AIBU to miss a family christening after double-booking my daughter's birthday weekend?

[ladyrushford]

To not attend a family christening because it’s the day before my daughter’s birthday and I’ve double booked 🙈

basically, that in a nutshell. My daughter (11, 12 in two weeks) goes to a drama class on a Saturday. I thought their end of term performance was the 18th, literally day before her birthday. This also happens to be the date of a christening on my in laws. For more complicated reasons, my in laws tend to send invites to my husband, and not me, and thus said invites are completely ignored until I found out about them and sort it out.

Anyway, I told DH about the supposed drama performance so he RSVP-d for himself and our two other kids, leaving me free to watch the dad. BUT what I hadn’t realised at the time is that the class is actually ending the week before because they kept it open for the first time in May half term. When I found this out I told the DH but he said just leave it, so something nice with our DD to make up for the fact we actually can’t attend on the actual last week because we’ve been given theatre tickets for my birthday 😂😂 (booked months and months ago, before DD even started the club).

The PILs have not taken this kindly. They’ve taken it upon themselves to check the dates ofthe class, and challenge us about why myself and daughter aren’t attending. They do this sort of stuff all the time but my DH doesn’t care when it’s me or someone else. Now my DH is in a talespin as he’s apparently blamed me for the mix up (fine, whatever, I don’t care) but refuses to back down. We could go but it’s a two hour drive there and back so it’s our whole Saturday gone. I’ve also booked a birthday lunch for my Dd at a place she’s always wanted to eat, but we never do as our severely autistic son wouldn’t cope there.

So we’re the arseholes because we didn’t correct a mix up but in all honesty, how do you resolve this without causing an all out war? It is an act of aggression of the in laws to challenge what we’ve said? We weren’t trying to cause a fight or be rude. We thought we were compromising. Help?

ok, thanks everyone! I feel like it’s leaning towards ‘you should go’. I should say that I genuinely wasn’t trying to avoid anything - this christening invitation was sent out to my DH ages ago when I believed it was clashing on the same day. When I told my DH my mistake he said it was fine, people would understand, but actually that’s not the case at all! He does misread his parents sometimes. I didn’t actually expect them to double check - who does that? Surely a polite, no sorry but DH and the boys will come - is enough? - but they did and this is why we have egg on our faces. It’s going to be an horrifically awks phone conversation tomorrow 😂

It could be worth setting up a family calender.

I think the PIL’s were really rude to check the dates, it’s not even their do.

I think you all should go to the christening. A christening is once in a lifetime a drama or lunch out isn’t.

plus they are travelling from overseas and it’s your chance to meet the baby.

What moral grounds? I’m an atheist ( was not christened) but other people are allowed religions.

I would never not go to a christening or equivalent. It’s to welcome a baby to the world and to a family.

FGS take your DD to lunch OP. Tell the the in laws you are taking the opportunity to do a special treat for her.

I would go to the christening. I would also go to DD show instead of the theatre on 11th.

I’m happy to attend a welcoming party, but won’t be present while a religious ritual is performed on a child without their consent. I only attend religious ceremonies for people who are engaging in them of their own free will.

Oh that’s quite interesting really. Were you christened? Maybe if i had been I would feel the same as an adult non believer.

Your in-laws sounds nuts. Why would it even occur to them to check your DD's drama school dates to see if you were lying about being busy?

Personally, I would tell your DH to grow a spine, tell his parents he cocked up and then decided it would be a nice opportunity for you and DD to have a girls day to do things you wouldn't get to do if all the kids were together. This is perfectly reasonable. It's staggering to me that it's been blown out of proportion like this. Enjoy lunch with your DD!

You see, this is secretly what I think but I never know if I’m being a total arsehole about it?! I can’t believe they double-checked with my daughter’s club - which really shocks me though they have form for this sort of behaviour. And I don’t think DH thought it was a big deal either but they’ve (the in laws) poked and prodded for a long time now. I actually didn’t know how often they’ve been messaging DH about it and then my FIL messaged me directly today and said ‘ I know it’s not on the 18th. We assume you’re coming?’ So it’s all blown up today 😂

Travelling 2 hours for a christening is fucking ridiculous. Christenings are absolutely tedious unless you're a devout Christian, and I doubt I'd travel 2 minutes to attend one.

