If you dont post your dc on social media

[Namechanged2910]

Dc are 2 and 4. I want to preface this by saying I get on well with my ILs generally but am struggling to see if iabu. Mil is great with the dc and generally goes with how we want things done and when they arent I generally dont really mind or bring it up as its not a big deal. My 2 main asks if that the children dont have photos taken of them in just a nappy, and no photos at all on social media. I recently got sent a photo of dc in a nappy which I asked her to delete and she did and last week mil changed her whatsapp profile picture to one of the dc. I havent said anything but it is really bothering me. I want to ask for it to be deleted but if you dont show your dc on social media would you be ok with this?

Aibu to ask her to delete it or blur the dc?

I don't use social media. I think it's a bit much to ask them to delete the WhatsApp profile picture though. As long as the child is dressed appropriately it wouldn't be an issue for me.

We don’t photos of our DC on SM, aside from the only two photos I have put on Facebook which are distance shots with no face visible (they were scenery photos with them on it). One family friend once put a few photos on when DC was about 3 but other than that, we don’t have family and friends who post photos of other people’s children, but if we did then I would politely ask them to remove them.

Thank you I didnt want to mention it if others think iabu but wanted a non biased opinions. I have never posted my dc online, whether blurred, back of head etc, and everyone else has respected this. I have never posted anyone elses dc either. Mil does send photos to all friends and family which is why I reminded her we don't take those photos and asked her to delete them so they cant be sent on. I am aware I am being overly protective but unsure of where the limit is of internet safety so would feel safer them not being seen online at all

I don’t show my two youngest on social media and wouldn’t be happy if anybody had a photo of them as their whatsapp picture!

I think if she sends photos to friends and family (and you're ok with that) then having a picture of her grandchildren in her WhatsApp picture is also fine (because that's also only friends and family).

But also, if it makes you uncomfortable and she's a reasonable person, asking her to delete it should be ok.

I dont mind them being sent to family, close trusted friends etc but not wider friends. I don't like the idea of strangers (to us) having photos and knowing all about my dc when I would pass them in the street with no idea who they are. I know this part hugely unreasonable so would never say anything

The thing is that social media (Facebook, for example) can be set to private. I have my dc on social media because the only people who can see those photos are my friends and I have no concerns about my friends seeing a photo of my children. A WhatsApp photo is public. Anyone with her phone number, the builder, the plumber, Bob the husband of Shirley from bridge club, can see it. It’s technically more open than posting on a private social media account. I would have your Dh ask her to remove it. It’s his mum and he needs to handle this.

She should not have your children on her Whatsapp profile without your permission.

We don't post out kids photos online but the whatsap profile picture wouldn't bother me.

I think you might just have to get a little bit more comfortable with people that you don't know seeing photos/hearing all about them because that's the Grandparents way! It could happen if she has framed photos of them on her mantle piece or a photo in her wallet. That's been going on since time began. It's not social media/the internet based. I bet proud Grandparents were showing off oil paintings of their Grandchildren before the invention of photography!

The good news is that literally no-one outside of the close friends/family really gives a shit about your kids so they'll very likely be nodding and making the right noises while she talks about them/shows photos but not really paying much attention.

I have never got people putting a picture of someone else as their WhatsApp photo. It is weird to be talking to a grown adult and a picture of a baby appearing on screen.

I am not a big SM user but I know that family shots of family events/parties/weddings etc are online. Not like these people who update their pages every day of their kids literally doing nothing.

I hate those wanky smiley faces that people put over faces though. Gives me the ick.

OP, I can understand that you don’t want photos of your DC on SM, but there’s a big difference between a WhatsApp profile pic that will only be seen by her friends and family, and a Facebook or Instagram pic that can be seen by lots of people. Having said that, if my DIL said that she would rather I didn’t use a pic of the DGC (I don’t, but if I were to), then I wouldn’t. It’s just manners - they’re not her DC.

YANBU, I know I wouldn't be happy with someone posting the pics I actively choose to keep off social media, let alone one of said pics being their profile picture!

