too short to spend with people who you feel uncomfortable around. See your friend one on one where you can.

I think you should it up once or twice a year for the sake of your friendship, in all honestly.

I think it's ok to be honest if you stick to basic facts, in this case that these people don't really talk to the OP or engage when she tries to talk to them. Describing their behaviour rather than criticising their characters essentially.

I don't agree. Why should she continue to attend situations where she feels uncomfortable? It's fine I think to continue to offer 1:1 contact.

There's being assertive and then there's going nuclear. Telling your friend you don't like her friends is not likely to achieve much other than upsetting your friend and being seen as obnoxious yourself. If you decline a few invites in a row she will likely stop inviting you. It's fine not to fit in with her social milieu - just keep it as a one to one friendship.

Just decline, you are entitled say ‘no’ and you don’t have to give a reason

Yep. Nothing about my comment suggested others can’t think differently. So … let’s just disagree.

I personally think infrequent discomfort is worth doing something that’s important to my friends. Especially birthdays and social events they organise.

Don’t give a reason. As a working class woman who sometimes socialises with the middle class women. I hear you. I try find a diamond in the group, if you are met with stone faces it can be difficult when you are used to chatty people.
The best people are the people who welcome newbies from either class.

I think most of us would be sad if someone just wrote us off as a potential friend based on the class we come from.
I doubt it makes anyone sad as it happens everyday. You wouldn’t know the reason.

Yeah but its a bit of a false dichotomy. Its possible to be both middle class and chatty (I am both).

Absolutely do what you want OP, you don’t have to go, but the way you describe these people suggests an element of reverse snobbery on your part: you think they are middle class and have made a bunch of assumptions about them that may be true or they may just be your judgement.

Snobbery works both ways.

I think this is good advice.

And it's no problem to decline anyway but you risk it looking like you're not interested in the friendship, which is disappointing for the friend as well as for you and will do some damage if you do it a few times.

If you do say no, as part of the message, invite her to something else 1:1 so it's clear it's not her.

I’d politely decline but in the same message offer a meet up for the 2 of you to have a cuppa or dinner together.

I think I take the view she should suck it up a (within reason) because you need to feed friendships.

I can't believe going to a BBQ is that tough. How often do we tell our children that they'll enjoy it when they get there are we are usually correct.

Obviously the OP is angling for responses to justify not going but when all is said and done she's just being anti social. That's fine but it does ultimately have the habit of rebounding on you. Better to stretch yourself and make the effort in response to what is, after all, a kind invitation.

In this case it sounds like the OP has been trying but that these people don't engage with her.

I'd suck it up for a birthday or a special occasion but not otherwise. Yes, of course people will have different views.

Agree with this.

Also, if your friend has concerns about her husband possibly being autistic there’s likely a lot more going on than him simply being ‘snobby’ with you, OP.

It doesn’t mean you need to put up with his behaviour of course, or that you should attend a party you won’t enjoy, but your opening post does come across as a bit judgmental.

I’ve met these people several times over the years so it’s not like I haven’t given them a chance, some of them are ok but we’ve little in common. Others can be quite rude tbh, some things they have said haven’t sat me well in the past.

I find I say yes to most things and stretch myself quite a lot, it’s really only lately I’m putting my foot down with things.

The reason I suspect he’s snobby is due to some comments he’s made about people etc and the way he treats my friend can be a bit mean at times. I’m quite experienced in the field of autism so I suspect he isn’t autistic but I guess who knows, I cba with him to find out.

They are simply asking her to explain why she thinks social class is a factor in her not liking them. I’d expect similar if she said ‘Her friends are way too loud and proletarian for me’.