I wouldn't take kindly to anybody in my life taking it upon themselves to verify that my plans are genuine either.

A christening might be important to you but personally I couldn't care less. I'm not religious and find it very weird to put water on a baby's head pretending it will be protected by God. So you have to have the same belief system in order for this to be important. I wouldn't go and I would say why.

It's not just about the Christening, it's seeing all the family and taking part in a traditional event. You have no reason not to go except that maybe you just don't want to but doesn't your DD want to spend some time with her family. Don't you want her extended family to see her again whilst they're in the country?

Tell them you and your daughter will not be there. Don't let them dictate.

Yes, I was christened and pressured to remain in my parent’s religion. The fact that I refused to be confirmed in their church was the source of many arguments.

I believe even for children, religion should be something they choose, not something that is chosen for them. It is a parent’s responsibility to facilitate the child‘s spiritual and philosophical journey. That may end with them choosing the parent’s religion, but it might also end with a different belief system that should be respected.

I'd just reply, 'no, as we'd previously declined, we now have other plans.' Just because you've been invited to something, doesn't mean you're obligated to go.

I'd just tell them the truth. It was a genuine mix up. When you realised you both felt it was a bit too late to change the arrangement and you had been looking forward to some rare 1-1 time with DD for her birthday which DH agreed with. And that's it's strange of them to look up the dates of the theatre class.

God gave you a free pass, just tell them that. Christenings are so dull.

but it is important to the parents organising it and it is a family event where they are welcoming the new baby. Thats what famillies are for to share these one in life moments especially here as they dont see each other much otherwise and there is no real reason not to go.

Has the OP even met the baby? Is that also not important? And in this case its not like the can visit a week or two after.

I couldnt care less about other people's children birthdays, but I show up the same way as I want the family to be there for my child. I may not beleive in relogion, but I show up to religious funeral or a weddingi

Generally a Christening only happens once, your daughter has a birthday every year.

I’d be really offended if my SIL and niece didn’t bother with my child’s christening especially if I’d flown into the country to host it so that family could attend. Yabu. You can go on a lunch date with your dd any weekend.
you also have a useless DH.

Perhaps rephrase it as 'travelling 2 hours to see DH's sister and new baby who are visiting from overseas and we won't have another opportunity to meet this time'.

OP I can see that you dislike your PIL and it sounds like you have good reason to. But I wouldn't take that out on the SIL and her family. A lunch with DD can be rescheduled a lot more easily.

OP, it sounds like we have similar families. Mine is small and we don’t meet up regularly. My best friend, by comparison, seems to get the equivalent of 3 line whips to attend even the smallest of family gatherings e.g. for adult cousins, who in their 40s, birthdays. She gets it in the neck for even daring to try to get out of going.
Please break the cycle if it’s similar with your DH’s family!

I’m in complete agreement with @Cooshawn. Travelling for 2 hours for a christening is nuts. The last time I had to go to one was when I was a teenager. I was dragged to many as a child, and they were the most tedious days out imaginable.
It’s not your or your DH’s or your children’s fault these relatives don’t live in the same country.
So many years ago we (my mother and I) missed my uncle’s wedding. He was living in Austria at the time and decided to get hitched last minute. Came back home, surprised everyone - getting married in the UK in a week’s time! We were already booked to be abroad for a fortnight and the wedding fell in the middle of it. My grandmother did give Mum stick over it but at the end of the day, clashes happen.

It sounds like you are probably going to go to the christening but I didn’t think you would have been unreasonable for prioritising your DD, for the reasons you mentioned.

I think your daughter's showcase is more important than the christening. More important than your show - is she still doing it? Or is she going with you? I would let her do it - is DH able to go to watch her?
So cancel your show, go to watch her and explain you won't be doing lunch the next week and go to the Christening.

Personally I would struggle to attend an event, christening or not, where the ex facto hosts (PIL) think it is ok to double check an engagement you thought you were already booked on. Whether or not it you can actually attend I would be making it clear you won’t be bullied into attending these events. What does your DD want to do?