I don't have my DC on any SM and I'd be annoyed if any relative of mine felt it as their decision to put them on theirs. Especially as you have been pretty clear on your boundaries.

I wouldn't even be OK with people sending pics they'd taken of my kids to others.

You can ask for her to take down the picture - you can't force her to of course but you're not unreasonable to feel this way.

there’s a big difference between a WhatsApp profile pic that will only be seen by her friends and family, and a Facebook or Instagram pic that can be seen by lots of people

Doesn't that depend on their settings though? I know Facebook profile pictures are seen by everyone even if the profile is private, but so are Whatsapp profile pictures? I'm pretty sure I've seen profile pics of people that weren't in my contacts when they contacted me via Whatsapp.

I love ILs and I obviously love my own parents but before my first daughter was born we sat them both down (I sat down my mum and dad, he sat down ILs) and said no pics of the kids on SM and no sending randoms pics of our kids.

With my parents I pretty much said “you can give them all the sweets and crap you want and spoil them rotten but you’re absolutely not posting them on social media that’s a hard line for us”. My mum was a bit huffy at first but my dad and step mum were fine. ILs respect it, FIL apparently had a bit of a moan but MIL actually was a police officer and has seen some shit so she pretty much assumed we wouldn’t be posting them.

Half of the family are active users of facebook and there are lots of photos of them but they have always cropped out my dc. The other half have the same opinion as me and unfortunately its only mil who posts/sends photos around constantly. Her sisters son is the same as us and no photos are even shared in the family gc or sent to family unless by him. There are 7 grandchildren on the ILs side and my 2 are the only ones who arent allowed online.

Unfortunately her settings are set to public so anyone that has her number has access to the photo and as all 7 gc are in the photo its clear who are ours

Really worrying how people think WhatsApp is private or there’s no harm when there’s evidence out there that photos of kids can get into the wrong hands. Not worth the risk.

Can your DH talk to her? Our rule is you deal with your own parents and you don’t use phrases like “the wife told me to talk to you” or “DH said I have to have a word with you about..” I just always think it’s best for everyone if you deal with your own parents.

I will ask my dh to speak to her, I wanted to find out if I was being unreasonable before I did though as he will speak to her straight away and I dont want it to seen as nitpicking as I wouldnt like her to feel uncomfortable being with dc incase she does something to upset us.

I don't post pictures of my dcs on SM but I've never really attempted to control what others post. I don't think anyone else in our family have posted photos of our dcs but I don't usually check their SM so they might have. I don't get worked up about it.

I don't post on Facebook or Instagram (don't have X, Snap or TikTok) fullstop so by default I don't post any photos of DC. That said, it was a conscious decision to make our private life less public, be more in the moment and limit how much "data" about our family is out there now and in the future. A decision made after we had DC, which is no coincidence.

My parents do have photos of DC as their WhatsApp photo though and tbc I'd not really considered this to be an issue until I read this thread. If it was a photo in a nappy (I don't know why this would exist but hypothetically) I would ask them to change it, but (rightly or wrongly) it doesn't bother me that they have a photo of my son at the farm as their PP. Maybe as this thread progresses I'll reconsider.

It’s bang out of order. It is a big deal.

So many people don’t see it yet, but every day technology is smarter and data is vaster…. we need to keep our children’s faces, names, schools, holiday locations, home information OFF social media….. otherwise…. Well, soon, you’ll be able to ask ChatGPt about a child and all of that information will flow out, with the photos you’ve posted of them.
It’s terrifying the ramifications and our children won’t thank us when they grow up and understand that we sold their identities!

I think as your children move from babies to toddlers there's an awareness that comes of not being able to control every aspect of every relationship they have, as you did when they were born. Your MIL has an independent relationship with your children too, so although oviously your values and wants should be important, there are some things you'll have to compromise on. Also, if they go to nursery you'll realise there are lots of people that are strangers to you who know your kid well... quite weird realising they're people out in the wide world!