Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

I agree with pp saying the kids still need a lot in the secondary years. DH is older than me and has been unemployed following depression and I'm not sure if he will work again. He's 61. We have two DD 12 and 14 - the 14yo has ASD and probably needs more support than the average kid her age. I work 4 days a week and am 50.

While he's been off, DH has been doing the following for the kids:

Lifts to / from school when required (not every day)
Lifts to their activities (6 days a week) and friends' houses
Taking them to any appointments (quite a few for optician and orthodontist)
Taking them out on inset / half term days with friends when I'm working
Helps 14yo with her hobby (sparring)

Obviously there is still a LOT that I do - all comms about school and hobbies and friends, all organising of events and buying of clothes, toiletries etc, most of the help with homework and revision, and the vast majority of their emotional support with friendship dramas.

So it's not like he does everything but it certainly helps that he is able to do the above - previously I would have fitted it in around work, with difficulty, so it is good I don't have to now. There's housework as well of course which i haven't touched on, but even from a parenting pov, there is plenty to do. As pp say, there's then driving lessons and the next move to uni or whatever - parental input definitely needed here.

I think if you can afford it, it is great your DH can retire, but he can and should have a lot of input with his kids - they can benefit a lot from having him around more. It has been really good for my DD14 to have her dad around more. Unfortunately financially it is not so good and he does need to work again, but if he didn't, I wouldn't mind him retiring. I enjoy working, certainly need to work many more years before retiring, and we never expected to retire at the same time.

Me too! I don't know why though... Is it the idea that Bondi Beach is the atheist substitute for heaven? Or the competition between the parents and the kids over who gets there first?

no its not a question of just telling, its a matter of modelling. My late husband was also in a position of authority over others...similar to military but not. He would never have considered for one moment behaving as though he had also retired from our partnership. We never had kids but we had other responsibilities. I did know other wives whose husbands were in the same profession as mine and some of them did used to moan that when their husbands were home they didn't expect to do anything. I wondered (and still do) why they put up with it.

Not bitter at all! I'm 49 and Totally delighted to be retiring in 5.5 years. Don't feel sad for me at all! We are sorted. Poor OP is bitter as she and her DH are not on the same page. Luckily, we are.

Well, let him know he hasn’t even started to do his part, and you’re looking forward to his being a full-time SAHD with full organisational, emotional and practical responsibilities.

And mean it.

He can put the cycling lycra catalogue down.

I know it’s not the same but mine needed a lot emotional support. I would take primary school over midnight confession stress drama etc. That I was supposed to fix!
I think they were stressed and couldn’t sleep but go tell Mother off load everything, mother will fix and off to sleep they went!

No! You say, ‘That's fantastic, darling. You’ll be able to spend much more time with the kids while I’m working. Here’s what I currently do - is there anything here you don’t feel able to take on?’

What's the plan for supporting the kids if they want to go to uni?

You need to make clear to him what is expected in retirement, so you're on the same page.

My DH is talking about retirement in a few years. My major concern is that he's going to think that all of a sudden my major focus is going to be on him and we'll have all this time together, etc. There's still a lot going on at home and I have my routines and things. My life doesn't change. He talks about retirement in terms of joining groups and things too. We actually have a disabled child at home that I care for now, so I'm blowed if he's going to think his retirement = total freedom.

I understand some about having hesitations about his retiring. It's got nothing to do with hating him or not. For me it's more about disruption to my own life and routines and having his expectations of me to deal with.

Make clear to him now that your family is still young and not independent and it is a change for him rather than a real retirement, at least for the next years. If he gets a day golfing, you get a day doing whatever you want. Balance.

We are definitely Roman Catholic and very grateful for the health to work when young, to ensure our children go to the best schools and that we can retire when we are ready at 55, having worked five days a week for 35 years. It might have been “nice” to have been at home for years but for US working in your 60s when more tired and not so young, is not for us, each to their own.

