AIBU to miss a family christening after double-booking my daughter's birthday weekend?

[ladyrushford]

To not attend a family christening because it’s the day before my daughter’s birthday and I’ve double booked 🙈

basically, that in a nutshell. My daughter (11, 12 in two weeks) goes to a drama class on a Saturday. I thought their end of term performance was the 18th, literally day before her birthday. This also happens to be the date of a christening on my in laws. For more complicated reasons, my in laws tend to send invites to my husband, and not me, and thus said invites are completely ignored until I found out about them and sort it out.

Anyway, I told DH about the supposed drama performance so he RSVP-d for himself and our two other kids, leaving me free to watch the dad. BUT what I hadn’t realised at the time is that the class is actually ending the week before because they kept it open for the first time in May half term. When I found this out I told the DH but he said just leave it, so something nice with our DD to make up for the fact we actually can’t attend on the actual last week because we’ve been given theatre tickets for my birthday 😂😂 (booked months and months ago, before DD even started the club).

The PILs have not taken this kindly. They’ve taken it upon themselves to check the dates ofthe class, and challenge us about why myself and daughter aren’t attending. They do this sort of stuff all the time but my DH doesn’t care when it’s me or someone else. Now my DH is in a talespin as he’s apparently blamed me for the mix up (fine, whatever, I don’t care) but refuses to back down. We could go but it’s a two hour drive there and back so it’s our whole Saturday gone. I’ve also booked a birthday lunch for my Dd at a place she’s always wanted to eat, but we never do as our severely autistic son wouldn’t cope there.

So we’re the arseholes because we didn’t correct a mix up but in all honesty, how do you resolve this without causing an all out war? It is an act of aggression of the in laws to challenge what we’ve said? We weren’t trying to cause a fight or be rude. We thought we were compromising. Help?

Tell them you discussed it with God and he was ok with you missing the Christening 🤷‍♀️

Who is it being christened?

Should have said, my SIL’s kid but they live abroad and are flying over especially to host the christening. So it’s a big event! 😫

😂

Tbf you’ve been caught out the reason you gave doesn’t exist do I can see why there being arsey it’s rude

But your own dc has a big day planned..Why would you put someone else's dc before yours when they aren't likely old enough to care ?!

You got the date of the Drama performance wrong, and can’t go anyway as you already have theatre tickets.

The Drama performance would originally have originally been the day before your daughters birthday, which is the same day as a family christening.

The drama performance is no longer on the same day as the Christening, and instead of going to the Christening you have booked to do something with yoir daughter.

The reason you couldn’t go to the Christening originally (Drama show), no longer exists, but your still not going.

is that right?

I kinda understand why they are pissed, doesn’t mean you should change your plans, but you could have gone to the Christening, and have chose not to

Yabu! Its a big deal to them

I very much doubt that SILs kid will know who is at their Christening.
Carry on with your plans and let DH sulk. He f'd up, let him own it.

Key word is “to them”

Don’t go if you don’t want to.

But I can see why they’re annoyed if you said you couldn’t go because of the play, but that’s not the case, and you then booked something else. They probably think you lied initially.

My question would be here if it was your side of the family what would you do?

In a nutshell! I mean we can go, my DH just said it’s fine as he and the boys will go and I could use the day to do something nice for our daughter. But the in laws have gone behind our backs and looked it up or called the drama company (DH over shares with his parents all the time) so we’ve been caught out!

Tbf you did lie to them so, personally, I would bring forward your daughter's special meal to a day your dh can lool after the boys, and all go to Christening. Take a bice gift abd not lie to them again.

For this reason alone I'd stick to my guns. Either they accept the invitation has been declined or they catch you out by calling up the drama company to interrogate the reason for declining the invitation. Arseholes. I'd now tell the truth and say when you realised you decided to do something for your daughter's birthday which you wouldn't have been able to do if the drama show had been on. But whether it was a drama show or birthday treat you're not going. Really none of their business why not. No means no.

Should just have told the truth:

”The orginal reason we gave is no longer happening, and instead of coming to the Christening we are doing something else”

They feel like third choice, because they are third choice.

Like I said, you don’t need to change anything, but I can completely understand why they feel hurt. It’s a big family gathering, with someone coming in from abroad, they would like the whole family there to celebrate, but you and your daughter won’t be.

Without going into my tragic backstory, I don’t have a family that regularly meets up or does big family events so I can hand on heart say that it’s only my in laws that throw these events (regularly, it’s a big family). We usually attend, it’s just this one time I got my info mixed up. Then DH chose to just maintain the story of the drama performance, probably because the DD is being a bit emotional about it all.

I would say the Christening is more important and a big deal. How would you feel if it was your DD Christening/big birthday/graduation. Yes, you dont have to go, but would you like the family to show up at your child big events?
plus the drama performance could not have been such a big deal if theatre trumps it, but big family event doesnt?

I think it's rude not to go to the christening as the original reason is no longer valid.

I'm guessing your in I laws can be difficult people, since their response wasn't "that's a shame, we will miss you" but rather trying to catch you out. It also sounds like your husband is throwing you under a bus, which is the bigger issue. It's all very well for him to say that you and your daughter should have a nice day together, but he's folding with the slightest pressure from his family. He could have said that unfortunately you can't make it and then stopped talking.

I’d just stick to the plan, I think it’s fine to have your DH and other DC representing your family.

I wouldn’t attend the actual christening on moral grounds, but you should still be making an effort to go see family who are visiting from abroad. Are you meeting up with them on another day of their visit?

I’d tell all involved that unfortunately as no one within the family bothered to tell you about the event until the last minute you sadly have other plans and will have to miss the christening and kindly in future could they include you in all event communication so that you can arrange your diary around it.

I don’t think there are other plans, no. So we should probably go 🙈

yeah I can see your point. I didn’t know the showcase was on the 11th though and these tickets were a gift to me. I didn’t know how to reject them without causing offence. My mum ( who gave me the tickets) said she So I was clinging on to the idea that I could go and support my DD on the 18th - unaware that this was the day of the showcase! So I’ve double-cocked up.