To decline my friend’s bbq invite ?

[AleaEim]

I have a friend who is amazing however, I am not crazy about her friends or even her husband for that matter. She’s invited me to a bbq as she does every year and I think this time I will decline and just say I’m busy. I didn’t attend her birthday this year for the same reason. Anytime I have been out with her husband he doesn’t talk, doesn’t even say hello (she thinks he’s autistic but I get a snobby vibe from him). Her friends are just not my cup of tea and I struggle to find common ground, they’re quite reserved and middle class whereas I’m more chatty and have a very different job/ lifestyle to them. Some of them are on the obnoxious side and I just don’t have similar values. I have tried several times to enjoy their company at these gatherings but it’s getting to the stage I’m wasting a precious weekend day with people I don’t care for and I don’t have time for that as I work full time. Sometimes I feel I need to force myself to these things because i don’t have many friends left in my area (lots have moved out of the city) but surely I shouldn’t have to right?

Well said. Socialising with a group of people from a different class is difficult. There are different social norms so if you are yourself you stand out as not fitting in and potentially upset others but if you try to adhere to the norms of the other group that doesn't work either because you can't relax and enjoy yourself and people still know you are not one of them. People who are naturally welcoming to everyone are like gold dust.

She means she doesn't like them. It doesn't matter why really.

Sorry if it's already been mentioned, but can you take a friend or date of your own so there's at least two people you don't mind there.

I agree with others that you don't have to go, but it might affect your friendship so you have to weigh up those two things.

I’d turn down the invite if they’re not your tribe. As someone else said, its an invite not a summons. Now I’m in my mid 50s I’m much better at accepting invites I want to go to, but turning down those that I don’t enjoy. As you say, if you work full time, weekends are precious. Don’t feel guilty. Just because she’s a good friend, doesn’t mean you have to hang out with all her friends or husband. If people aren’t your cup of tea thats fine, everyone is different.

I have been apprehensive about meeting some people who have been great, a lot of fun, naturally friendly. They’d never make comments on people who have less than them, Tbf it’s not even the people who were brought up a professional family, it’s usually the people who are climbing the class ladder as an adult. You know those people who grew up working class but is now middle class, it’s all a bit silly, we all leave the world as we arrived with nothing, except for an outfit, we generally dress our dead.
Now I’m thinking of a dead naked person at their wake, now that would be a story you could share with anyone.

I would just be honest, in a kind and gentle way. You can’t continue to fob her off every single year 🙄
”You know I love spending time with you, but really do prefer a 1:1 rather than a group thing. So can I take you out for a birthday drink on X date?”

Or something along those lines.

A good tip is start getting comfortable with being quiet at times. It can feel awkward at first, when nobody is speaking or really listening. It doesn’t bother me, I silently meditate. It’s like a game of who can stay quiet the longest, we played it a lot as kids, it never lasted long.
I personally would pop in for a half an hour.

She didn’t go to her birthday either. So even more reason to suck it up for one bbq.

It may be sensible to decline. It would spare the husband and all the other guests having to be polite to someone so judgemental.

I totally get what you are saying OP. We had this for years with my sils (husbands sister) in-laws. They were all cliquey and stuck up their own arses and no reason why as they certainly had no reason to carry on like that and myself and DH used to dread events and my sil loved hosting. After a few years I said it to my sil after her nephews wife was openly rude to me at a birthday party and it did open her eyes a bit . Usually in my own experience most normal people regardless of background will mix and gel together at these type of things.

I've also got a very difficult member of my extended in laws who I've given up on having a good relationship with. Sometimes it really is on the other person and not you.

In this situation you're right to avoid being on 'their' territory. If her husband is rude and snobbish and you're their guest it's not so easy to assert yourself. If they're on your territory and he's rude, you can go for him.

We used to get invitations from a rude cousin of my husband and they always wanted us to go to them. This wasn't out of generosity - it was because, either consciously or unconsciously, they knew that they had more chance of getting away with being rude and unkind while we were at their mercy their guests. So we insisted they come to us and they didn't like it one bit! They themselves had to behave better and it really rankled. We lost touch as soon as the grandparents died who used to try to nurture this relationship.

Just to add - not saying this is exactly the case you're talking about, OP, but there are people who invite others to things just to snub them. It's a thing!

From what you’ve described wild horses couldn’t get me there!

Like everything in life, do what you are most comfortable with. You live your life for you, for no one else...also autism is not an excuse for her husband not even to say hello, she is using it as an excuse. I wouldn't waste my time going somewhere , that you dislike. With any luck if you keep declining, she should stop asking you.

jeeze she just doesn’t like them. She doesn’t need a reason. It’s not a cross examination

Good on you for giving it a miss .. how long would a day be with people you don't like or have no common ground with .. id definitely not beable to make it .Enjoy your day doing something you really want to do x

I was going to say this 😂 or Google them what a silly thing to say .

I am sure that poster understood what the words meant but middle class vs chatty doesn't make sense. Reserved and obnoxious isn't oxymoronic per se but it does need a bit of an explanation?

I got what curlew meant anyway.

😂

All she has to do is catch up with her friend and give the snobby lot a wide berth.
Life is too short to do things you really don't want to do .

I'd politely decline but tell your friend you want to do something special to celebrate her birthday with just the two of you.

If you're worried about losing the friendship and the bbq is important to her I'd just call in for an hour. Take her a bunch of flowers, have a burger and leave, with a pre planned reason.

I think as a mature adult you quite often find some groups of people just aren't interested in making new friends or chatting with friends of friends with whom they have little to nothing in common. I used to find this going to BBQs with DH held by an old school mate and his wife. When a few of his other old school mates went along it was great as we had enough in common. As the years went on it was increasing their neighbours and hobby friends who attended instead and it was hard to find common ground, or they didn't seem very interested. Which is fine. Different people don't always gel and that's fine.

Do explain the ‘different social norms’ of a WC vs a MC barbecue.