I get you op. It feels as though he’s picked his moment when the parenting is much easier. I had a similar situation as H had a side hustle when DS was a baby (basically so he could avoid parenting whenever he wanted to) and he gave it up when DS was about 6/7 and therefore so much easier. I’d done FT work plus absolutely everything else at home and every weekend up until then.

Not sure if there’s a solution as if he can afford his half of the bills then I guess financially it’s his decision. But yes I’d be making it clear that he’s now default parent/ chauffeur from the moment he retires.

Can I ask ballpark how much your DH's income will be in retirement if he is retiring so early. I am in my early fifties and cannot imagine retiring on what my pension is worth.

I think YANBU if you have done the life/house/children admin while"not working" and are now going to be working while DH isn't, then he can now take over that admin while you work. Seems reasonable. Let him have at it... I wonder if he will feel retired 🤣

You can't just retire from parenting.

With the last DC entering secondary you would reasonably expect that you could take on more hours and be working near full time (if you want to) in which case I would expect for at least some of the teen needs to be taken by him, at least as an equal load of not more, and a fair bit of the cooking. Sure he can have a hobby and dedicate time to it, but not every day.

I would say be clear that you are no longer as available and you expect the parenting and household loads to be fairly split, given he has now got time on his hands.

So your money is shared, but his is his own.

Your time is either work or childcare or housework, but his time is his own.

If he’s retiring while he has school-age children, then of course he should take over the parenting. He’s got at least another decade of parenting heavy lifting .

If you don’t believe he’ll step up, and he won’t be reasoned with, then start consulting lawyers about asset split in the event of a divorce.

But he hasn’t, has he? Just because he was the breadwinner for 40 years and you had a massive inheritance, it doesn’t mean he should have any pleasure in his life.

You don’t like him, do you? LTB.

That’s so great DH, I can now concentrate on my career whilst you take over the SAHP role. What a fab idea…

He’s retiring from his career NOT being a parent or husband. So he now gets quality time with his youngest child, extra time with his wife/husband and some time of his own for hobbies.

it will also cut you some slack so you can focus on your career, retraining or so on.

it sounds great, I would be thrilled.

I don't see how the youngest starting secondary school is relevant. They don't suddenly become independent at 11. Ours needed loads of support at secondary school and one of them did a very time consuming hobby as a teenager which needed lifts all over the place.

Just make it clear to your husband he'll need to pull his weight if he doesn't already.

Bigger problems in your marriage then, if you can not discuss this and negotiate shared responsibilities. Being a SAHM is not an excuse for letting this sort of dynamic develop. You needed to assert yourself a long time ago, tbh, but you can still do it now.

As others have said I think he needs reminding that you both chose to have kids when he was older and they aren't fully grown yet.

So he can retire from work, but not from parenting and it would be pretty shitty to not do the the lions share of parenting when you are holding down a job and he is not.

Im mid 50’s and a retired police officer with a retired husband who was also a police officer. He was more senior than me and worked shifts and I stayed in a part time, flexible role to manage the childcare. We both did roles we were not wild about over the years to manage the parenting. He actually retired 18 months before me and I immediately stepped back from all my previous roles - food shopping and cooking etc. He’s also the one who has largely paid our mortgage and cleared that and you can’t underestimate the freedom that that gives you.

There’s no way that parenting a teen requires an all day commitment from a person at home. You can fit hobbies around that no problem. Since I retired I retrained and work a very part time job to boost my pension ( and also volunteer and play sport ) and he has kept up the majority of the household responsibilities. The only issue I have is I never have any time on my own since he is less social than me and stays home more than I would like. I always knew when he was going to retire - 30 years and that’s it. All police officers know when they’re going to retire.

Has he actually said that he doesn’t plan to do anything other than his hobbies when he retires? Or are you just assuming? Every time your teens ask you for a lift or money, etc. just tell them to ask him!

The school concerts, assemblies, sports days were wonderful times. I wouldnt have missed any of them.